Dreaming

[Thrust]

Who? Where? What... am i saying?
Listen but only take for what is taking.
Too strung up on our laungauge.
Hurt so we will bandage.
rip it off and see more damage...
than before. I'll ignore.
every scar... every mark...
this world has made.
Realize it was my fate I make.
If i wanted it different, it would be such ways now.

No black, no white, oh holy grey!
I prey, I'd say.
And you don't have to listen,
Standing there just pissing,
Missing... that last second shot.
But who gives two fucks if you
would have never given the thought.
Talking wishing I was taught.
I'm on this trip i wish i brought
all of you... we'd be in such solitude,
with attitude. only the best for you.
Which is the best for me,
divine glory, I'll tell the story
With endless chapters.

My master, has no final lecture.
This is how I puzzled my pieces to be.
My own made up harmony.
And you may think...
I am laying here dreaming.
Oh yes, ineed.
All day I have been sitting all day thinking
how much bretter it was when i was dreaming.

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...var=&p=7537665



Really like this poem. The wording is really smooth, and it all flowed well. I enjoyed the oldschool kind of poetry vibe that it set off. And loved the concept that you went with. The rhymescheme was simple, but as a poem, it's not required to be complex. The way you had it, it went well. I loved that second stanza, especially the endless chapters part. You had a nice voice, keep writing man. Enjoyed it. Nom'd.

[spokenoh]

It's been awhile.

The strongest aspect of it was your voice. I get the sense reading it that you read it out loud while writing. The language and diction is really bare. It takes on a confessional tone.
The rhyme scheme was mostly arbitrary. I wasn't too keen on the rhyming within it - I felt like you could do without. At some points the rhymes seem to carry one thought to the next but I think you'd have more room to ventilate the ideas if you just abandoned the schema altogether. There were some good puns in it, notably the puzzle pieces one. There was some lines that could've been worded better. I don't think "to be" was necessary with the puzzle piece line and the first stanza suffers the most with wording. I'm also not sure if you mean pray instead of prey. The word "pissing" is abrasive to read, as well.
The poem needs some refining but it has worth in its skeletal form. I'd lay off the ellipses and tighten the language a bit. Otherwise, it's good to see you writing again.

[Thrust]

thanks for the word. to be honest what you guys are saying is what i'm trying to do. abstract lryics and something that doesn't make sense without your own thought or perception is what i'm trying to accomplish. honestly when i wrote this i had the tone from "song to sing when i'm lonely" by john frusicnate and it's the most inspirational and meaningful song i've ever heard. his direction towards music is my own perception of life and he's pretty much singing my thoughts and playing the tune, as simple as can be, perfectly how i think them he just has the talents to play them.

[spokenoh]

Yeah, John Frusciante is pretty wicked. When I read "listen but only take for what is taking" it made me think of of how he writes. Sorry, just had to mention I'm a fan of his work too.

[Puncha Blurta]

this was pretty powerful, it usually pisses me off when poems rhyme a lot but i read this out loud first time through and caught the flow instantly. it's a strong piece, take it to some open mic nights and shout it.