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Thread: In My Mind's Eye

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    In My Mind's Eye

    In my mind’s eye – Towns crumble as time dies
    Our contractual demise, signed by the whine of a child’s cry
    Blind, I pass the last of the dead, lumped in a heap
    And weep as they feast on the blood of the weak
    The beasts that come from within those with souls like paper, so thin
    Possessing their minds, with lines on how life’s greater with sin
    They want me, they must dine on the fruit of their lust, and so
    I’m hung from earth strings - the things that move this puppet show
    Trapped in a box, locks secure, I can’t die, but I can’t breathe
    Ripping apart my mind and my heart, trying to get free
    These scars connect me to the stars – I shine from afar
    Blinded from power, a kind designed to devour,
    Widows sweep their husbands ashes, children leaking blood from gashes
    Dull thuds of lashes, tears mix with rain, while my mind’s puddle splashes
    Each man is the same, unity is formed by misery
    For in death we’re all the same, our hate is long gone – it’s history
    But I’m not down with regretting, or forgetting all these cultures
    So throw me aside to die….I’m ready for the vultures
    They pick apart every little bit of art, that I store inside,
    My skin is tore as I lie on the floor and hope this storm subsides,

    I feel her fingertips fade away, as I try to grasp, but she floats,
    In to the horizon, past the last of the boats,
    The sun beating upon my back, I stare wistfully in to space,
    And feel her grace, as her face leaves all fear erased


    The bubble bursts, as we laugh at his saliva covered shirt,
    He tries to mumble words, but his mind just fumbles first,
    He cries, but he’s not hurt, eyes full of sobriety and faith
    And I know, until I die, I’ll try to keep him safe
    I’ll show him life is a game, so just left-click, and aim,
    Shoot down your problems, and I know I might seem insane,
    But always remember to keep your pace,
    Good things come to he who waits
    There’s nothing that you need to chase,
    Nothing in this life is achieved with haste,
    Please embrace, enjoy this world, and drink from its roots,
    Live in it, don’t just drop by and sing when it suits,
    It will be your companion, your teacher, and your lover,
    Love, hold, and cherish, and this life won’t bring you under,
    I watch as your eyes gleam, your hair shines, and your mind beams,
    I go to kiss you….But I get dragged away from this wild dream.

    In My Mind’s Eye.
    Last edited by Witty; December 23rd, 2009 at 08:42 PM

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  2. #2
    undone Bruklor's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    I reeeaaaaallly liked how yo wrapped it up. I mean, you kept talking about now being able to put 'happy' thoughts down, or speak in a positive tone, yet I thought it to be very uplifting. I say goodsirs! Seriously though, I was rather impressed by how much you did actually change the pitch of everything, and made a couple minutes go from bombs to tulips. =)

    Each man is the same, unity is formed by misery
    to
    Please embrace, enjoy this world, and drink from its roots,
    m
    ˈpɛr ˈse


    –noun

    by, of, for, or in itself; intrinsically.

  3. #3
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Last edited by Witty; December 24th, 2009 at 02:09 PM

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  4. #4
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    Annnnnnd....up!

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  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    Don't sleep on this.

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  6. #6

    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    It was fairly nice I must say. Id add more multis to make it more rhythmic. I have to agree with guy about the positivity. Its nice to see something positive and isn't a diss or a rap about girls, money and clothes. Or about some chav talking about what he is gonna do.

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  7. #7
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    ill drop,i liked your rhyme scheme,multis were nice,great concepts,that and your vocab really made the imagery shine in this piece..
    Quote Originally Posted by The Witness
    Widows sweep their husbands ashes, children leaking blood from gashes
    Dull thuds of lashes, tears mix with rain, while my mind’s puddle splashes
    i could quote mostly the entire thing but this specific bar stood out to me..i loved the imagery and vocab,metaphors..really everything about this i enjoyed..the paced seemed to slow a bit towards the end of the second verse but only a line or two..solid piece and enjoyable read..keep droppin dope.


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  8. #8
    Threat Level Midnight Tim's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    god i love you really....This was a really dope piece, i liked you started it off a little subtle and it snowballed into awesomeness. The raw emotion presented here was also nice and i liked how it flow perfectly from line to line. This is a piece that everyone can relate to from time to time and i also digged the history line about how we are here then gone and in those time it makes are history. So overal good piece and i am glad i got to read it yo.

  9. #9
    bobericc _Lyrics's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    whats good... at first i didn't know where you were going to take the topic, like a premonition state of mind.. but it was really realistic though, it was a crazy transition from a heavy destruction to light hearted write. didn't turn out how i thought it would, you got a way with imagery man, i think its the wording you used, you made it easy to see right through your minds eye. the emotion built up in the second verse, and the way you had ended it, felt like i woke up from the dream you were having. lol anyways it was a dope read for me.. hope to see you dropping some more fire soon...

  10. #10
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    Thank you kind sirs

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  11. #11
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    And up

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  12. #12
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    .........

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  13. #13
    Soule
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    dope as hell read. it's pathetic how badly pieces like this are getting slept on! the wording is almost perfectly placed. it's funny how identical our style is from you mentoring me in 2005 and 2006 to now. our rhymscheme and wordchoices are so close lmfao. you had some really dope imagery/storytelling going on in this read. some solid emotion too dude. i also love how you wrapped the entire piece up. keep writing... easily hall of fame.

  14. #14
    You've Earned a Custom Title! BrainCells!'s Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    Fuckin good I really liked your ending man. More of the same keep it up!

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  15. #15
    Newbie R.T. Pullo's Avatar
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    Re: In My Mind's Eye

    Great vocab, lacks multis for my liking, but the ones you have used are very well done. Shows lots of emotion, I could improve a lot of my game learning from this sort of stuff.

    It will be your companion, your teacher, and your lover,
    Love, hold, and cherish, and this life won’t bring you under,
    I watch as your eyes gleam, your hair shines, and your mind beams,
    I go to kiss you….But I get dragged away from this wild dream.
    So dope man, you finished near perfectly. The emotion in it is frightenly impressive. Great piece bro, will be sure to check out your other stuff.

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