Shit, I have less of a life than both Baron and Spoken. So I can help people increase their topical skills I suppose. Send me ONE piece a week and we'll work on it from there.
Shit, I have less of a life than both Baron and Spoken. So I can help people increase their topical skills I suppose. Send me ONE piece a week and we'll work on it from there.
Heres my topical, I tried to do a different rhyme scheme in some of the bars, what do you think?
I don’t get it anymore, the world done change
Hip hops on a different scale, different range
Government telling us what we can’t write
New generation rappers take credit for shit they bite
Where the skilled emcees at? Keep hip hop alive
Back then they were rapping just to survive
It’s a business now, where the talent at?
I ain’t hating but how we got soulja boy at bat?
Hip hops all about who the best entrepreneur?
Just to sell a record the pain we gotta endure
Are we doing the right thing? Spike Lee
Got cops attacking, why they wanna fight me?
The youth right, who else is to blame?
Aren’t we the main reason rappers got fame?
Politicians blame, fuck it they all the same
I’m painting you a picture inside the frame
Chorus:
Hip Hop done change.. x1
Verse 2:
They rap about partying, money fame and bitches
When real rappers don’t care if they got a mil in riches
It’s the only time where we can let loose
Let emotions become the rhymes that we choose
Big L, Papoose, Biggie, 2pac,
Now they rhyming about the Jin they pop
The rap industry been altered since when we going to church
Before you say I’m wrong at least do some research
Change does come over time, I have to agree
But the rappers that produce lines, it’s nothing but debris
It’s like ’79 was a ship, crash landed into hell
Old rappers dipped, fake rappers overtook like a cancer cell
Hmm.
Rhymescheme's too simple, pitch in some more multies and a stronger ending rhyme on every line. Wording's okay, some spots seemed either forced or awkward. You've got that hood style, which if your wording and rhymescheme is good enough. Then that will not matter the slightest bit. You understand how to write, now it's just the matter of improving your writing skills. Read pieces by writers like Nahlidge, Engivale, Cry, Tim, myself, Bruklor and The Witness. (XM too, lol) And study, we all have different styles...some similiar to others. But any of our work will give you an idea of what I'm talking about.
What do you mean I got that hood style? Is that good or bad?
And word, I'll check some of their topicals out and should I post one here every week so you can check it out and see if I'm improving?
It's neither good or bad. It's just a style. And word, like I said. Post one in here every week and I'll keep working on it with you.
Ok, word, I'll try having one up tonight actually. I wanna practice.
Holding the nine, at some unlucky bastard
Just so I can dine, and get the money faster
This was my third victim, what have I become?
I never stared through the barrel of my gun
See I wasn't like this, but how could I be diverse?
No education, no job, just snatching a purse
And then worst case scenario, ending up in a hearse
Unlike those lucky kids, I was born on the pavement
Was homeless till 10, screaming "FUCK THIS enslavement"
And at nights I'd wonder, how long will I live?
Moms was six feet under, is it even possible to forgive?
At 13 I joined a gang, felt like my troubles were over
I just gotta bang, but then problems came back, was my life red rover?
The struggle started daily, cops was harassing
Nobody wanted to get caught, so crack was passing
Drugs were in my hands, and now I was being tested
Where were my so called "brothers" when I was arrested?
Spent five years in jail, came out at eighteen
Nobody thought of my bail, so now I'll be unseen
I carried knives, a nine, I just wanted revenge
On the ones who brought me into this, my life I'd avenge
Robbed people, shot a few, I didn't care
Because if I lost my life, then I think it's fair
On a cold morning, my door busted down
The noise of AK's and Uzi's heard all around
Shots in my chest, legs and my head
My bed, was covered in all red
Fuck this life, I didn't deserve any of this
Why me? I'd sit down at nights and reminisce
In the hood, it happens more then you think
People end up dead, bodies pile up every blink
i see you working on your rhymescheme. I was very impressed with the first bar. That seemed like a huge stepup. You had the multi in there, and the mutli-syllable rhyme at the end. I think that you should lengthen your lines a little. Put more words in each. Make sure it makes sense, but at the same time have more than one multi in there. And make sure to stay consistent. Don't just have one bar with multi and a dope ending rhyme and then the next couple be more simple than that one. To me, it looked like you were focusing on making the rhymescheme better with this piece. So! I only told you how to make that better, come back either next week or in a couple days with an updated piece and if I feel your rhymescheme further improved. Maybe I'll help you on another catagory in topical writing.
Alright, thanks, I'll try and have another one up. I appreciate the help.
no problem esse
Hey man. I'm not looking for help...I just want feedback. I'll get to you with some rhymes later though. Just wondering...Is this chatroom still going on...I mean is this old? Or are you still running this chatroom?
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You write some real shit, you get her. Do something...
I've just joined, sorry.
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You write some real shit, you get her. Do something...
Feedback? I don't recall offering that. :hosea:
Fine, you can crit it...If necessary...I'm only saving you the trouble. I just wanted to show you, what I could do...What I meant by feedback was...Tell me, where I'm going wrong...Then I can correct it, myself. By the way, I'm sorry...I'm new to this website but...If you are helping so many people. What makes you a 'veteran' or experienced lyricist or whatever?...Sorry, I'm just curious. Not being rude or anything :P. Thanks.
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You write some real shit, you get her. Do something...
Figurin' out, a unique rap style,
While, I'm judged by the people,
Via court trial, they say,
'You're just a child', I go home,
Pile of used paper in my drawer file,
Scrapped up, now, next try I'll,
Remember to learn, from my mistake,
Burn, not sync my pen in paper,
To earn, respect through other's perspective,
Use a stapler, for the finishing touches,
Can't wait, as much as,
You, to hear the facts, of my opinions,
Parents are minions, to hip hop cultures,
My lines of punches, not punch lines,
It's all me, God don't flash signs,
Believe that...
I'm too clever in whatever area,
Spare me the, opportunity to flaunt,
My ability, and haunt listeners,
taunt, misinterpreters,
proceed with this procedure,
From amateur, to a rank higher,
Sublime, professional,
Got to face that, still,
This game can help project,
How I feel, 'spill the beans',
As they say, I'm ashamed to say this,
A different way, play with words,
Using nouns, adjectives and verbs,
Each ingredient proved vital, herbs,
Read this, as my recital,
I'll fight 'til, I'm more or less dead...
And that's final.
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You write some real shit, you get her. Do something...
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