User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 11 of 11

Thread: you're all dead

  1. #1
    TT ✂ ✂ cutting ties Puncha Blurta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    962
    Battle Record
    18-13

    you're all dead

    You're dead, you're all dead

    The room was loud with quiet sobs
    and dying didn't sound very good either

    there was a cough
    which was strong enough to push a pencil
    and send it rolling off the table
    it hit the ground and snapped in two

    the clock stopped
    it fell off the wall and onto the plant pot
    which smashed
    the flower was fucked forever, soil soared into the sky

    I picked up the shattered pencil pieces
    a chunk of soil hit me in the eyeball
    I went to rub it out but
    there was a splinter in my finger now

    everything went from worse to rubbish
    my eye was bleeding and it stung with mud
    the room was full of tears as the dead clung together
    I should have told them all to leave but I thought I might as well wait

    the wallpaper was a nicer colour
    underneath the clocks old spot
    at least something good
    was poking out from under all of this

    there's no justice in a needle
    there's no cure for human error
    just the prick of one pin
    and I have stuck their fates together

    one woman, with a child strapped to her back, stood
    animal wild, face wet and red, screaming
    I could see her through my eye blood and she was bloody angry
    all of a sudden she stopped, static, and fell... backward

    I laughed, the rest of the room went silent, then psycho
    they all rose and made a run for me
    I quickly told a funny joke about horrible ghosts and it must've been good
    because they all died there and then, I'd like to think of laughter

    I dropped the pencil pieces then looked at all the corpses, it was a shame
    about the flower and the clock, I smiled at the nice old wall paper patch

    My eye's bleeding, my eye is bleeding









    .................................................. ....
    this was a challenge to write a poem of at least 30 lines describing a scenario in a doctors office in which some one has just received the results of a life or death medical test.

    I decided to tell it from the doctors perspective and tried not to focus on what the test was, who was dying or why, but to instead examine the effects that this had on the air in the room. I wanted to inject a dose of humour into a very serious and slightly macabre subject matter and I felt this was the best way to approach it.

    Don't enjoy this one too much, you sick fucks.
    Last edited by Puncha Blurta; March 2nd, 2010 at 06:14 AM
    KMT ? SMH ? FFS

    PN IN UR FACE
    i'm rollin in ur graves

  2. #2
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    1,851
    Battle Record
    3-0

    Re: you're all dead

    Yeah, this was the shit. I loved it. It was sick, twist, and funny. Kinda like that movie Zombiland. I think you did a very good job ignoring the grim nature of the subject and somehow warping it into a very...errr...I don't know, can't think of a word for it...but huh, yeah, I'm pressed for time. Just wanted let you know I read it and though it was a very dope piece. Good job my man.

    Favorite lines:
    all of a sudden she stopped, static, and fell... backward

    I laughed, the rest of the room went silent, then psycho
    they all rose and made a run for me
    I quickly told a funny joke about horrible ghosts and it must've been good
    because they all died there and then
    ^Loved the imagery and the humor of it all.


    Also:
    I dropped the pencil pieces then looked at all the corpses, it was a shame
    about the flower and the clock
    ^LMFAO...good shit.

    The only thing I didn't like about this poem was the use of the word soared. Just sounded weird and didn't seem to fit. Anyway, I really got to run. But, ummm, once again, very, very, good shit. Keep 'em coming, man.


    Peace!

  3. #3
    TT ✂ ✂ cutting ties Puncha Blurta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    962
    Battle Record
    18-13

    Re: you're all dead

    wow, glad you enjoyed it so much man! thanks a lot
    i only used the word soared for the S, maybe I could change it to shot, any suggestions?

    any ways, thanks again for leaving such positive feed, cheers man
    KMT ? SMH ? FFS

    PN IN UR FACE
    i'm rollin in ur graves

  4. #4
    Banned Cinizter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    South Cack-a-lack
    Posts
    354
    Battle Record
    8-7

    Re: you're all dead

    I liked the tone you set....kinda like I was in the piece y'know....where like this pencil is dropping, you're going to get it and your eye is bleeding.
    its like I felt the suspense of the people going to get you or whatever.
    But then its kinda ruined to me by the humour you used after that/

    its like poof and they all die like zombies cause this piece was supposed to be humourous also....overall it was a great piece I think it just could've ended differently.

    good job....keep posting cause I would like to read more of your work.

    out.

