Wordplay, And Imagery.

[Damz]

MY problem is i have only been spitting for about a year, and about the only thing that has even mattered was the last three months.
Well I want to be a master of wordplay and imagery,
I took it upon myself, to rent some Edgar Allan Poe books.
He relates the most of my style, he's my idol.
Well Here is my latest Verse/Poem. Please tell me what you think

Please take note this is more poetry.


A story of dark and vivid Ghaunt,
A lost boy with no meaning,
Stolen by memories and past of haunts,
Struck with intricate Feaning,

Chained and left alone,
The sounds of rings in his ear,
But allegedly he won't answer the phone,
The screams are vivid loud n clear,
He see's a daunt name with a tombstone,

He precludes no impunity,
With Connoisseurship to impose the community,
Completing retribution as the sun rise,
Recoiling because the immolation in his eyes,

[Spoken Deity]

First, don't talk about your intelligence and come in defending yourself. I don't want to help someone who oozes arrogance right off the bat. If your poetry sucks, then your poetry sucks... if you need critique, then you need critique. Your intelligence and IQ have nothing to do with the thing.

First, your language is inconsistent. Dont attempt to use huge words to impress people. Also, when you're starting, dont write in meter. Work on just writing man. Get what emotions are bubbling up and just write them down.
Now, whats also big is continuity. If you want to engage with abstract images and ideas that don't make sense to the reader, I'd say do it...but do it consistently. However, if you're working on just writing, then just write.

pz

[Damz]

Thank you. I'm glad you said that. Writing it I didnt notice my arrogance.
Im in need of help because music and poetry are my passion.
I've had so much tramatization that really when i sit down and right,
I feel numb, I dont know how to open up because really i never could. I've just bottled everything up.

[Spoken Deity]

yeah, I dont know what to tell you about your psychological insecurities and traumatic experiences.

But I know that if you can't be honest with yourself, then your writing will eventually be boring to you and the reader.

So just write man... put on some depressing music, focus on your shit and write.

[PakTraxx *Beats*]

it feels like you were trying to use big words to impress i agree. but your poem seemed to be to short and didnt realy elaborate or get the meaning/expression across. It seemed to be just incomplete for some reason. try to really get your message across with more than just words! really express your feelings in your words and get real emotion behind them!

[Baron Mynd]

Right. These guys seemed to have focused on that one aspect, so I wont repeat what has been said, but I'll try to give you some honest feedback.

I noticed you started the opening two lines with 'A'. Nothing wrong with that specifically, but seeing that repetition done so early on immediatly made me think you could have used another word here, or switched up the second to follow on from the first better.

I liked the fact you noted the rhyme scheme and attempted it, but these guys are right on you not trying for meter too early on. The third line you used just had far too many syllables in comparison to the first and it made the third line seem ridiculously long. As a general rule I try to use 12-16 syllables a line but you will find what works best for you as you write more, trial and error, and theres nothing wrong with that.

'The sounds of rings' in his ear sounds worded strangely. Surely a ringing sound would bring the correct image to mind straight away, which I'm guessing is the effect you want as the piece is so short, but that second line really needs re-working here. Alone it's confusing, as there is no build up to hint at such an object or noise, and while it works in relation to the third line - After reading the second I can imagine some readers will pause and re-read it over before moving on thinking they have missed something. Also by this point what came to me as an idea is you should take us through each of the five senses. Tell us exactly what your lead character sees, hears, smells etc and really build up this scene. This is what your imagery is lacking right now IMO but can be corrected given time and thought.

'Sun rise' needs to become 'sun rises' or 'sun rose'. You really went for vocab in this final stanza but it wasnt all entirely needed. Your final line is lacking the word 'of' from it, but again that's something fixed easily. I'm not entirely sure why you would like to learn wordplay if this is the style of writing that interests you, but hopefully this helps in some small part imagery wise.

[Damz]

Thanks for some honest feed, this was jotted up very quickly,
Also was one of my first poems, i'm more of an artist but I figure writing poetry will
help me learn how to use imagery and wordplay in my rhymes

[Baron Mynd]

I'm still unsure as to why you want to use wordplay in your pieces? If this is the style of writing you're looking at doing, you really dont need to use wordplay, though I'm sure there are battle tutorials up which could help you with that if you insist upon it?

I'm a Poe fan too, I own the complete tales and poems of Edgar Allen Poe which has everything from his amateur poetry works to the balloon hoax article he submitted to the local newspaper which they printed. Some of the best advice I can give you is to get descriptive, and actually show your reader what is happening rather than tell them what is happening. Let them get a good visual image in their heads of the lead character or the event transpiring, it's important you establish this lead early on so that by the time the twist or mishap takes place - The reader has almost a sense of wanting them to pull through and survive it. This is no mean feat, it may sound easy while in here, but a lot of the tools used are learned over time. You will need to just write, experiment, look at what works and what doesnt from the feedback you receive and from that try composing something that can tie-in the majority of those.

Maybe try concentrating on one thing at a time, you know? Dont get ahead of yourself. For your next piece - Forget about the meter. Stick to a strictly A-B rhyme scheme. Forget about the vocabulary used and try keeping it as natural sounding as possible. Then concentrate entirely on imagery for this one piece. Describe the room you're in at that very second. What you see, hear, smell, feel, think etc - and just jot it down. But really concentrate on what you're putting down, keep the piece relatively short with just sixteen lines or so, this will then make you critical of each line and assure you cut out any filler to only give us the most essential details you can. The fewer lines you can set the scene in the better.

Good luck!

[Damz]

Thanks man, someone who actually helps, Yes!.
I'm readin poe right now. Same book.
I am in school as of now, but In 3rd period ill write and see what i can doo.

[Seraphym]

I would also suggest u diversify ur readings. Edgar Allen Poe read and drew inspiration from other writers and u should, too. U don't always have to be in depressed mood to write the most powerful poems. Just say what's in ur heart. As far as wordplay, metaphors, and creativity are concerned that just comes with time and plenty of practice. U already have the potential. Use ur deep well of emotions to imagine up ur poetry, and I cannot stress enough the u read from other writers other than Poe. It will help sharpen and shape ur own identity as a write as it did for Poe. Let me know if I can help any further.

good luck

[Damz]

Thank you, Ill be glad to ask if needed