'Black Saturn: A Critical Perspective' by 2triple0

[2triple0]

Black Saturn:
A Critical Perspective
by 2triple0


it was kind of a mixture between a comedy and a romance
because it was about two people who are about to have a moment
of love/hate relationship sort and in the end of something like that
someone always gets hurt... after your finally on the right track

When she leaves you for dead,
you'll be the last to know.

this was very funny and very depressing at the same time
for this man because a girl just turned him into a hate crime..
i guess where the woman tells the man he's nothing
wasn't enough for this guy.. he didn't understand this woman
had more to deal with like her unborn child,
i think this guy shouldn't have taken up all of your time
and the girl just hasn't been paying attention to him,
and he doesn't know how much she is intending to give
their relationship a chance when it all depends on who he is..

a person's rhyme scheme must be a critical course
because even when topics lack, rhymes are a literal force
and when i saw the one Black Saturn used it amazed me,
although there were a few words in the wrong place, g.
the multi's that Saturn used, meant he kept the story direct
and made it seem that Saturn wrote an allegory for sex
everything that he was trying to connect to the topic...
could have been taken in many directions, which was awesome

where does the man go from here
when his woman's been pregnant half of a year...
she wanted him because he got shit at a price that's low
what was their history together? it would be nice to know
how they became involved in the first place...
i tried to understand and she just gave me the worst face,
it sounded like the man was just in lust for a woman
and it could have been any woman to be honest
but the girl was needing something that would make her proud
there's definitely more in there, but that's all i can say for now..

[2triple0]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...253/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...137/index.html

[Calli]

this was good, i think it could have used more of a cadence, kinda had to follow my own flow.....not saying it was bad, i would have like it more if YOU defined it for me with the syllables usage. but as for the content i dont know what or who you are reffering to but the story we nice and well paced. again i didnt get the middle part seemed like you jumped off topic to talk about that saturn dude. that part was well written though, the ending was lil blah....like u just wanted to get it over with. as a whole i thought it came together nicely.

Good drop bruh

[2triple0]

thankyou for the feedback, actually the piece is about a critical perspective of a piece written by a user on RB called Black Saturn.. The piece that I am referring to in this critical piece is called 'Last to Know'. I guess that would have helped the reader a little bit to know that information... anyways i'm glad you enjoyed the piece and thank you for the feedback

[yung nothing]

Black Saturn:
A Critical Perspective
by 2triple0


it was kind of a mixture between a comedy and a romance
because it was about two people who are about to have a moment
of love/hate relationship sort and in the end of something like that
someone always gets hurt... after your finally on the right track



this was very funny and very depressing at the same time
for this man because a girl just turned him into a hate crime..
i guess where the woman tells the man he's nothing
wasn't enough for this guy.. he didn't understand this woman
had more to deal with like her unborn child,
i think this guy shouldn't have taken up all of your time
and the girl just hasn't been paying attention to him,
and he doesn't know how much she is intending to give
their relationship a chance when it all depends on who he is..

a person's rhyme scheme must be a critical course
because even when topics lack, rhymes are a literal force
and when i saw the one Black Saturn used it amazed me,
although there were a few words in the wrong place, g.
the multi's that Saturn used, meant he kept the story direct
and made it seem that Saturn wrote an allegory for sex
everything that he was trying to connect to the topic...
could have been taken in many directions, which was awesome

where does the man go from here
when his woman's been pregnant half of a year...
she wanted him because he got shit at a price that's low
what was their history together? it would be nice to know
how they became involved in the first place...
i tried to understand and she just gave me the worst face,
it sounded like the man was just in lust for a woman
and it could have been any woman to be honest
but the girl was needing something that would make her proud
there's definitely more in there, but that's all i can say for now..

Good flow, nice rhymes. I like that this piece had a purpose. The only thing I would only really improve is I guess that it could use some more polish around the edges to make it a more complete piece.

Dope line:a person's rhyme scheme must be a critical course
because even when topics lack, rhymes are a literal force

[Soule]

Umm, is there a REAL reason behind this piece? Because honestly, I couldn't catch on to this shot you took.

[2triple0]

LOL nah homie this is not like a diss or anything... it was just my critical perspective on your piece... i would love to hear what your responses were? lol i know dawg i'm fucking crazy lol but seriously this is how i like to write my pieces, so that they all relate to people on the site, so i am aware of my community and therefore feedback becomes more important and then verses stack on top of each other, thus, making our paper phatter.... no offense was meant i really enjoyed your piece

[jackel]

this was a pretty good piece i really dug the concept and vocab, flow was tight..good shit my dude

she wanted him because he got shit at a price that's low
what was their history together? it would be nice to know
how they became involved in the first place...
i tried to understand and she just gave me the worst face,

i dug this my dude

[Silhouettes]

Your style is definitely different, and overall I pretty much agree with calli. At times the flow seemed nice and effortless for a few lines, then suddenly I'm completely thrown off. Might work excellent on audio, but it can easily make a text piece confusing. Noticeably easier to read the second time then the first, which sadly most people won't bother to do. As far as content, I dunno.. You've limited your target audience a whole fucking lot ( :P ), but it's original (kind of), and I'm impressed you managed to give such in-depth feed in this.. Probably a nice method to working up skill, especially in seeing what you can include in real topic pieces to make it even better. I mean, if you can write 30+ lines of feed in rhyme form, you gotta be able to think of good ideas for your own pieces as well. Haha, maybe I should try this some time.

[2triple0]

yo Silhouttes when you talk about content? what are you trying to say, i was reading some book earlier about memory in post-1945 era and it mentioned something about identity and content... none of this is relevant to this piece, anyways it basically just said that content is extremely important for any piece to create a type of identity for an individual... would love to hear your thoughts???

[Swayde]

wow this was a fuuuun read....rhymes were off in some places otherwise i had no problems with this...never seen anyone use this concept before....10 extra cool points for originality....ummm yea i just enjoyed this piece...good way to connect to ppl...realli dope...stay up man keep writing....flow was ok but off slightly in some areas as well as there was one instance of an incomplete rhyme scheme....that's all i got for critique