A Man Who Stands Damned

[English]

Short topical thing I ripped from a picture...don't complain about the length, just fuck with it;



There’s a man who stands damned…commanding a mask & a lord’s cane,
A cape spans his back; arms forward...shoulders behold a placid broad gait,
Peaceful holder of the bluntest sword ‘till it swung & sung discord;
Had him shunned uncured, in a one sided concord he was made…impasse; ingrained,
Lost, once implored those, who chose to ignore him, for a contour of his past…a name,
Can’t quite recall why he was abhorred, hordes & masses told him his masquerade,
Was made to envelope his pain, now how did he develop this enveloping bane?
The frail fella forever feigned freedom was a floundering fool’s game,
So now he’s padlocked, mocked by his own façade, times shown his soul is hard to claim,
Can he feel a tug of the heart or brain? Or contemplate the love of the art or shame?
The hilarity on his “face” encases the polarity of his being, craving parity or grace,
But no…no familiarity in his place, just a guaranteeing smile all the while, refusing to efface.

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[Z-rO]

aint mad at this... was kinda feelin the flow... good vocab too, 4 rippin on a pic aint bad id give it an 7.5 for what it is

[XM]

English i'll feed this when I get home. And welcome, I see you ventured your way to RB. lol

[Jæk]

i like that you ripped the pic that was sick the vocab was good the wording would have givin almost the same picture in my head without it good stuff the flow was on point
8/10

[The Nav Man™]

I liked this piece, im thinkin of doin somethin similar with the picture thing. Had some good some good vocab n wording n what not. Really painted a picture in my head. Dig the shit man. Good read.
8/10

[rhymebad]

man this was nice and the flow never stopped I'm impressed at this thse opening lines right here broke it down love this stuff keep up the good work

There’s a man who stands damned…commanding a mask & a lord’s cane,
A cape spans his back; arms forward...shoulders behold a placid broad gait,
Peaceful holder of the bluntest sword ‘till it swung & sung discord;
Had him shunned uncured, in a one sided concord he was made…impasse; ingrained,

[English]

Word, no1 crits just loosely say what they like, lmfao

XM you've fed this somewhere else before, but where you at bourgeoisis?

[Lotti Motti]

yea picture is ill....i like the story ur tellin....kinda gets tangled up in spots but it flowed well overall and had some good lines....well done....

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...472/index.html

[English]

(Leave links and I'll return feed)

up

[Oranges]

Since this was a really well done piece, even though it was short (I had to fuck with it) I'm gunna leave some solid feedback in hopes others will see it and do the same for you man. So here goes.

There’s a man who stands damned…commanding a mask & a lord’s cane,
A cape spans his back; arms forward...shoulders behold a placid broad gait,
good imagery, not too cluttered
Peaceful holder of the bluntest sword ‘till it swung & sung discord;
Had him shunned uncured, in a one sided concord he was made…impasse; ingrained,
nice description of the cane as the bluntest sword, but second line threw me off your flow a touch.
Lost, once implored those, who chose to ignore him, for a contour of his past…a name,
Can’t quite recall why he was abhorred, hordes & masses told him his masquerade,
ok....the flow is getting a touch choppy even though the vocab is strong. Nice lead into third bar
Was made to envelope his pain, now how did he develop this enveloping bane?
The frail fella forever feigned freedom was a floundering fool’s game,
seeing bane show up as a second rhyme scheme was disappointing, you already used that imagery and to me it was recycling a bit. However I really like the strong alliteration used in the second line. This is crushing work.
So now he’s padlocked, mocked by his own façade, times shown his soul is hard to claim,
Can he feel a tug of the heart or brain? Or contemplate the love of the art or shame?
first line a bit stretched, good flow though and I liked the questions in the second line, it provides something to ponder, and made me examine the picture more.
The hilarity on his “face” encases the polarity of his being, craving parity or grace,
But no…no familiarity in his place, just a guaranteeing smile all the while, refusing to efface.
nice wordplay at the end there familiar rhyme scheme I enjoyed the duality you used through both of these lines. I think you could clean them up a touch though.

Overall this was a well written piece, far above a few of the other pieces I have looked at since I've been back. Definitely have a great concept of the art form I liked that you used a wide variety of writing schemes and still kept it respectable flow wise. At times I must say that for me the flow did become choppy but I could see your strong attempts to make solid imagery meld with the topic picture.

RTF please and thank you.....I'll post a link in a minute.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...569/index.html

[Oranges]

delete pls, double post.

[Oranges]

how it double posted I'll never know. if a mod could tiddle that up would be fabbo. thx.

[English]

And I'm out for the day

Some Orange-like feed would be good.

[Bruklor]

In all honesty, I wasn't exactly impressed by this. I hope this doesn't sound offensive, as it's just my opinion.

I personally think you may have used the picture a little bit too much as a crutch, rather than a source of an idea. It read as though you were searching at times to find words to suit the picture, and make it 'make sense'. That kind of goes against the idea of writing to a picture.
Usually the idea is to envelope on the picture, give meaning, give a story, give a background to the image at hand.
The reason why so many people (especially in the leagues) write to pictures is it's an easy way to spark creativity, and a story... But you basically back up the picture, making it sound very forced and trifled.
Your use of words didn't seem very fiting, and suiting in many places... again, seemingly forced.

[Esc0BosS]

And I'm out for the day

Some Orange-like feed would be good.

greedy muhfuka