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Thread: Last Breath

  1. #1
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    Last Breath

    Thy last escapes with creeps and groans
    As the tomb is dug to burry my bones
    My Reaper comes what’s lived is done
    But nature still strives do I fight or run
    The answer taken by the slash of his seighe.
    My fear still growing as time still rolls bye
    No time to repent for my cup running dry
    For the first glimpse is given to my souls eye

    My fathers in shock not understanding his grieving
    My mothers been weeping for my soul is now leaving

    My choice is since made,
    My toll is unpaid,
    No swaying God’s decision
    Since what’s written
    His decision is made
    Last edited by Flipped; November 19th, 2009 at 05:40 PM Reason: first shared poem, lookn for others thoughts of my style

  2. #2
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    Re: Last Breath

    well, honestly i think u should listen 2 more hip hop, as well as read mo poetry. not 2 diss u or nuffin but since u totally got me lost on exactly wut ur poem is about. u also said ur lookn 4 other thoughts of ur style n u should just keep practicing. if poetry n rappin is ur passion stay dedicated, but if u just do it 4 fun, then its w/e. but chyea. keep consistent n u will learn wit gud feedback.

  3. #3
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    Re: Last Breath

    Yeah, beat per measure jumps 3x's in 15 lines.... thanks for the incouragement bc I see a crazy power curve Im headed in to

  4. #4
    He Has Risen! Raptor Jesus's Avatar
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    Re: Last Breath

    wtf the poems obviously about dying.

    I like it, maybe its just because I have a fascination with the morbid but I enjoyed it. It could've been a little more descriptive and concise, it was kind of all over the place. Keep writing.

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  5. #5
    Halleluja Soul Slayer's Avatar
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    Re: Last Breath

    You need to leave your views on two other pieces and have the links up. The sforum is pretty inactive and other writers need feed ack. Only then can i give you proper critisism on this piece

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