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Thread: Theater of The Mind

  1. #1
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Theater of The Mind

    Theater of The Mind!

    Not everything is as it seems!


    We tangled by night time, beneath the star-spangled skyline
    Enhanced by lullabied eyelids that sang to my mind's eye
    It's in embracing when time flies, our skin could rot without notice
    As we studied the dark map and it's cosmic commotions
    Eyes locked on that ocean, I would show her system in entropy
    That each mistake I made was testing the limits of destiny
    The perfect physical entity - hence, I tethered our furnace
    I'd show her the meaning of forever, & how forever was worth it..

    She was stunning at night, sequined with celestial grace
    Spring breeze had raven locks gently feather her face
    We laid in poinsettias, cased - in the blessings of God
    She would listen intently, I'd be confessing my wrongs
    Her heart invested along - I shared my day
    Wouldn't judge me for ANYTHING, would never get scared away
    A perfect pair arrayed, she wouldn't even blink at a mention
    Of physical pension, as we rolled in the grass and I kissed her dimensions
    Surrounded by thistles and benches, in our favorite spot in the park
    I tendered midnight meetings and our ribs locked in the dark
    Then I would talk to her heart, I could almost see it with naked eyes
    I would tell her I love her and cradle my savored prize
    Under the sable sky, right by the lake's rippling waters
    When she looked uncomfortable, I shifted her posture
    Watched a body drift like an otter.. I thought she said it was blood
    ......Her brother was a swimmer, ever since he tested the tub
    We would watch his sessions above, watch him wiggle aquatic
    As she massaged my tense shoulders with the skill of a goddess
    & we'd build on the concepts, the basics of love and desire
    As we lay in the park, between the muck and the mire
    Sensed the subtlest fire in her eyes, and I fed it with ardent might
    Then leave her, until we would lie in the same spot tomorrow night


    Police Report
    April 26th, 2009
    Murdered Caucasian Women, Beaten and Shot to Death.
    Age 23, Found in Central Park. Possible Rape Victim?
    Murdered African Male, Gunshot Wounds, Drowned to Death.
    Age 25, Found in Central Lake.



    Finally done buying the bread, he parks his used Camry
    Bill enters the apartment, ready to stash the food pantry
    He walks by two landings, "ah, third floor, here we are"
    Jingles his keys, unlocks the door, ready for his meal to start
    He walks in, and feels his heart - rip to shreads at the figures
    "WHAT THE - WHAT... LIZ! ARE YOU GIVING HEAD TO A NIGGER!
    He skips the pleasentries, fingers a Derringer he keeps packed, just in case
    "I'll never hit a girl.." he says, "but I'll shoot her fuckin' face"
    The gun erupts, he shakes - the bodies fade and crumple
    He puts them in the trunk, nervous, his gait's a stumble
    Hears fading mumbles.. "SHUT UP NIGGER!" he barks with passion
    As he heads down 95, looking for a nice park to stash them.....

    "Hey, baby, I'm back, and I brought you your Nestle Coffee"
    He puts it in her hand, but it remains there, since flesh has rotted
    Her breath is coffined, but still he inches nearer
    Because of course...
    she's the feature thespian in his mind's twisted theater


    "The dark sky, the blank canvas of space.
    I feel like I'm looking into your eyes
    But it's not half as beautiful as you are."
    Last edited by soulstice.; March 2nd, 2010 at 09:42 PM

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  2. #2
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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  3. #3
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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  4. #4
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...299/index.html

    aw man this was off the hook but change that word nigger wow that shit turned me off right there son but keep on writing just watch your mouth
    Last edited by rhymebad; March 2nd, 2010 at 10:00 PM

  5. #5
    \W/est$ide ||_//\ 310 JLoCo's Avatar
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    this was nice. a bit longer then i like to read but well worth it. that line

    quote:
    The perfect physical entity - hence, I tethered our furnace
    I'd show her the meaning of forever, & how forever was worth it..

    didnt like the set up but the follow up was nice. keep droppin.
    check my latest,
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...341/index.html
    Young Gunz Baseball
    Est. 2010

  6. #6
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...370/index.html



    word dude... this was dope. I was really into it. love the heaps of emotion in that first part... really brings to light how much he cares for and thinks of this woman... then, he comes back only to see her suckin' off some dude... it's equally dope how you sort've kept that feeling of love from him to her regardless of what she'd done and how he'd felt about the situation to begin with... sort've on some psychotic/beautiful shit... flow was good.. had a couple bumps, like Coffee and rotted don't rhyme at all to me.. but hey, you still get the point across perfectly fine and the storyline progressed with ease... enjoyed the read man... thanks.. peace.

  7. #7
    Ars Longa Vita Brevis English's Avatar
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    In terms of crafting a story/narrative...keeping it interesting and depicting shit maintaining a pretty smooth consistent flow < you did that.

    This ain't really my tip...I don't fuck w/the label of "topical" and shit, though this is one of those ones...what struck me most was your wording - made the mellifluous flow (for the first two verses at least - mood changes after thart) & story compliment the other dope ways....

    Props on keeping it relatively straightforward without fucking on those abstarct tips too much...assuming that shit was your aim.

    Pretty impressive...and your writing flirts with poetry a couple of times - thing's a double edged sword but I ain't feel it hurt the piece at all

    Solid piece hombre - didn't feel a waste of time reading it.

    Just my slant on shit

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...791/index.html < if you could

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  8. #8
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    thanks broz. i got you both back. ive got abusy schedule for the rest of the day though, ill prob hit you up tomorrow or later tonight for sure sorry lol

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  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Northern Beggar's Avatar
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    i wont do any long intricate breakdown but....this was pretty damn ill, bro. good shit.
    [youtube]DmSREFKsZ7Y[/youtube]

  10. #10
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    up. thanks

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  11. #11
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    Not bad at all, but it's kinda not my type. Seems more poetic and lil boring to me but regardless very good job.

  12. #12
    You've Earned a Custom Title! One Man Army's Avatar
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    this was nice as hell, i mean everything was there topic, vocab, and a nice ass flow damn keep it up bro was loving the opener also
    battle record: 1-1

    "It's the one man army, general subliminal
    Fly through the sky, ready for war with syllables"

  13. #13

    Re: Theater of The Mind

    I liked it, very poignant but the ending was really Insane Clown Posse shit and generally unnecessary.
    Best line:
    "Surrounded by thistles and benches, in our favorite spot in the park
    I tendered midnight meetings and our ribs locked in the dark"
    Ribs locked. I never even thought of it that way, and the way it flows is spectacular.
    Worst line:
    "The perfect physical entity - hence, I tethered our furnace"
    What the heck does that even mean.
    8.5/10

  14. #14
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
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    Re: Theater of The Mind

    shes the perfect entity.... shes beautiful and such. tethered our furnace. means tied together their flames of passion... got more serious in the relationship. of course, the relationship didnt exist because shes dead.. but hes convinced shes alive. word though thanks

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  15. #15

    Re: Theater of The Mind

    this is fuckin ill..topic, flow, storyline, metas, everything was on point..this was my first read on this site, and so far im glad i read this drop...good shit mayne..

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