Where the Heart Bleeds.

[Engivale]

Not a bad piece but felt a little disjointed. I get what you're saying, that you're basically talking about how you pour yourself onto paper from your pen and I think anyone can understand that feeling... but sometimes you get a little too metaphorical in this piece, eh? The rhymescheme sometimes had the ability to be pretty good and rhythmic:

Before the hour of my timely death my energy will be washed in the waves,
the soft shore saves the white wash and the tide in which the sand craves

But then in other parts it would just seem to run on in aimlessly into rhymes that seemed ill-placed for the sense of rhythm:

I train my thoughts to draw out the readers wildest dreams
and although the emotion streams out of me it redeems
the elegance of raw belief and leaves you in metaphoric screams.

I still think there is a writer behind this piece, but not a polished one. Keep scribbling, it will start to come together, you've got a vocabulary and a creative mind. Just need to refine it from the rawness.

Keep writing.

[Messiah.]

Thanks buddy, this wasn't a piece i put all my effort into but advise taen on board.

[Mr. Black]

ive read a lot of pieces on the actual form of "writing" and what it embodies, how it can take ahold of your mind. pac said it best when he said "i feel his hand on my brain when i write rhymes, i go blind" .. paths of thought are sometimes like living things .. you kinda twisted that up and made it internal and sort of other wordly. shit was fun to read

I retain my composure and only the words remain.

nice. whats on the page is really the residue of the act itself ..

My stories are legendary; my poetry pickles pedantic people

alliteration. ha

because I hold nothing back from my mind right to the inky steeple
I train my thoughts to draw out the readers wildest dreams

dope

I arrive at most truths through the craziest fathoms of the mind
as when I right I am blind to my surroundings and to being I find
that I bind myself to the thin cloth combines with the ink intertwined,
then hide the truth behind that metaphor with words too refined.

there are common words being re used and thats fine .. it re en forces the concept and message in this case .. coo shit

Before the hour of my timely death my energy will be washed in the waves,
the soft shore saves the white wash and the tide in which the sand craves
for years have brought my words into a reality and out of abnormality
as I just tried to keep my mentality sane and then riddled it with hospitality.

liked this part particularly. end of a trip, calm peaceful mindstate.

keep doin it

1

[Raww-B]

great poetry, by that i mean vocab.
flowed so smoothly...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...595/index.html

[Messiah.]

Thanks for the feed Blacketh, I'm not feeding you robbie sorry.

[mattym]

good read flowed well keep it up

[thatKidB]

thought it was good. the vocab wasn't too big for my simple mind. flowed well for the most part. liked the emotion you put in this rhyme. had a nice poetic feel. and to me, the beginning was the best to me. just opened my mind to the rest. 8/10