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Thread: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

  1. #1

    Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    Scene Of The Mind
    Adela The Resalah & GodOfWar

    [Narrator]
    Dispatch *Crackle*
    I've just arrived at the scene and it seems to be deserted...
    Oh, wait...
    There seems to be two people walking towards the scene
    from either side of the street...
    One has just approached me first,
    Lets hear his side of the story...


    [Adela The Resalah]
    I knew a kid born into a broken home of alcoholics.
    But the house itself was fine so that's not what they would call it.
    Take a look inside they're wallet, it's empty as their souls.
    Warm hearts grow cold and infants never grow old.
    He would hear the criminals stories, growing older he knew,
    All advice and every word he ever heard was untrue.
    He had two ears and no voice, seen as Alec from his mouth.
    He had two eyes as well, only to squint when they would shout.
    The fiends around him stole his things until he had nothing left.
    And when he checked, all he had to the left was a desk.
    He would write down all his thoughts and keep them safe in a box.
    But the constant ruckus ate at him with sirens and cops.
    It calmed him sleeping to the whistles but ironically enough,
    That same noise would eventually leave him wrongfully in cuffs.
    He learned that anyone looked upon as an authority to crime,
    Would, In the long run, help themselves and waste his precious time.
    He had a genuine mind, one on a track, that followed none.
    He'd watch others cheat and finish when he'd only just begun.
    Despite who he grew up around, he made the choice alone
    Irony made him dangerous, with a voice of his own.
    He slept next to guns, fiends would fight out in the halls.
    He knew more than monsters rested beneath his walls.
    They would pack their things a lot, but the fiends would always follow.
    'Cause their souls were always hollow, check the pride he'd have to swallow.
    Although the sun brought a day guaranteed with lust.
    He would meet the new faces and cringe in disgust.
    He'd get beat on and threatened so he'd eat his lunch alone.
    The bell sounded end of days with no comfort at home.
    So that day he walked home, alone in the rain.
    The tracks he had to cross were left bearing a train.
    The cheating fiend took a short cut, whistling by.
    And the kid died that day, no one ever cared why.


    [Narrator]
    Okay, now there's always a second side to every story...
    What's yours?


    [GodOfWar]
    I know this kid who was born in a house of hopelessness.
    Where cocaine reigned and love was an unopened gift.
    His parents smoked in shifts, one was always at the window.
    So when he had questions for progression, they always lacked the info.
    He didn't have Nintendo, and his clothes was torn n' used.
    One day he was put in the back of a pinto, it was just before noon.
    They left him in a storage booth, after three days he was starving.
    So he went searching for food, and ended up at a ladies apartment.
    He's on his way ta darkness, stuck inside of a foster house.
    Hangin' wit the older kids, ready to let the monster out.
    Constant helicopter sounds, sirens in the distance.
    He couldn't sleep, without noise, no brighter side in the mist it's,
    A misfit, he wanted to rebel so his choice of fire is resistance
    Then in an instant, he had a choice to change shit.
    N' he hit the ground runnin' so hard, he destroyed the pavement.
    A delivery boy for the game is not what he dreamed to be.
    But for now it worked, 'cause he had dreams to reach.
    N' he adapted so easily, he thought it was perfect.
    Compared to a bible salesman, he always had a shop in service.
    Lost in the circus, he didn't think he needed an eye open.
    Till' they circled his car, all armed, his hands in the sky frozen.
    Thoughts of suicide growin', as he sat in the jail.
    Then the prosecution was ruthless n' gave him 3 years trapped in a cell.
    That was hell, n' though the story opened with hopelessness.
    As he was freed, he seen the world through eyes he never focused with.

    [Narrator]
    Hmm, It's strange but...
    In this case it seems both sides seem to be true...
    Tape up the scene, It will need to be investigated
    further for more clues.
    Your both free to go now but to see if your stories still match up...
    We will meet again...

    Last edited by Cody Nash; December 2nd, 2009 at 02:37 AM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Psyence dreaming_awake's Avatar
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    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    I agree with YDK about the audio man, this shit would sound sick as fuck...I just kept hearin it in my head while I was reading.

    Only problem I have is that I didn't really like the brief narrations. In some pieces they work well, but it kinda seemed a little out of place in this one...even though it presented the concept it just didn't seem quite right for some reason.


    I dug both verses pretty equally honestly. The first verse kinda sounded like telling a story more from his own perspective though and using the classic "I've got a friend who...", even though that wasn't the case in the story. I just felt it was a lot more personal. Second verse was a lot more intense I think. Just the wording seemed to drive it a lot more than the first one.

    Good collab dudes, and Adela I hope to read some more of your stuff soon dude this was tight.
    [YOUTUBE]U8N7azlkGDY[/YOUTUBE]

  4. #4

    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    Thanks guys, We appreciate the feed.
    Any more?

