On My Sleeve.

[Soule]

On My Sleeve
Written by Achilles



These aren't tattoos,
their memories of pain.
Scars to remind me,
that I've been cursed.
Not by something evil,
but by my own demons.
There's consequences,
but my sins are worse.
The pictures on my bed,
burn in the fire.
As I pray for forgiveness,
I can hear the devil's choir.
My wife and son,
watch as I suffer.
They see me struggle,
like they did when I struck.
I can see them now,
as I stand in the doorway.
This was his bedroom,
this is his resting place.
She lays next to his crib,
with Heaven in her eyes.
They look so peacefull,
with blood next to them.
I can hear his screams,
echo from the burning cradle.
I want to hold them again,
but only if I was able.
The gasoline soaks my feet,
and I breathe in the smell.
So this is the scent of death,
hope it's better than hell.

These are not tattoos,
their chain links to my own guilt.
God's ink on my sleeve.

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...746/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...285/index.html

[Alyse Miller]

I was feeling this wording was excellent here i learned something =] but my favorite lines was So "this is the scent of death, hope it's better than hell" i loved that line i was feeling the emotion in that an it got deep as i read on the tat was kinda symbolic i presume? a meta phore for a scar? i like that this was well written i really enjoyed this

[Soule]

Thank you.

[The Messenger]

this easily the best poem i've read on here including whats in HOF
the imagery was on point the choice of words was precise
every line flowed from one to another naturally
nice concept too keep writing

[yungskeeme]

Nice piece man. Like how this poem formed it was so smooth. I like the wording and I could actually see everything. Nice work.

[Soule]

bump.

[Soul Slayer]

You had some typos in this buddy their = they are. I liked this piece man. The emotion was really hearfelt and the subject matter was headed in one direction. You didn't loose sight of the broad message you were trying to convey here. You did that in a short piece as well, which is always sweet. The only thing i din't like was some of the rhymes. The seemed out of place and limited the raw eomtion of what you were saying. Its more of a word choice thing though. Pain and anger poems rarely need such rhymes. You dig? Other than that, i think you really did a grat job at this. With a few tweaks it could land in HOF. Keep writng mayne. Peace

[artisan.]

this piece was solid... the short lines moved the poem along quickly which was a good choice for this poem because I felt the writing was drenched in normal God jargon...demons heaven God etc... nothing new.

The feeling came out well, and that's what matters.