  5. #5
    Banned
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    775
    Battle Record
    20-7

    Re: you're all dead

    everything went from worse to rubbish
    my eye was bleeding and it stung with mud
    the room was full of tears as the dead clung together
    I should have told them all to leave but I thought I might as well wait

    i thought this piece was dope homie

  6. #6
    Writer Ctrl Alt Elite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    UK
    Age
    30
    Posts
    2,670
    Battle Record
    54-9
    Awards PC HOF FL Champion 1-2 Punch HW Champion LLL HOF 50+ Wins

    Re: you're all dead

    lol... honestly... this made no sense to me hahaahha. But it made me laugh from beggining to end. I don't think you cared what you were writing... You just did it for lolz. And I liked it. It really was, quite lol-worthy.

    The end was funny as hell... the telling a joke line was funny as hell... it was just pure random and I loved it lmao.

    Nice!
    haha

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Raw Talent's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    398
    Battle Record
    2-9

    Re: you're all dead

    wait...this didnt rhyme...this shit aint hard then...ima actually try...

    tho i kno nothing about poetry..i can just tell u the imagery here was pretty dope..thought u'd be happy with another feed...up

  8. #8
    Writer Ctrl Alt Elite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    UK
    Age
    30
    Posts
    2,670
    Battle Record
    54-9
    Awards PC HOF FL Champion 1-2 Punch HW Champion LLL HOF 50+ Wins

    Re: you're all dead

    poetry doesn't have to rhyme ^
    Most good poetry doesn't rhyme lol...

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Raw Talent's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    398
    Battle Record
    2-9

    Re: you're all dead

    ^ yeah i knew that lol jus trying to be funny...didnt work i guess...oh well

  10. #10
    TT ✂ ✂ cutting ties Puncha Blurta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    962
    Battle Record
    18-13

    Re: you're all dead

    haha, thanks for coming to check guys, appreciate it
    KMT ? SMH ? FFS

    PN IN UR FACE
    i'm rollin in ur graves

  11. #11
    dead on revival soulstice.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    3,204
    Battle Record
    8-3

    Re: you're all dead

    I laughed, the rest of the room went silent, then psycho
    they all rose and made a run for me
    I quickly told a funny joke about horrible ghosts and it must've been good
    because they all died there and then, I'd like to think of laughter
    ^^ that was the wittiest bit

    but yeah, this whole style was dope, fresh, fun to read. i liked how the doctor was kind of nonchalant about the whole person dying thing, because i mean, hes around that shit all the time! kind of an interesting twist to put on the human nature. the only thing i didnt get was the last line, the bleeding eye thing? something went over my head, or i missed a line lol. so yeah, everything went together well, from the doctor being less concerned about the death than the wall paper and clock, from him referring to the terminal patients family and friends as zombies and such. that was quite interesting. good shit, this was really original. ive actually read it multiple times, and enjoyed a bit more each time. wait. fuck me he rubbed his eye with the splinter of course. so obvious im sorry haha. i liked how you began the rubbish stanza about HIS personal problems with his bloody eye. one sick, twisted, morally bankrupt doctor. couldnt give a fuck about dead patients on his watch

    nice job

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Similar Threads

  1. *dead*
    By Vegeta™ in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: December 12th, 2007, 12:27 AM
  2. Nas- Hip Hop is Dead(Presented by Skiddz- Album Reviews is Dead)
    By Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 49
    Last Post: May 1st, 2007, 01:20 PM
  3. Dead
    By JAY DOT. in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: August 10th, 2005, 09:34 PM
  4. For the dead kid. Why's he dead? Ask mom.
    By Born To Kill in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: April 14th, 2004, 12:34 AM
  5. Replies: 40
    Last Post: May 29th, 2002, 10:10 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •