December’s Snow

[Tim]

December’s snow

A second of darkness lies within each blinking eye
with the vision's in ties with the future's living disguise
Outline this dripping dotted line, Her silhouette on each arm
Out shined by the winds chimes, too intimate to feel harm
Laid to rest on a single cloud in this burning black sky
Expressed through breaths, emotions fly and from ashes rise
I’m swimming in cries, as help denies instincts implied
While sinking in lies, it's not a world, we just visiting life
cause friction's our pride...going head to head with truth
The reason my actions spreads its use, and sheds the abuse
And I've cheated you out I cry for your happy journey
cause I hurdle joy for anger & keep the laughing buried
A smile less child, wings tattered and her voice seem's lost
Walked and thought for miles, dreams shattered after we fought
Tears of joy soak my withered cheeks, still they ache to grin
Hear the noise, pages begin to speak while I race the pen
Her shadow's behind me, holding the sky above my burining corpse
Scars remind me, of the guy in love..... dead with no remorse
See the horizon in flames, each ray dances across the sky's canvas
Screams silenced in blame, seek change after thoughts managed
Behind my worn steps my halo is drug through the dirt
Is the weather warm yet? Headaches and my jaw still hurts
After I've fallen off and my tempers flame is blown out, my fate is true
Walking lost, beneath December’s snow, above the clouds after i raped you

[Tim]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...646/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...973/index.html

[Soule]

This was absolute dopeness dude. The wording was really slick, and I enjoyed the storyline quite a bit. It reminded me of the scene on 'Crash' when he finds his brother dead on the side of the road. Real vivid. The imagery in this piece was over the fucking hook dude. So descriptive, I loved it. The emotion was dead on man. This piece was fucking sick, we really need to collaborate homie.


Dopest lines in my opinion....

And I've cheated you out I cry for your happy journey
cause I hurdle joy for anger & keep the laughing buried
A smile less child, wings tattered and her voice seem's lost
Walked and thought for miles, dreams shattered after we fought
Tears of joy soak my withered cheeks, still they ache to grin
Hear the noise, pages begin to speak while I race the pen

[Tim]

uppin

leave links and ill give sexy feedback

[sILLable]

i dont know how i missed this piece...ill piece,concept was sick,you had such great imagery and emotion,and you didnt sacrifice rhymes for any of it,you still jhad great multis and wordplay,nice metas,i honestly thought the very last line was stretched a little,but it still pulled the piece together for a worthy ending,actually a disturbing end and leaves you feeling void,i guess putting you in the shoes of the victim with out having alot of connection to the victim seeing as it was more about the assailant,a really solid piece and an enjoyable read of course..hit up my piece when you get a chance http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...85#post7404985 .keep droppin dope.~1~

[Bruklor]

You did such a great job throughout the entire piece, making the reader understand, and feel... but I think you let the last two lines slip a little bit, comparatively speaking to the rest of the piece. There is so many single lines in this piece with either great imagery, or soul... but the last two, where you wound everything up seemed to lack the 'gut' feeling that everything else had.

Read your first two lines, and then read your last line. I really think you could have done just a little bit more for those two last lines to make this exceptional. It was great, overall though.