lifes a beautiful women but karmas a bitch

[ViS.]

My open wounds wont heal and they scar me like a stitch
see lifes a beautiful women.. true, but karmas a bitch
she took my love for life, a passion im startin to miss
it drives me crazy enough to flip n put my car in a ditch
friends say that im buggin out but this is hardly a glitch
its not the booze or the drugs cuz they arent in the mix
n if i think too hard about it then i start to get pissed
on an emotional trip i cant handle with ma heart in my fist
i feel like a bum... in need of change but im broke as fuck
in therapy with a knife cuz the bitch told me to open up
said i got attatchment issues but shit dude, no one trusts
i guess shes right about one thing... being lonely sucks
this medication is bust... why the fuck cant i relax?
too stressed out to leave the house havin panic attacks
you better give me somethin stronger cuz this Xanax is crap
i need somethin that can turn my ass into vanishin act
cuz in a room full of people i lay low and stand in the back
knowin im the biggest joke there but im too damaged to laugh
ive asked god a thousand times to help me balance my lows
but when i overcome one obstacle theres another challenge below
i guess the devil took my soul and i must've allowed it show
cuz god hasnt given a fuck since the day i powdered my nose

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...169/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...192/index.html

[Kodiak]

I liked this... it had a nice flow, it wasent choppy, decent structure, and some cool metaphors could use some more multis thou
good piece over all

the lines below in paticular

i feel like a bum... in need of change but im broke as fuck
in therapy with a knife cuz the bitch told me to open up
cuz in a room full of people i lay low and stand in the back
knowin im the biggest joke there but im too damaged to laugh
ive asked god a thousand times to help me balance my lows
but when i overcome one obstacle theres another challenge below

[Ink Poyzin]

n if i think too hard about it then i start to get pissed
on an emotional trip i cant handle with ma heart in my fist
i feel like a bum... in need of change but im broke as fuck
in therapy with a knife cuz the bitch told me to open up

^dope.

ive asked god a thousand times to help me balance my lows
but when i overcome one obstacle theres another challenge below

^word to this, man. always another problem waiting after a problem.

im really feelin this piece, man. alot of shit here i can honestly say i go through everyday in my life. it was realness and somethin i can relate to. emotion packed like a automatic.. them metaphors were dope.. really stuck the piece out. flow wasnt choppy. it was smooth and easy to read. dont know what dude talking about above cuz this shit had multi's every line lol. much props and respect, man. this was a good drop. keep writin. pz.

[Rosetti Frost]

nice shit bro the multis were there...this had metas...good flow...great emotion....and it was a topic most people can relate to...I thought the length was just right for this...and that you stayed on topic...rhyme scheme was pretty good too...

overall I liked this piece...I will look for more of your stuff in the future

[ViS.]

upp

[ViS.]

thanks upp

[Mr. Black]

nice flow good vocab really emotional it was above average

[ViS.]

word upp

[ViS.]

lookin for more feed.. thanks

[ViS.]

zzz

[ViS.]

uppp

[Esc0BosS]

??? @ the feed

flow is off from the go...you first bar got broken multiz n sht...and that 'like a stich' line...like really?

decent emotion...i c thatz easily what tha focus is...but no way does sht pass decent...it has no depth...sht may be real...but obvious real...u aint sayn nothn new...u aint puttin it across with any sort of impact or even personal look on shitz

its also mad basic in termz off jus str8 rhyming skillz

never a hate thing god...but no doubt u gon take it howeva u wanna...#1 stay up

[Networth]

My open wounds wont heal and they scar me like a stitch
see lifes a beautiful women.. true, but karmas a bitch
she took my love for life, a passion im startin to miss
it drives me crazy enough to flip n put my car in a ditch
friends say that im buggin out but this is hardly a glitch
its not the booze or the drugs cuz they arent in the mix
^^[I]This was as well done as I think the delivery allowed man real talk
Its attempting to tell a story, and does. So in that case this "stanza" tells a story however, the wording becomes follow reading when you talked in line 4. All the same the message opens the story, plus the multies help to entertain[/I]..
n if i think too hard about it then i start to get pissed
on an emotional trip i cant handle with ma heart in my fist
^It definitely brought you down to size as they kinda say, but in the way that it humanizes you, separates you from just being the writer/artist.
The delivery tho, is off I know you can tell.
i feel like a bum... in need of change but im broke as fuck
in therapy with a knife cuz the bitch told me to open up
^the only thing wrong here is it switches the piece from a text style delivery like you seemed to be usin(and most ppl think they usin, including me when we cant see our own wording mistakes) the rest of the piece. However maybe you intended it, I just noticed and it's a bit bit off to me.
said i got attatchment issues but shit dude, no one trusts
i guess shes right about one thing... being lonely sucks
this medication is bust... why the fuck cant i relax?
too stressed out to leave the house havin panic attacks
you better give me somethin stronger cuz this Xanax is crap
i need somethin that can turn my ass into vanishin act
^Ayo, delivered wit passion, this would Torch an audio song so maybe that probably was your intention.
cuz in a room full of people i lay low and stand in the back
knowin im the biggest joke there but im too damaged to laugh
ive asked god a thousand times to help me balance my lows
but when i overcome one obstacle theres another challenge below
^You attempted a lot of emotion but with a complex delivery, it was just worded a bit poorly, it would be reaallly evident in audio.
i guess the devil took my soul and i must've allowed it show
cuz god hasnt given a fuck since the day i powdered my nose
^really didn't like this as the end of the piece, and it was worded poorly,,

But this piece overall was a solid execution of allowing words to express a story,, events within, and emotion. It wasn't a master piece, but you showcased you absolutely have mastered the basics.. and now just like with most of us, you need choose how to apply them. You'll have times where like this where the rhyme scheme is difficult to keep, AAAAA for 5 or 6 lines but it says EXACTLY what you wanna say FTMP so keep it, and Im sure times where For the most part just wont be good enough like poets who don't rhyme.

This was a 89/100 if I rated on a scale, and with some rewording and maybe an added stanza or two, it could be an OM HOF nominee, or even winner.. it was that much a showcase of mastery over multies and rhyme scheme which are basic elements of writing that I've seen OM HOF winners lack.

Good One Vizion

[ViS.]

uppp

[Soule]

Only complain I have, it your rhymescheme. I want to see more multies, that's all. This read was actually really nice. I enjoyed it a lot. Let's collaborate, if you're interested. The wording was pretty nice, a few spots where it seemed like it fell off but mostly enjoyable. Flowed pretty well. I could relate with the piece, I think that's what I liked most about it.