Fortunate [fawr-chuh-nit]

[Joe Metts]

Ayo.
.
.


Theres motivation in holding satan higher then god
when our whole nations role is deflated and divided by jobs
plus our leaders lead us exactly like a fetus would
my feet are sore and it'd be easier if they would feed us good
evil/good? whats the difference? its real easy to tell
one is the path to the heaven the other will lead us to hell
believe me i'm a believer but i'm a believer in self
but i dont believe in the leaders that feed us jesus to sell
i dont feel needed but sometimes i feel i can help
but i dont kneel n pray. i feel today that god needs us to yell
give us this day our daily bread. hail marys are dead
if another bill comes im shootin a shot in the mail carriers head
it's THAT serious Barrack, get laced wit the brrrrrat
better start bending some rules and never ever straighten'em back
you wanted change, well this is your last chance now
this the part where you make a speech, preach and tap dance around
we got problems stockpiling but u get a fortune of bling?

1. we have no escape route out of other counties
2. we cant keep illiegal people out of this country

....it looks like our country is 0-2 in the most important of things
how much more can the poor suffer other than it already is
while the rich get richer. thats all i ever thought the fortunate did
without a silver spoon they say you wasnt a fortunate kid
but thats the main problem with 'our' country...





...most of it doesnt realize what fortunate is.



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...983/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...940/index.html

[Hush....]

Good shit Mets....

[Insaner]

Theres motivation in holding satan higher then god
when our whole nations role is deflated and divided by jobs
- The first line impressed me ALOT. Already a good internal multi and the meaning was good. Got me really curious about what the next line was going to say.. it was OK but bit of a disappointment. I think I see where you're coming from but that line doesn't actually make sense.. 'our whole nations role is deflated...'- good up to that part, but then- 'divided by jobs'? The role of the nation is divided? I don't think that makes sense but even if it does: by jobs? I think you just didn't express what you were really trying to say properly.

plus our leaders lead us exactly like a fetus would
my feet are sore and it'd be easier if they would feed us good
- Not feeling the first line too much.. I agree most of our leaders are bullshit, but 'like a fetus'.. lol its just not the sort of simile that is effective in this situation. The next line however is good.. compliments the first line and 'feet are tired' implies that something that tires you has been going on for a long time.. which I think fits quite nicely to the situation of leaders.

evil/good? whats the difference? its real easy to tell
one is the path to the heaven the other will lead us to hell
- decent lines.. rhymed quite well and is clear and straightforward.. although I don't know how many people would agree with this particular philosophy regarding evil and good ahaha..

believe me i'm a believer but i'm a believer in self
but i dont believe in the leaders that feed us jesus to sell
- The thing that I think was really effective here was repeating 'believe' 3 times in the first line.. at first I looked at that in a negative way, but then in the next line, 'but I don't believe'.. I think that that sort of flip is quite effective when pulled off correctly like it is here. However, I think it would have been more effective if you just said 'i'm a believer in self'.. because that 'but' puts a contradictory edge there before you put the twist in on the next line.. so it lessens the effect at least slightly. Other than that though.. the second line was really good up till 'feed us jesus'.. but then 'to sell'? That line is saying that the leaders get you to preach about Jesus yourself - the way I interpret it anyway. IF this is what you were trying to say then this is a very effective way of putting it.. I somehow don't think you really meant that though..

i dont feel needed but sometimes i feel i can help
but i dont kneel n pray. i feel today that god needs us to yell
give us this day our daily bread. hail marys are dead
if another bill comes im shootin a shot in the mail carriers head
- Feeling the first line.. no complaints there. Next line is good too.. the 'yell' bit seems slightly forced though to me.. next line is decent too.. feels slightly weak though because I was expecting a multi to rhyme with 'needs us to yell', but there was just that single syllable rhyme.. although I think you did attempt an internal in that line but to be honest if you did it wasn't done very successfully. The next line makes sense and is good but you kind of just suddenly jumped topics..

it's THAT serious Barrack, get laced wit the brrrrrat
better start bending some rules and never ever straighten'em back
- I like how you name the politician at this point to whom you were probably referring to near the beginning. First line is decent.. I didn't get the second line though, although credit for using the metaphor/double meaning type concept of bend/straighten, although it is slightly overused already but as a homosexual reference.

you wanted change, well this is your last chance now
this the part where you make a speech, preach and tap dance around
we got problems stockpiling but u get a fortune of bling?
First line.. good.. second line.. 'speach' yehh.. 'preach' yehh.. then 'tap dance around'? Lol not feelin that man I think you just wrote that because its an alright rhyme to the previous line. 'Fortune of bling'.. Barrack Obama? Not feelin.

Overall a tight piece considering the nice rhyme schemes and the implicit meaning (from the point of view of a reader who already has knowledge about the subject), but I think there's a major problem with not being able to find the correct word to say what you're really trying to say. I think that alot of what you said that didn't make sense was just put there because it made a nice rhyme. Try to write so that EVERYBODY would understand what you're gettin at.. not just people who actually already know about the stuff that you're talkin about. I didn't say anythin about the last two paragraphs coz I didn't know if they were part of the actual piece.. or you sayin sum stuff at the end.

The most important thing that you should take from this critique is that you should say what you actually want to say.. and not just vaguely aim at what you really want to say using words that happen to rhyme nicely. SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY, even if you have to compromise other aspects such as rhyming, because as you progress you will find more ways of expressing yourself properly, and then you can concentrate more on the technical side of things like flow and rhyme schemes. It would help tremendously if you improved you're vocabulary.

Just my opinion on this..
Peace.

[Joe Metts]

thanks man.


looking forward to it.

[Insaner]

Feed complete.