feel dirty, feel icky,
the bug crawling, so sicky.
pricks and pins, beneath the skin.
like a hamster, the wheel still spins.
vacation in monotony, here to stay.
looking forward to the day..
collecting stamps, favorite past time.
they dissappeared, just like the last time.
feel dirty, feel icky,
the bug crawling, so sicky .
Last edited by Chuck Diesel; March 2nd, 2010 at 12:12 AM
Last edited by Chuck Diesel; February 28th, 2010 at 06:07 AM
So you wanted me to feed one of yours.
From my perspective of this one, you need to break away from certain pitfalls of writing. You should consider abandoning rhyming for awhile so you can find your voice. It's hard for me to fully see your thoughts because I feel the rhyming is a barrier. Rhyming 'icky' with 'sticky' isn't overly poetic or thoughtful, if you know what I mean. Rhyming is a difficult thing, because you want it to be good/natural but not contrived. For now, I'd say stick to free verse without rhymes or just try out internal rhyming to strengthen the writing. Hamster doesn't have a 'p' by the way.
As I mentioned above, work on writing freely. After you begin to develop a tone that you like, broaden your work with poetic devices. Explore similes and metaphors slowly, so you can get a handle on using them with a purpose. The highlight of this poem was "collecting stamps is my favourite past-time". That is a powerful idea. It seems to imply a quiet, secluded life where small things are important. It references habit. I'd like to see you take that idea and expand it, bringing in other images of a quiet life, all focused on a purpose you aim for.
Keep writing, I'd like to see how your stuff develops.
can I kick it?
o.k. in my opinion this had a good flow to it for how short it lasted.....hard to give it anymore feed than that cause it wasn't long.
I think you came a little too simple....like as far as your vocab in this piece.
you don't have to be overly simplistic cause its a short piece y'know.
out.
this'd work good shouted cutely by a girl on a track, think like... kid creole & the coconuts or the chicks out of the B 52's
i didn't read all of spokenbohemians feed but i read the start and they're right, stuff like this is fine, it's nice and simple but you can tell that you're writing is locked up by a lot of boundaries. ditch them and just write what you feel instead and you'll find some DEEP SHIT inside of you.
KMT ? SMH ? FFS
•
PN IN UR FACE
i'm rollin in ur graves
thanks for the feed guys, i actually was intending for this to read as a childish nursery rhyme from the perspective of a grimey diseased dopehead. simple n a lil rough around the edges. if you'd like to read something more poetic, u might try giving my piece "the sky" a read. just trying out different styles n what not.
dirt**
nothing left to say that spoken didn't already cover.
oh word good call. hey arent you that kid who runs around the forums pretending to be an mma fighter? dying for acceptance on an internet forum. maybe i got u mixed up with someone else though.
LoL.
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