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Thread: no bed of roses.

  1. #1
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    no bed of roses.

    Born into dustclouds & small towns,
    their leaves were of branches too short
    to hang innocence like guilty men
    tied to predilection, trying to find
    solid ground in an open sore dirtmound.

    Every tree was cut from the waist down,
    saw its limbs pull feathers from a flock
    of mourning doves, casting hope
    into darkness like shadow play
    and this town was built by stagehands.

    Where the workhorses are namebranded,
    twin-sized giants fight over top-bunks
    in a ghost-town of unrest & fractured dreams.
    If only they had rode out into
    the sunset before the dead were beaten to life,
    this horse may have known freedom.

    They saw it in each other's eyes;
    their cataracts were of the different sort,
    knew it wasn't long before this was
    the rest of their life -
    pipedreams and cornfields
    becoming success stories
    and epitaphs for kids to throw rocks at.

    She bit the apple furthest from the tree,
    said if you never remember me, love
    It'll be easier for me too. We'll end up
    sitting on these roots older than habit
    beneath the shadow of ritual
    until we're buried under sentiment,
    cheeks turned to the cold side of pillows.
    I don't want no bed of roses.

    The factory churned out a song for them,
    town-folk lifted their faces to a horizon
    that always sat quietly behind
    the outskirts of imagination,
    before going back to watching feet
    while the cedars with their backs to it all
    counted the last remaining seeds.


    replied to Sharp's and god knows who else, but I'll get links.
    Last edited by spokenoh; February 15th, 2010 at 10:48 PM
    can I kick it?

  2. #2
    Banned Cinizter's Avatar
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    Re: no bed of roses.

    -and epitaphs for kids to throw rocks at

    Nice piece...and for some reason this line really stuck out to me this one and also, the one about beating the dead back to life....you have really good imagery and structure in this piece.

    I liked the five line stanzas and how towards the end the five line stanza is in almost a poetic structure but also paragraphic too....

    nice job spokenbohemian////


    outtie*

  3. #3
    I'm here to Destroy YOU! Galactus The Devourer's Avatar
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    Re: no bed of roses.

    My first read in this forum, and I must say it has started off much to my enjoyment.. I enjoyed this very much. I really liked the second verse it to me totally described industrialization in a small rural area.. this line makes me think you may be a genious.. older than habit beneath the shadow of ritual.. very nice man...

    The idea of this is to me is people being beat down by the american dream unable to change there circumstance in life.

  4. #4
    as ain't Jamhuri's Avatar
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    Re: no bed of roses.

    This poem has very careful wording. I got the feeling that every line had something to it that connected to the whole theme. Problem is I could'nt figure quite surely what it was about. I've read it about thrice & I get it a bit like Dub, the setting is some Industrial Revolution time, and people caught in the transition.
    i really liked this
    town-folk lifted their faces to a horizon
    that always sat quietly behind
    the outskirts of imagination,
    before going back to watching feet
    A great way to describe the aloofness and lowered heads.

    your writing is on a high level man.

    peace.
    Last edited by Jamhuri; February 18th, 2010 at 07:31 AM

  5. #5
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    Re: no bed of roses.

    this shit was straight beasting. idk it makes me think i should stop writin hahaa..perfect wording.. you painted the picture great..not really too much to say about this.. i guess the only negative was graspin the concept at first.. but the piece was worth another reading for better understanding

  6. #6

    Re: no bed of roses.

    She bit the apple furthest from the tree,
    said if you never remember me, love
    It'll be easier for me too. We'll end up
    sitting on these roots older than habit
    beneath the shadow of ritual
    until we're buried under sentiment,
    cheeks turned to the cold side of pillows.
    I don't want no bed of roses.
    that was my favorite stanza here. I really enjoyed reading. The wording was great and helped to set a great tone throughout the entire piece. I don't really have any critiques, I wish I could help you improve in some area here, but I think you were able to achieve exactly what you were going for. Very enjoyable, I'll be sure to check out your future pieces.

    Should you feel compelled
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...567/index.html

  7. #7
    Jager-Bomb Chuck Diesel's Avatar
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    Re: no bed of roses.

    can you return the feed on my piece The Sky? you seem to have a pretty good grasp on writing just looking for some good crit..

  8. #8

    Re: no bed of roses.

    I Love this section
    She bit the apple furthest from the tree,
    said if you never remember me, love
    It'll be easier for me too. We'll end up
    sitting on these roots older than habit
    beneath the shadow of ritual
    until we're buried under sentiment,
    cheeks turned to the cold side of pillows.
    I don't want no bed of roses.
    Although I know I should no longer be surprised by your amazing way of writing - you have done it again. done and done.
    Last edited by juliawhispers; March 19th, 2010 at 12:06 AM

  9. #9
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: no bed of roses.

    one of those i wish i wrote.

    there is so much i want to say about this but unfortunately I just don't know how to write it out. this piece to me is just itself, like, the best expression and opinion of this poem is defined by reading it aloud to oneself. there is something wonderfully epic and at the same time close to home about this. there was something reckless about the tone and story but the writing itself was very critical and precise. i want this to be enjoyed by everyone. errr, sorry if it doesn't make sense, im a bit hung over and i have a bad ear infection that's giving me slight vertigo.

    just, thank you.
    murder murder

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