Damz - Reasons

[Damz]

The time ticks and falls into depression,
They draw the line with chalk and ask questions,
Immolated by arsen in a panic state,
Everything happens for a reason this the fate,
For god's sake, It was said to take, to wipe the slate,
We salvage what we got, No time for waste,
Its urgent, So eat everything thats put on the plate,
Running from pain, Coming home late,
You seem to despise yourself for the immense hate,
You wish this horror story was a dream and you could awake,
But don't lie to yourself, This isn't fake,
He's had dreams of drowning and being found in the lake,
I lost everything, Therefore there isnt nothing to take,
Worrying about nothing as nothings at stake,
Slither through this shit as im the snake,
Im too poor for real drugs so I huff paint,
But i still hear gods voice saying im his saint,

[A. Diction]

I'm not really feeling this dude, after the second line every line had the same rhyme. That's very elementary and basic...you need to add some wit and thought into your piece. Plus, I felt like you were just putting words in there not to tell a story or get a point across but just to have something that half assed made since with your rhyming word lol...Also, you need to try using some multis and internals, metaphors and similies, like I said, Wit and Intelligence.

[EliXiR]

I gotta agree wit King. You gotta try to create some imagery so the person readin can develop a picture in their head. Rhymin words together can be done without thought but makin your audience think is ultimately the result you want. Hope to hear another piece dude real soon. Peace

[Damz]

Well, this was written within a matter of minutes, like.
Freestyle on here. But thank you for the feed, See thats my problem.
Is i really dont know how to paint imagery i ask for help everywhere and no one will give it to me.

[A. Diction]

well It's quite simple to paint a picture with words dude, it's not hard to have imagery...you just tell the story with what all is involved and going on with details and information and descriptions. Go read some other people's pieces, that should help you get an idea.

And take more time than minutes to write your pieces, you got to actually put some thought into them, cause if you keep dropping quick keystyles like this eventually nobody is gonna read you drops.

[Damz]

Alright thank you. Ill be working on something and hope you can say i improve