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Thread: A couple bars im stuck on

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    A couple bars im stuck on

    Thx for reading guys. First off im not a battler , i rap about political issues , life , the government, world peace , things like that. And i need some help , sometimes i get stuck when writing....this is what i have so far

    When I try harder
    My goals just move farther and farther away
    I still reach for'em..
    untill my grave imma keep goin
    knowin my place within this rat race
    and its wit god homie
    im now fully conscious
    you cannot control me
    im tired of the nonsense
    your governemnt is phony
    and im payin taxes?
    i think you owe me..
    and explanation why Americas Failing us

    Thats what i have so far....how do guys feel about my lyrics. Are the clear, understandble, simple enough or maybe too simple? lemme know plz any critique is greatly appreciated. Ty
    Last edited by ZachLipscomb; October 2nd, 2009 at 08:42 PM
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  2. #2
    ..Never Stop Searching.. The Incredible Hulk's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    When I try harder My goals just move farther and farther away
    I still reach for'em..untill my grave imma keep goin knowin my place within this rat race
    and its wit god homie im now fully conscious
    you cannot control me im tired of the nonsense
    your governemnt is phone and im payin taxes?
    i think you owe me.. and explanation why Americas Failing us

    Well first off you need to structure your verses with the rhyming part at the END of each line,it helps the reader,and will help the flow of the verse...

    spit me another 4 lines of something else...so i can see if you understand..i'll be waiting...

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  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Thx for the help hulk. So the way i started was kind of confusing or hard to follow? Ill keep the structure tip in mind. I spit the rest i just wrote for you...

    With a needle in the arm of a patriot
    still got my faith but i don't think god savin us
    lettem lead the way i can see where they takin us
    Illuminati slaves while their fingers get the paper cuts
    ...more money
    still they don't have enough
    the greed from the top seat is obvious
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  4. #4
    ..Never Stop Searching.. The Incredible Hulk's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    With a needle in the arm of a patriot
    still got my faith but i don't think god savin us
    lettem lead the way i can see where they takin us
    Illuminati slaves while their fingers get the paper cuts
    Nicely written,no lie...

    but the 2 lines after that were a little short compared to the bars above..Just watch out that you dont make your lines too short,yes lines can be too stretched,but they can also be too short...
    but already i see an improvement,it flows well,and is easy to read,but most of all them first 4 lines were well written,props...

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  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    thx hulk. If some lines are too short should i use filler words to make it longer? or just scrap it and come up wit something different...i don't want to sound like im rambling and stuff.
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  6. #6
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Some filler words are ok,not loads though..there is always a longer way of saying what ever you want,without blabbering..lol

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  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    lol thats true. thx for the help bro. Do you write songs as well as battle?
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  8. #8
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Yeh i write songs to beats,battle,and do text written verses in OM..

    you'll see me all over the open mic section..lmao,go check it

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  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    lol coooo i got you
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  10. #10
    Axis Powers
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    No, lines can be 3 words and still work as a line.. never ever use filler words just for the sake of it. Sometimes setting your work out as the rhyme on the line below helps add to the feeling of the piece and the line is delivered different.

    Hulk, I'm glad your willing to help these newbs out.. but you haven't even mastered the techniques yourself yet, your giving out bad advice.
    Last edited by Seyance; October 3rd, 2009 at 10:08 AM
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  11. #11
    Shut up and make music Big Question's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    well what i can say is to be a writer stop thinking...

    you shouldnt be dwelling or tryna analyze your writing, at least not if its a song or written piece.

    fuck structure and line limits etc, if youre writing a song its to a beat with a flow
    if its an om, it doesnt really matter as much...

    just let go and write, i see in your piece you are trying multies, but their is too many and they are too basic so they sound choppy....

    just relax and visualise what you wish to portray, practice makes perfect but i suppose a certin talent is required to become a great writer


    When I try harder
    My goals just move farther and farther away
    I still reach for'em..
    untill my grave imma keep goin
    knowin my place within this rat race
    and its wit god homie
    im now fully conscious
    you cannot control me
    im tired of the nonsense
    your governemnt is phony
    and im payin taxes?
    i think you owe me..
    and explanation why Americas Failing us


    ^ its a bit basic, lack of feelin and emotion...theres a way to say things and its not so much what is said but sometimes how you portray what you mean....
    dont get it twisted tho, you dont have to rhyme seven syllables in every bar, go crazy with rhyme schemes or choose stupidly big words, just kick back and flow what comes out

    example off the dome ..

