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Thread: Atop A Milk Crate Podium

  1. #1

    Atop A Milk Crate Podium

    A catastrophic natural disaster will rock the world and destroy many parts of it (think Deep Impact, Day after Tomorrow, etc) You know it is coming in the next 24 hours and must tell as many people as possible to seek shelter and make arrangements.

    In a piece of at least 30 lines with any structure or form, make your plea / warning.

    Oh, and you are a schizophrenic homeless man.


    Atop A Milk Crate Podium


    The sky is falling!
    The sky is falling!
    .........Can't they see?
    But a day to escape
    Yet they heard around,
    Carrying out their days
    As if in infinite supply.

    Oh, but how wrong they are!
    From this curb,
    My concrete piece of home,
    They show me their lies
    Their facades
    Every step they take
    Stomps their truth deeper inward

    I see these truths!
    Loud and clear
    They hide from the world
    Behind the bearers falseness
    But scream at me as they walk by
    Only to retreat
    Back to the depths
    Of a polluted soul

    It matters not
    They all will see soon
    The horror that I know,
    Will rear its ugly head
    And drag this world of deceit
    Into the dark desolate truth
    Of nothingness

    Damnation seems fitting

    I must warn them still
    'Tis my burden.
    My screams ring out
    They hear but don't listen
    Atop this milk crate,
    Acting as my podium,

    "The Sky is Falling!
    The Sky is Falling!
    Don't you see? Look for yourselves!"

    My cries fall on deaf ears
    Only met with looks
    Of both disgust and humor
    They continue on,
    Ignorant of the fate
    That dances facetiously
    To the tune of our demise

    If no one will heed
    Only I will remain.
    The voices thrive
    Off of solitude,
    Thus I made public my home
    Survival would be a mirage
    Behind which,
    My sanity waits to torture me
    I cannot bare the thought

    With that, I remain
    Now jealous of them
    For they will live blissfully
    Until the end,
    Until the sky falls
    Whereas I knowingly await fate's touch
    Here on my concrete piece of home








    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...442/index.html
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...977/index.html
    Last edited by Thugasaurus; March 4th, 2010 at 09:22 PM

  2. #2
    I'm here to Destroy YOU! Galactus The Devourer's Avatar
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    Re: Atop A Milk Crate Podium

    It matters not
    They all will see soon
    The horror that I know,
    Will rear its ugly head
    And drag this world of deceit
    Into the dark desolate truth
    Of nothingness

    WOW..

    If no one will heed
    Only I will remain.
    The voices thrive
    Off of solitude,
    Thus I made public my home
    Survival would be a mirage
    Behind which,
    My sanity waits to torture me
    I cannot bare the thought

    that was my favorite part.. for me you captured perfectly how bad this homeless guy struggled with his mental illness. Very nice drop.. I really enjoyed this along with the topic.

  3. #3
    Banned Cinizter's Avatar
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    Re: Atop A Milk Crate Podium

    I must warn them still
    'Tis my burden.
    My screams ring out
    They hear but don't listen
    Atop this milk crate,
    Acting as my podium,

    "The Sky is Falling!
    The Sky is Falling!
    Don't you see? Look for yourselves!"


    I like how he kinda teeter-totters between wanting everyone to know and this type of apathy like...."oh well, they'll ifnd out in due time". I also liked how you worked the title of the piece into the poem here.
    dug the structure of the piece too......nice work.

    This piece was entertaining and the title was good....it draws the reader in.

  4. #4

    Re: Atop A Milk Crate Podium

    thanks for the feed, i will hit up both of your pieces tonight

  5. #5
    Banned Cinizter's Avatar
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    Re: Atop A Milk Crate Podium

    Lol. Liar.^^^^

  6. #6
    remnant. Miho's Avatar
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    Re: Atop A Milk Crate Podium

    Challenge nicely done. The only thing I would mention is that the exclamation point in stanzas two and three, at the end of the first lines weren't needed. Your words showed enough concern, as to when adding in the "!", made it seem out of place. If I were you, I would remove them, and maybe even leave those lines by themselves? space it from the next line. It gives a better impact. Also, a few of the commas were out of place, for example...

    If no one will heed
    Only I will remain.
    The voices thrive
    Off of solitude,
    Thus I made public my home
    Survival would be a mirage
    Behind which,
    My sanity waits to torture me
    I cannot bare the thought
    Also, "Thus" and "Behind which" seemed a bit out of place. I think your wording threw it off a tad bit. Your poem itself was good, I'm not knocking your work, not at all. I just think that sometimes, punctuation or lack thereof affects what you're trying to say. Especially in poems, it's nice to take a pause from one sentence to the next, it makes your piece flow a lot smoother, makes your words hit a lot harder.

    I'm liking the results from these challenges!!!

  7. #7
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Re: Atop A Milk Crate Podium

    I read this before. I really like the title, it's similar to one I've written before.

    You really carry this jubilant tone throughout the poem. I think you were able to exercise the approach you wanted and that a lot of good things come from it. You don't seem worried about the writing, is what I mean. You show a grasp on direction and moderation.
    The exclamation marks need to be addressed, like Miho mentioned. I personally thought they were fine as they were in the first two stanzas as a way of establishing your voice and character. Later on, it gets to be too much. I know it's used to convey hysteria but you can do that without the exclamations. On the point Miho made (she gives great feedback) "tis" was also out of place/context.
    Punctuation and how you assemble stanzas is something you need work on, I think. "Damnation seems fitting" or whatever, I thought was exceptional because of how you separated it. It took on a life outside of the poem, you know? It stands in contrast. A lot of the stanzas were scripted too predictably, although I wonder if you gave the structure you did as an ironic counterpoint to the concept. Structure of a poem =/= structure in the world.
    I thought the wording was good, otherwise, and that you show yourself as a promising talent. I'd like to see you tidy some things up but it's obvious you have a knack for writing. I want to see more.
    can I kick it?

  8. #8

    Re: Atop A Milk Crate Podium

    thanks for the responses, I do absolutely have to work on the punctuation. Appreciate the feedback.

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