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Thread: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

  1. #61
    Legend.
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    ^ Its good it rhymes well, flows quite nicely... Not a bad all round piece to be honest dude can't wait to read the final draft.

    Un corte en el interior
    ( A cut Inside )


    Daggers Placed within grasp
    My tight sweated palms slides the handle
    Looking to the Cold Rigid Steel
    Seeing Failures Face I weep
    As a school girl faced with Rejection
    My complex mind … Riddled with
    Mysteries unable to solve my
    Personal problems Slash After
    Blood shed I bled slow
    Looking Precise on Pain
    I directly see no confirmation
    My hart shatters cold beats

    A sharp emblem-
    The knowledge of relief.


    Distgust slurred [picturess]
    a brief a tesselate mind
    and distained emotion
    Denotes my strains
    that rivets at the heart
    and depicts the drips
    that confines my soul.
    I delve into the abyss
    as I stroll into my slump
    that sustains me to the wall
    I have subjected my spine to-
    and the flooding of the pupils
    stricken my vision as i sit
    contempt with my life.
    Legend.
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  2. #62
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    this isnt anything of significance..i was bored in cypher and typed this up and decided to put it here...the freak side

    i twist ribbons around the presents given
    im blitzed livin around the lesser minions
    my pleasures given by naked nymphos
    head,puss and anal come to mind
    but you wont find my dick behind
    it all in line when the slit is moist
    the ditz is poised to get her hole stretched
    ive composed next a series of storys
    stretchin that asshole ive left it gory
    pour me a drink and roll up my weed
    after you suck my dick and drink my seed


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  3. #63
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Narcissistic Walrus

    new age zoos have been developed to boost animals esteem
    theyve been in captivity for too long stuck in this cannibals dream
    not free to roam,far from the trees of home and the water
    only mating to keep delayin the species not for son or daughter
    they caught her off the shores as she fished for a late lunch
    thought shed fetch a nice penny she stayed in the cage bunched
    hunched against the walls of a cage made for felines and canines
    the weathers gettin warmer as we get further,now its daytime
    sounds pound her ears and smells have swelled inside her nostrils
    kids screams and pop corn popping trigger her to feel hostile
    the smell of oil overpowers the food and twisted metal screeches
    rides go fast and climb,find the time to give your green to the leeches
    theyve breeched the games rigged them,and the freaks arent real
    the truck backs up,merchandise viewed,shook hands make the deal
    all of a sudden shes gotten a better look and her face is clearer
    shes put in a twirling carousel thats wide and lined with mirrors


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  4. #64
    i do this shit forreal Alta's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Quote Originally Posted by Messiah. View Post
    ^ Its good it rhymes well, flows quite nicely... Not a bad all round piece to be honest dude can't wait to read the final draft.

    Un corte en el interior
    ( A cut Inside )


    Daggers Placed within grasp
    My tight sweated palms slides the handle
    Looking to the Cold Rigid Steel
    Seeing Failures Face I weep
    As a school girl faced with Rejection
    My complex mind … Riddled with
    Mysteries unable to solve my
    Personal problems Slash After
    Blood shed I bled slow
    Looking Precise on Pain
    I directly see no confirmation
    My hart shatters cold beats

    A sharp emblem-
    The knowledge of relief.


    Distgust slurred [picturess]
    a brief a tesselate mind
    and distained emotion
    Denotes my strains
    that rivets at the heart
    and depicts the drips
    that confines my soul.
    I delve into the abyss
    as I stroll into my slump
    that sustains me to the wall
    I have subjected my spine to-
    and the flooding of the pupils
    stricken my vision as i sit
    contempt with my life.
    this had potential to be a great poem messiah was that misspellings ment to be there or you did that for a reason? but i loved the description in the first part the words were beautifully used an messiah i loved your part but i think this could of been alot better thoe from both i can see the full potential of this poem i no you guys could of came harder an placed alot more feeling an detail in this especially using that for a title : )

  5. #65
    Legend.
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    I dont even know what that title means lol... dude just told me to write something quick following his piece so i did lol. Thanks
    Legend.
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  6. #66
    Legend.
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Into the Arms of Angels

    You have broken my wings before
    Depicting the stems that stray the feathers
    Denoting the fathoms of my wildest dreams.