    My perservation is relentless, i feel im on fire
    My scripts are the tyre which i roll thru the mire
    Of life, and my strife is a struggle a second
    Im a warrior in mind, and words are my weapons
    To devour the haters, my writtens on papers
    Unshackle the chains as i struggle thru capers
    Reading the papers, the grind and the trouble
    Im stuck in a landslide the dust and the rubble


    basically use metas/similes/wordplay/multies etc....BUT dont think to put them in, it will stifle you if you think i must use a metaphor here etc, just practice and let go

    pz
    A.I



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  12. #12
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Quote Originally Posted by Big Question View Post
    well what i can say is to be a writer stop thinking...

    you shouldnt be dwelling or tryna analyze your writing, at least not if its a song or written piece.

    fuck structure and line limits etc, if youre writing a song its to a beat with a flow
    if its an om, it doesnt really matter as much...

    just let go and write, i see in your piece you are trying multies, but their is too many and they are too basic so they sound choppy....

    just relax and visualise what you wish to portray, practice makes perfect but i suppose a certin talent is required to become a great writer


    When I try harder
    My goals just move farther and farther away
    I still reach for'em..
    untill my grave imma keep goin
    knowin my place within this rat race
    and its wit god homie
    im now fully conscious
    you cannot control me
    im tired of the nonsense
    your governemnt is phony
    and im payin taxes?
    i think you owe me..
    and explanation why Americas Failing us


    ^ its a bit basic, lack of feelin and emotion...theres a way to say things and its not so much what is said but sometimes how you portray what you mean....
    dont get it twisted tho, you dont have to rhyme seven syllables in every bar, go crazy with rhyme schemes or choose stupidly big words, just kick back and flow what comes out

    example off the dome ..

    My perservation is relentless, i feel im on fire
    My scripts are the tyre which i roll thru the mire
    Of life, and my strife is a struggle a second
    Im a warrior in mind, and words are my weapons
    To devour the haters, my writtens on papers
    Unshackle the chains as i struggle thru capers
    Reading the papers, the grind and the trouble
    Im stuck in a landslide the dust and the rubble


    basically use metas/similes/wordplay/multies etc....BUT dont think to put them in, it will stifle you if you think i must use a metaphor here etc, just practice and let go

    pz

    thx for the tips BQ. I do think a lot....way too much. Is not thinking the easiest way to stray away from being to basic in my rhymes? I try to read alot and think about different analogies to help me be a bit more creative. The bars u wrote off the dome were real nice. Ill get there soon i hope...
    Last edited by ZachLipscomb; October 3rd, 2009 at 12:42 PM
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  13. #13
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ZachLipscomb's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Quote Originally Posted by Seyance View Post
    No, lines can be 3 words and still work as a line.. never ever use filler words just for the sake of it. Sometimes setting your work out as the rhyme on the line below helps add to the feeling of the piece and the line is delivered different.

    Hulk, I'm glad your willing to help these newbs out.. but you haven't even mastered the techniques yourself yet, your giving out bad advice.
    When I wrote the short lines , i was actually thinking about how i was gonna make the beat do the rest of the fills for the line like maybe an adlib or something like that.

    thx again guys
    Last edited by ZachLipscomb; October 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 PM
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  14. #14
    Axis Powers
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Start using multi's to influence your flow more..

    When I try harder
    My goals just move farther and farther away
    I still reach for'em..
    untill my grave imma keep goin
    knowin my place within this rat race
    and its wit god homie

    vs

    When I try harder today,
    My goals just move farther and farther away
    But, i still reach for'em..
    and untill my grave imma keep goin
    Because knowin' where i am in this rat race,
    helps me stay away from last place..

    Rhyme more than the end syllable.. 'rat-race / last-place' 'hard-er to-day / farth-er a-way'.
    I'm so fly, they sent for a swat team to stop me.

    HenceForward.


  15. #15
    Shut up and make music Big Question's Avatar
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    Re: A couple bars im stuck on

    Quote Originally Posted by ZachLipscomb View Post
    thx for the tips BQ. I do think a lot....way too much. Is not thinking the easiest way to stray away from being to basic in my rhymes? I try to read alot and think about different analogies to help me be a bit more creative. The bars u wrote off the dome were real nice. Ill get there soon i hope...
    Im not saying dont think and that will fix it, sure you have to think...
    i guess i meant, dont over analyze...

    i mean it may be different from you, but i personally only get stuck when i stop and think "what should i write next"

    when your learning its best to continue, like freestyling you just keep going till eventually it falls into place even if you stumble, stutter and talk complete bollocks along the way



    and best way to practice multies is spit em, go as quick as you can

    in time you will go from having to think about dropping 2-3 syllables to just writing 3-4-5-6 syllables without even realising, it just becomes second nature, like anything really
    Last edited by Big Question; October 3rd, 2009 at 01:05 PM
    A.I



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