Last Writes

[Know-It-All]

Blood and tears trickle onto parchment
Memories burns through my mind
Twisting all perceptions of humanity
That I still hold within my soul
All seems lost within this page

I lose my place constantly
Scripted thought lay listless
My heart palpitates fast
Like a train chugging down
The tracks of my memories
Forging white smoke from inside
My mind starts fading memories
Are soon distorted.
My train of thought derailed
Drenching the terrain in blood
I cannot feel the words anymore

A cold chill tingles me spine
Fear sets in at a rapid pace
Leaving me breathless
I do not have the time for this
Zero hour is nearly upon us

My tears begin to fall again
How am I going to finish?
Crosses my diminished mind
Three hours, I sit staring
At a blank page

Praying to God to fill me
With a few words to write
Words that could kill me
Or make me feel true happiness
But I have nothing--
Nothing at all

When I do take this woman
To be my lofty wedded wife
To have and to hold through
Sickness and health
For richer or poorer
Till death do we part
As long as I live

Maybe all I need to say is "I do."

[Know-It-All]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...567/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...572/index.html

leave links I will hit you back

[spokenoh]

There are both good and bad elements to this.

For starters, I liked some of the internal rhyming. I hardly see that anyone on here and it's always refreshing to see someone play with words within sentences. The second stanza is an excellent example of fundamentally sound writing. Everything seems perfectly placed, and the ideas are carried through purposefully. The stanza is definitely the shining point of the poem for this. All of the poems are well organized as well, and aesthetically it all looks good.
On to some of the content. I feel that you're close to having a really good poem but certain things kept you back from it. There are elements of cliche which should be addressed. Although your title, Last Writes, works for the poem, I can't help but feel the whole right/write idea is just played out. It's been done a million times and it isn't getting any more poetic. Also, the initial image of "blood and tears" stands alone as a cliche. I think if you're going to use a cliche, you need to redefine it or expand on it.
There were also moments where punctuation could be clearer; a comma here, a period there, etc. You need to be a little more forceful with the poem. You need to take it upon yourself to rewrite stanzas looking for better ways of stating ideas. If you had put a little more craft into some of the stanzas/lines this poem would be better. This is what we strive for as writers.
The idea I get from this is a groom preparing his wedding vows to his wife, unable to formulate his thoughts. It seems like you might be relating the concept of being a writer, struggling with writer's block, with the nervousness of someone about to get married. This is just something I picked up on, it might not be correct. I feel your language could be tighter towards pointing where you want the reader to go. It is a good idea either way.
In sum, your poem is good and shows a lot of room for improvement (always a good thing). If you just work a little more on refining your sentences and images, cleaning up the language/punctuation, and looking for new ways of saying things, your writing will be a little closer to where you probably want it to be.
If you could give mine a read and let me know what you think, I'd appreciate it.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...091/index.html