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Thread: A couple bars im stuck on

  1. #16
    ..Never Stop Searching.. The Incredible Hulk's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Quote Originally Posted by Seyance View Post
    No, lines can be 3 words and still work as a line.. never ever use filler words just for the sake of it. Sometimes setting your work out as the rhyme on the line below helps add to the feeling of the piece and the line is delivered different.

    Hulk, I'm glad your willing to help these newbs out.. but you haven't even mastered the techniques yourself yet, your giving out bad advice.

    Dude...suck my dick....you're critiqing me? get the fuck out of here

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  2. #17
    ..Never Stop Searching.. The Incredible Hulk's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    And why would you start telling him to start multies if that isnt his style? i use multies,but i didnt tell this dude to,he has his own style,he just needs to tweak it...

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  3. #18
    Axis Powers
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    The use of multi's would make his verses better. E.g. When I added them, his verse had the same feeling but flowed better. I don't know who you think you are.. but your not very good. Which is why you gave him bad advice...
    I'm so fly, they sent for a swat team to stop me.

    HenceForward.


  4. #19
    ..Never Stop Searching.. The Incredible Hulk's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Dude you suck shut up,do something

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  5. #20
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    i appreciate what you both had to say , its all love ya'll. we all are growing...
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    Im here to help, If I can let me know.

  6. #21
    ..Never Stop Searching.. The Incredible Hulk's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Peace,some people on here just got a finger roll up their ass dude,but they wont battle me...

    yet i'm wack?lol...haters

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  7. #22
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    lol
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  8. #23
    Shut up and make music Big Question's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    word, hulk is such a formidable opponent no one will battle him
    A.I



    Hip Hop Uk Resurrection

  9. #24
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    ^Guy speaks the truth

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  10. #25
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    i know....i checked out your battles. dope.
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  11. #26
    Legend Frank P.'s Avatar
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    Arrow Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Personally, i dont think it really matters how you write the rhyme if you're going to rap it. these text heads have a different perspective because they, in some form or fashion, rely on visual structure to convey a message..which is cool, thats how their gig works.

    If you're going to rap this verse, i suggest you dont take anyones advice about how to structure your rhymes. you dont want to fall outta your comfort zone, and if you're more comfortable writing in the fashion your verse is here, then stick with it.

    Now, about your verse. i dont think theres much wrong with it honestly, its not that bad. its def not very complex and seems to me that its direction is a bit rushed. its begins as if you're going to speak about the hardships of life..and then you rush in with the political shit. your opening bars arent very justified by the political comments afterwards, nor is the political shit justified in itself. why do you think the gov. is phony? you shouldnt really assume we know what you're talking about just because its general knowledge that the gov. is fucked up.

    something like:

    Plus, yall know the government is phony..
    Always lyin' in they speeches, just to keep me voting..


    now its justified, stating what i think is making the gov. phony. "and i'm payin' taxes, i think you owe me" just isnt enough. the taxes line isnt specific enough, it doesnt directly address the issue of why the gov. is phony, it only adds another unjustified issue. we all pay taxes, why shouldnt you pay taxes? its like saying, the government is phony because we follow along with its rules. what do they owe YOU for?..everybody is gettin' jerked..ya feelin' me?..


    Payin taxes to the man, so he can make his rockets fly..
    Every time he goes to war, uncle sam taps my pockets dry..


    your rhyme should be constructed like a thesis. begin with a statement that makes a clear point to set the tone of your verse. every line following, or bar following for that matter, should always redirect back to that initial point. constantly reaffirming the issue, which in this set seems like you wanna go in the direction of why America is fucked. what i'm sayin' is, we wont know why America is fucked if you dont tell us. you just cant assume we understand through general statements. rap is not for the listener to interpret, but for the rapper to interpret to the listener, in our rap language, ya feelin me?..

    give that shit a try, and then come back here and show us what'chu got, and i'll try to help you further..



    -10

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  12. #27
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    wow i c , thx for the tips franky. i always worry about that problem. If i make general statements i better justify it in the preceding lines correct? I cant just assume ya'll know what im thinking huh. Thats kinda tough too...
    Last edited by ZachLipscomb; October 3rd, 2009 at 10:16 PM
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  13. #28
    Legend Frank P.'s Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    the way we think specifically about general issues arent going to be the same. in that respect, think of it as if you're explaining the details rather than just noticing what contains them. you say you prefer to rap about politics, so deliver the nature of the threat, rather than merely acknowledging it exists..

    -10

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  14. #29
    Axis Powers
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Quote Originally Posted by Big Question View Post
    word, hulk is such a formidable opponent no one will battle him
    True dat, haha.
    I'm so fly, they sent for a swat team to stop me.

    HenceForward.


  15. #30
    Shut up and make music Big Question's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    i remember the days when i thought like that...its a noob thing
    A.I



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