Mahara

[fireguy770]

Merry Christmas Mahara, you make it hard to be a breather
Your beauty takes my breath away, you have conquer
Me, I can’t do anything to harm you, you have clutter
Up my head with thoughts of you, nothing can be crueler
Then the distance between us, this must seem quite random
You just scattered my thoughts, I’m so close to saying um..
But I have been on stage for a while so I can talk, barely
It’s just that your beauty is un paralleled, how can u be
Like it must defy laws of physics, but I am so glad I can see
And I am not blind cause I would miss such beauty as yours
I had different Ideas of what I should get you, the amount of stores
You should have seen I was running around franticly
Searching for the right gift, my major problem was the fee
I don’t have that much money, if I could have spent more money
And bought you the most expensive gift I could find, it would sparkle
You’re just so perfect, I hope you like what I got you it’s almost as special
As you, I don’t think you could be any better then you, you’re better
Looking then any famous chick, I am just so happy that I am the sir
That you fancy, I don’t think any one person could be nicer
Looking than you, some people say Megan Fox is the hottest
But no, I would do anything to have you over her; you’re on the top of my list
Of the hottest girls ever, above Angelina Joley, Brittany Spears, Jessica Simpson
Hanging out with you is way more fun, I am trying to think of a nice pun
But you’re on my mind, very distracting I might add, I don’t think I can
I am just sitting here waiting for that big old plane to lan’
I am defiantly your biggest fan

[fireguy770]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...146/index.html

[fireguy770]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...163/index.html

[UnRisenn]

... ok i guess i'll be the 1st.....

Um..... im not sure what you want to know homie.... i can tell you made this with a purpose..... you made this with a subject in mind......... so in that sense.... well done..... i can tell you got some shit off ya chest.... but if you want me to tell you something about it in a lyrical sense..... i aint got much to tell ya.... Rap Lyrical wise..... Family you gotta figure out ya rhyme sceme... You got ya idea.... what you want to say but you have to build it around ya rhyme sceme.... it felt like you was throwen words together and just hoped they rhymed.... no offense homie but in the lyrical scense it could have used alot of work... i know it meant alot to you though thats why i give this mad props.....Much respect

[fireguy770]

thanks man i am thinking of trying out a rhyme scheme like this
A
B
B
B
A
C
C
C
A
etc.
how do u think that would do

[Raww-B]

i dont think that would work. i'll keep feeding soon, gtg

[GLOBAL]

Merry Christmas Mahara, you make it hard to be a breather
Your beauty takes my breath away, you have conquer

Dont the 2 lines mean the same thing? Seems like you just had nothing to put before "you have conquer"(which is btw "conquered"), which you also put cause you had nothing to rhyme with breather

Stop being lazy man.

Me, I can’t do anything to harm you, you have clutter
Up my head with thoughts of you, nothing can be crueler

Man, stop doing half lines and actually try to find words that rhyme. It fucks up your flow.

Then the distance between us, this must seem quite random
You just scattered my thoughts, I’m so close to saying um..

Ill stop here cause the rest of your text contains the same problems.

I feel like this is more of a str8-up letter rather than a rap. You didnt really use any proceeding or technique, which is cute but is really just that...

Also your rhyming was extremely lazy, it wouldn't surprise me if you didn't check any line more than once.

You have a lot of work to do, just keep working. Read around the forum and dont be scared to PM for questions.

[Raww-B]

okay, so i dont think that rhyme scheme would work.
go back to a basic
A
A
B
B
until you get your rhyming down, and flow.
then you can mix in a
A
B
B
A
or whatever you want.
this piece was probably one of your worst. i liked some of your other work 100times more. this just seems like you needed to post, and you did. but hey, dont check my work, my recent wasnt my beast either. it's alright, just make sure your lines rhyme!
-Big rob!