Noob seeks help (raunchy sample rap)

[StL Punk]

I'm throwin' punches in bunches, bringin' da heat like a sauna
If I connect with a flurry, I'll leave your face like Rihanna
But I'm not all violent; I can make us both steam
As I ride the top bunk, bucking to your muffled scream
Some think I'm perverted, some think that I'm rude
But meet me in person, and I'll rotate that mood
Because face-to-face, nobody'z a hatta
Girls are magnets, I'm the refrigerata

I'd like to hear any criticism in my writing-style, as well as if you believe I can compete decently in text battles, and/or 1-2 punch-offs. Be honest and straight foward. I want to improve.

Please, and thank you.

[KiiD ExClusiivE]

I love it! but im new and I cant help you with text battles but I was just rapping this,,It would sound nice with audio if you can pull through with the flow,,this isnt really a diss though (which wont help you in battles) its sorta like A "floss style rap" my style

[StL Punk]

Thanks man. I know this rap wasn't directed as an attack/diss, but is just a sample of my style.

Any other comments please?

[The Nav Man™]

You gotta be more creative tho homie. Ima re-write your first line for example using the same concept.
I'm throwin' punches in bunches, bringin' da heat like a sauna
If I connect with a flurry, I'll leave your face like Rihanna

Launchin jabs at you kids, got heat wit me like a sauna,
Punches connectin to ya grill leavin dudes mug like Rihanna.
Although the whole Rihanna shit is totally played, I did my best. Hope it helped

[StL Punk]

Not to critic your feedback, because I'm truly appreciative that you left me some, but I do have a general question.

So is getting more in depth and complicating it up always better then keeping it simple? I understand the blandness factor, but do I want to bust out bars that make people think before they laugh? Or do you mean just mix up the volcabulary a bit?

[KiiD ExClusiivE]

well sometimes complicating it doesnt work,, maybe over the internet but not always in person is that the case.. Me and my friend have 2 different types of flowin,,hes strictly battle and i admit I think he is better then me he has punches for days,but most spectators (non rappers) who are unaware of rapping vocab didnt understand it and therefore didnt get the common ground support. All im saying is on this website yes I guess it is best to be complicated but if you are planning on making a career of it or just rapping for spectators in life,, then I wouldnt advise doing that

[StL Punk]

^ Hmm, interesting comment. Anyone else agree/disagree?

[Novac]

You're style is very "online text battle", but that may be the sound you're going for. My advice only on text battling and style involved has so much credential backing it, as I haven't/don't care much about or for text battles, and as a verse in and of itself - I wasn't feeling it. There are a few recent posts that contain very good advice from veteran battlers on this site - I would recommend finding and reading these.

Based off this verse and the fact that you are seemingly new to this I would say you definitely have some potential.

[Bringerof420]

Tips from ppl will not improve your rap skills at all..experience will

[Novac]

Tips from ppl will not improve your rap skills at all..experience will

Says the man who joined today with less than 10 posts who's minimal post is likely made with the sole intention of increasing his post count by 1.

Mentors, to any degree, will help you and should be sought after. There are always going to be certain things that you must experience yourself to truly understand and appreciate, but this should not discourage you from seeking advice and direction from those who have already gone through it. It would only be to your detriment to close yourself off and choose not to accept advice.

[Bringerof420]

Says the man who joined today with less than 10 posts who's minimal post is likely made with the sole intention of increasing his post count by 1.

Mentors, to any degree, will help you and should be sought after. There are always going to be certain things that you must experience yourself to truly understand and appreciate, but this should not discourage you from seeking advice and direction from those who have already gone through it. It would only be to your detriment to close yourself off and choose not to accept advice.

^ this kat needs a ...:hosea2:

[Novac]

ROFL wow that's awesome. Like, saying I need a spanking... dude like, 'cause kids get it when they are, like, bad and stuff when they are kids that get it. You are the awesome man and so original in your comedy.

Guys, with jokes as innovative as this I think we may have an Andy Kaufman on our hands. I hope he stays for more than a few days.

[StL Punk]

Family Guy references ftw.

Thanks for the help guys. Much love.

[.Bullet.]

Go to the text terrain, you will elevate alot from there.

[J Allyn]

that as pretty good. Some really strong and some not consistant. i really like this bar:
some think im PERVERTED, Some thing that im RUDE/
But meet me in PERSON, and i'll rotate that MOOD/
see thats sick and i love the flow because of the rhyme sound in perverted and person and then later in that bar again of rude and mood. unother than that you rhymes are mainly just lacking multisyllabols. im not trying to sound proffesional here just a simple example of what i mean: ...blue red,...whos dead, ...blum pow, ...ya done now/
that was just a minor example of multisyllabols. let me know if you agree