Design Flaw

[Thugasaurus]

Design Flaw

I'm a villian of sorts, or sort of a villian
Got a million of stories, and stories of millions
But I'm inclined to begin, dare not I say when
With a tale about men, overcome with sin
The night fell fast, and shadows moved past
He sits near the trash, hand on his flask
His mind is diseased, and all logic has ceased
Lives with no ease, resents when he breathes
As he drifts from sane, he dreams about pain
The hurt that had came, and blood in the drain
The scene was of gore, unlike any before
A blade on the floor, by a body or four
Carefully he cleans, erasing the scene
So the act of a fiend, will remain unseen
He starts with an arm, and saws with a calm
Til the feeling of harm, comforts his palm
He bags each part, each limb and each heart
Until evidence at start, will unsuspectingly depart
He feels evil and cold, though no apology told
His expression controlled, no motives unfold
He carries each sack, as a trophy on his back
And digs behind a shack, when night is most black
The sun comes to rise, and darkness sudsides
He opens his eyes, and revisits the cries
As if stuck on repeat, he remembers his feat
Less bitter than sweet, and all but complete
He takes his stand, with gun in hand
Last thoughts disband, all is as planned
The end draws near, and he pulls with no fear
The neighbors will hear, the public will tear
Bodies unearthed, and pieces dispersed
The children first, but the wife is the worst
News will spread, and minds are fed
The world moves ahead, less a family dead


*this was originally posted in Open Mic, I have added a part, edited it to improve the flow and thought it fit better as a poem. Hope you enjoyed.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...877/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...537/index.html

[Cinizter]

Idk....I think this would still fit more as an o.m.....just doesn't seem that poetic and the simple AA BB CC rhymescheme made it kinda boring or flat in my opinion. The topic of this serial killer type guy going through the motions seemed like a used subject also.

I've seen alot better work from you.....dust this one off and keep going....


outtie*

[Thugasaurus]

thanks for the feed, just experimenting with storytelling. I'll hit your newer piece up soon.

[Topic]

I think it works more as a poem even with the rhyme scheme. However, it did read rather bland. kind of like here is A now lets go to B and you move all the way through showing very little emotion. It lacked detail and it seems like it is lacking creativity. While I think it could be improved I dont think it is bad. Storytelling is the hardest part to try to establish without it seeming either too wordy or too vague. Here, I think you might be in the middle if not a little to vague. This is the first thing I have ever read from you but I will continue to read yours because I think that you have the ability to write something great once you find your niche.

[Dangerfield]

I disagree, I think that this is the sort of thing that would work better as a vocal verse, as long as there are compounding stories around it to put it in context. The actual crux of the story isn't in first person, so I don't think the lack of emotion cited is imperitive. Perhaps implement it as a vignette in a larger story of someone(?) who watches the actions of others, providing little more than a commentary.