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Thread: The Ferris Wheel

  1. #1
    Splash Bandicoot Essen's Avatar
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    The Ferris Wheel

    I hate making little explanations, but for this piece I think it is necessary. This is only Car 1 of a Ferris Wheel, I am hoping to have other cars, each having different characters with different stories in the future.. anyway, thanks for reading.

    Car One – The Ferris Wheel (Time’s Form Of Public Transportation)

    A circular windmill, whose eyes light at the sight of dark
    Ignite a spark, over the fright right, under the heart,
    Unite the apart, and gather up the kids in the sand
    Expand a hand, grab and hurry, travel’s high in demand.
    Cars become filled with foreigners, fanatics, and fortunes
    Bored kids, addicts, pleasures, pains, ‘nigmatics, and sore sins
    Drawn together, illustrating how anticipation would look
    If exhilaration, agitation, tension were shown in a book,
    So clone the looks, to savior the potent feelings to feel,
    As the first car makes its way down the Ferris Wheel.

    The stars walk down the red sunset, and arrive at their seats.
    Contrive and greet, as they wait for Mother Nature to speak,
    She explains the shape of a heart can outline many forms.
    From shrines to thorns, with every truth, a lie is born.


    They try to adorn the setting of the couple beneath,
    One’s in tears, the other just wants to hear himself speak.
    Love’s lacking physique. There was once an incredible mystique,
    A connection, an affection they coulda sworn was unique.
    Started out a friendship, both wanting something more,
    And quickly evolved, into a fervor that was tough to ignore,
    Feelings to explore, the imperfections they began to adore,
    Began to implore, that once set sail, it wouldn’t go offshore
    But when it rained it poured. She said “I love you” without any disguise,
    He’s caught by surprise, just holds her close without any reply.
    She starts to cry, tears tumble, respectfully await sir-prise
    Causes it’s amazing how much she sees, as she closes her eyes.

    The leaves position themselves to waltz, the gust takes a deep breath
    While the Milky Way escorts the sun to its momentary death,
    The stars shadow the sky, and await their time to brighten,
    Frightened by the scene below, they patiently wait to lighten.


    She opens them to find his eyes stalking the sky’s blunders,
    Well if he’s into the sky so much, let him ask for her number!
    She wonders, why the silence surrounding has become so loud,
    And what is so special about the sky? The stars? The Clouds?
    He finally turns and wants to say every little thing in his mind,
    From driving him to highways of insanity, but that she’s one of a kind,
    He opts to say nothing, instead he points far away and high,
    Hoping that’ll point out everything he means and implies
    Her eyes gradually rise in a persistent crescendo,
    He asks “what’s missing up there?”, an existent innuendo
    An epiphany appears, as she and irony begin to engage
    ‘Cause she notices there’s no light shining up on the sky’s stage,
    Arms engage, as the Ferris Wheel reaches its final tip,
    A final trip around, to one another’s hearts and lips.

    The final act, the heavens come together to form an anchor,
    As love has escaped all of her shackles and cankers,
    The hearts mirror the heavens, and all fears elope
    As the new bliss surrounding is covered in hope.


    For tonight faith perfumes the scent of a new moon,
    Replacing all time and effort spent with a blue tune,
    They say they can’t change fate, or control their destiny,
    Along with their minds and emotions all scattered in entropy
    But for now, they focus on what they can control
    And that’s not, if they’ll be face to face when their faces get old,
    It’s living in this moment, the last few seconds of the ride,
    As she falls asleep in his arms, yet she feels so alive,
    She wakes up seconds later, rubs her eyes in a daze,
    Looks at him, and knows the time together wasn’t just a phase
    They understand. Trust’s the key to all of the fear vaults
    As the ride ritards, and finally reaches a dramatic halt,
    They get up as tears and smiles replace any deplored talk,
    And walk their separate ways across the boardwalk.

  2. #2
    Splash Bandicoot Essen's Avatar
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    Last edited by Essen; November 4th, 2009 at 07:51 PM

  3. #3
    Splash Bandicoot Essen's Avatar
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    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    To the topppppp. Leave links, I'll hit them up

  4. #4

    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    yah i read this earlier....rhyme scheme was nice..flow was on-point...vocab was there...multi's were off at times some seemed forced....wordplay was kind of choppy at times but still understandable....good peice here..enjoyed reading it....you stayed on topic well...

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  5. #5
    Splash Bandicoot Essen's Avatar
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    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    Thanks for the feed. Uppinnnn, leave links

  6. #6
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...552/index.html
    ^^new piece.. check it out.. if you're really into reading, go to the Sacred Scriptures forum and vote on the matches there. thx!


    this piece... it was actually pretty damn good dude.. schemes were on point. word choice may have been a bit awkward in a couple spots.. but more often then not you had a dope read going here.. the ending was nice.. kinda makes it seem like they weren't lovers to begin with? it was pretty tight to read.. the interprutation on this shit could go so many different dirrections.. you could say they traveled back in time literally... to a time when they didn't know each other all because of the ferris wheel - as to express that "live for the moment" theme.. or, you could say they got on the ferris wheel together, but they're not lovers to begin with. they don't even know each other.. but as to that "Ferris Wheel of Love" type tradition, they sort've fall for each other on the ride.. but not enough to be together.. and once the ride stops, they don't act on their crushes and they walk seperate ways... I mean.. that's just two directions I could go in this shit.. overall, I love the way it made my mind work.. definitely got a cool style here.. I couldn't find any major nitpicks with the read. it was long, but it was pretty much worth it.. glad I took the time.. props dude..

  7. #7
    double ya money 2triple0's Avatar
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    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    this was dope... definitely HoF worthy... i thought the imagery was incredible, really nice read... the story was very interesting and i loved the intro with the first car coming down the ferris wheel... shit was hella picturesque.. i really liked this piece a lot and also identified with the title because a friend of mine is called ferris... i think Cry is being too critical in his feedback, your writing was superb and i think your wording was amazing and actually added to the imagery of the piece... really enjoyed the bit in the middle too just like Cry said about the relationship between the two people on the ferris wheel... good shit. really enjoyed the read, keep writing!
    Last edited by 2triple0; November 8th, 2009 at 10:20 AM

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  8. #8
    Splash Bandicoot Essen's Avatar
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    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    Thanks for the kind words guys, I'll hit up the links later today. Uppin

  9. #9
    Splash Bandicoot Essen's Avatar
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    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    To the top.. Leave links I'll hit em up

  10. #10
    Splash Bandicoot Essen's Avatar
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    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    Up and awayyyy. leave links

  11. #11

    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    this was cool and original vocab was good flowed well but some of the multies threw me off. i did like the italicized parts that added almost a chorusy feel to it making this a song. very intresting indeed and you kept me reading thru the whole thing i liked the beginning tho the description of a ferris wheel being a public transport was an odd mix and caught my attention one question tho is this whole piece on the first car or is each one individual?
    rtf please
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  12. #12
    Splash Bandicoot Essen's Avatar
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    Re: The Ferris Wheel

    Appreciate it, and yea this is just one car, hopefully I'll get to other cars and stories in the near future. The feedback's returned by the way.

    Any more? Leave links..

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