  5. #5
    Godwasheeeeeeeeeeeeere
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    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    upptitty jones

  6. #6
    I'm On Everything Brandon Cee's Avatar
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    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    Adela - Welcome to Rapbattles. Always enjoy new kids writing realness and expressing emotionally and lyrically as well as you did, especially for a first go at it, at least to my knowledge. You've got a slick style, I can really tell you're working more towards the audio side of rap over the written, which is great. One thing I will say though, in the beginning, write to beats as much as possible. It will help keep a flow in audio and also, written works. It's just a tip, take it or leave it. I think you've got skills man, you should really keep writing. Some really sick lines from you, but mostly seemed like they needed tweaking. It's always best to bring out some of the lines with metaphors, like you've done here, but make them connect on a level everyone can relate to. Some wording issues here and there because you were only using one or two syllable rhyming, which is something many newer heads do - just work on those few things and you'll be there. Good shit.

    GoW - You did your thing too. One thing that gets me with you is some of your multi-syllable rhymes at the end of your lines seem to actually be kinda off. For example, in this part:

    He didn't have Nintendo, and his clothes was torn n' used.
    One day he was put in the back of a pinto, it was just before noon.
    Now, right here in this quote, you have "torn n used" and "before noon" and they both have the same amount of syllables, but the rhymes don't match up. See, "torn" should rhyme with "fore"...but here you're making it count on time with "be" and that's what throws me off as the reader and makes the scheme seem kinda rough, feel me? A few more examples of that in here, but as a whole, you ripped this up pretty good man. The first 2 lines were clean and really rich with meaning...you know I love that type of shit. Good shit from you as well my dude.

    This was a pretty solid collab. Keep doing your thing guys.
    Legendary Song - Winter Snow



  7. #7
    Rap Is Alive Keeby Swaggz's Avatar
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    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    this some dope shit... first verse told a good story, strong narrative with good description... flow was straight, good multies here and there... the second verse I liked a little more, just 'cause it was more grimy... also, GOW seems just a bit more seasoned and a little more depth in his writing... both y'all complimented each other well... this was good...


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  8. #8
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    i aint dodgin ya GoW i caught it...ill collab,you both came pretty solid,adela ive never read anything of yours but this was dope,nice rhyme scheme,good multis,structure was nice,your verse did seem a little more personal,some nice emotion,emotion didnt lack with your use of multis and wordplay,i liked the verse for sure

    GoW your verse was complete shit..............................no im fuckin with you.i dug your verse,you had real nice multis and rhyme scheme as well,both of you didnt have the most advanced vocab in this but the piece didnt need it,your vocab wasnt lacking but it wasnt very complex,flowed smoothly,i liked how yall both started off similiar,i also feel the narrative wasnt the best,it played the plot along but it could have been polished a little..i dont know just my opinion,all in all i liked this verse though,and together yall meshed pretty well,yalls style seems similar just your content varies..all in all ill piece from both of you,be lookin for more from yall for sure..keep droppin for sure..if you aint hit up my new piece check it..its in the sig yo


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  9. #9
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
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    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    adela - ur storytelling was on point, i could follow the pictures you were painting easily... the opening couplet and closing line were well worded and stuck in my head... as a criticism however i would say that most of the meat of ur piece flowed along smoothly enough, but nothing really stood out with ill wording, or a nice rhyme (the scheme was simpler mostly) etc... i know in the end those are gimmicks in a way, and maybe you'd rather focus on conveying your story as clearly as possible... but those techniques also make more synapses fire off in ur reader's brains... and the more that happens, the more they'll remember your work

    god of war - i was digging the 'smoked in shifts' and 'monster out' lines - consistent multis flowed smoothly for the most part - one line that felt unpolished tho was the 'just before noon'... it disrupted the flow of ideas, just the way it's worded feels tacked on... it's like when someone is telling a story and then they stop to describe some little detail about the setting (let's see... that was in 76... or was it 75? nah, it was 76) and the listeners are thinking, just tell the story already - but ur storytelling was spot on too - even a bit more impressive given the way you mixed ur rhymes with it

    the concept for you two was interesting as well - nice work - keep at it, pz
    Last edited by SMZ; November 14th, 2009 at 08:38 PM

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    I'm dead.


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    Hence Forward

  10. #10
    do you know this dope? Alyse Miller's Avatar
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    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    man this was real solid. adela i dont know you but this was a great way to come on to the site welcome! but you was very strong throughout ya verse very creative an good emotion! god i liked how you carried it to the end an kept the ball rolling! as always great detail in your lines loved your last line for some reason but great collab very solid


    RTF please =]
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...986/index.html
    OKC

  11. #11

    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    Thanks for the feed, will return soon.

  12. #12
    Soule
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    Re: Scene Of The Mind [Adela & GodOfWar]

    You know, the Hall of Fame could use some fresh inductions. So I'm going to nominate this piece. Adela, you need to join Meta'Convicts brother. I could teach you so much seeing as we've both got a similiar style as far as telling a dope story is concerned. You came really dope in this piece. Some great imagery, okay wording and smooth flow. G0W did his thing too. Came dope with multies and a sly rhymescheme. This story tell was really good. I enjoyed it a lot. Keep writing guys, we need to collab sometime. Just hit me up if your interested.

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