    Come my Angel
    Fix my broken wings.
    Contemplate my faith
    And deliver me from evil.


    The sound of the wind is ever so tangible
    And the tranquil scattering of the leaves
    Help grace the essence that’s floating in
    The wind as it fills my yearning alveoli.
    My feathers feel discarded and are distal
    To the horizon as they pluck my mind.

    My thoughts are desolate, almost dyslexic
    At the fact I cannot restrict my wandering
    Torments that defect my halo’s shimmer.
    I abide by the words of my Lord and in vane
    Try to shatter the demons that clutter my
    My bright beady eyes from the light.

    I commend my spirit, as so many before me-
    Bow my head in symphony; eyes wide shut-
    Searching for answers on what is straining
    This covering of glazed icy tips that’s beginning
    To linger its way around my limbering self.

    Release me o' Lord
    Pray these ghouls
    Cast back to the shadows
    And shackle themselves to-
    The fire of the abyss.


    I confide myself within the sun
    The way it carries itself across-
    God's great sctructure and subdues
    itself to his loving hands in the end.




    .
    Legend.
    RB Original.

    Meta. Convicts.
    18-0 Crew Record, 06-07 Best Crew.

  7. #67
    Legend.
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    I poured my heart juice into the pen again.



    Its where I play my feelings
    on the propped parchment paper of my heart.
    I love the snow as it blankets the last flower of winter
    and how the birds echo in the distance for all to hear
    as they stray from the cold into hibernation.
    I love the summer and the blossom of life that injects faint smiles,
    of everyone that seems to stroll by in their casual sunday wear.
    My eyes see me through everyday of the year,
    my heart the tool that wields the power of my emotion
    destructive when I feel great rage; complacent with success
    and anguish my body in times of grief and sorrow.
    I accept the fact that most people's dream depicts their character
    a strange notion but true as I know a few myself
    they seem to take alot to heart and contort with the ongoings around them,
    rather than span their own wings of destiny and fate
    and fly free from anarchy and tyrants,
    to learn that the only problems merely lie within the social injustices
    that smear the paths they walk upon or so I percieve it to be like that.

    I live for each second without hesitation or a backward step
    pray for a brighter day than the last one thats just embedded itself,
    in the back of my mind as a memory.
    The cry of the day falls on deaf ears as I have no remorse,
    no remorse to the activites that went down to day,
    I just sit content with myself and welcoming the stary sky
    as It roars in on the waves of the moonlight.
    Most comment on my sanity when I spot things of sheer bliss and beauty
    and ask if I can only spot the beauty of life, and not the darker abysses
    of the world and maybe the demonic ones that self storage themselves
    in my mind which is a side of me nobody has seen including myself,
    as I fear it may be life ruining for me.

    I'm reminded of the piece I last wrote,
    around the same time last week,
    I'm reminded of a line I wrote of a frail simpleton that smiles to the world,
    Ironic I should sit here a week later, connected with that fictional person
    when it would be impossible to sit here and no smile at the hazey dreams
    as they flutter round the twilight that is my life.

    I commend my way of thought,
    a feat that could seem arrogant, but to me its confidence,
    such a feeling that is without that shadow of a doubt,
    a cliche yes, missing in day to day society, when it shouldn't,
    because I find it to be beautiful when a task is met without a train of thought
    that someone may fail.
    Beautiful.

    When looking back at the past 19 years of my life,
    years I have seen through God's eyes
    and played out on his actions for my admiration of him is unearthly,
    I am fine that each night I find myself coming to the end of a day
    and talking with my best friend,
    the only one who listens,
    the only one who gives no response but only signs.
    I find myself confined to my heart and his hands that hold me
    in the right hand of his father, a prayer of my own
    whos love is the only one that caresses my soul.

    You all will probably think I'm crazy but I couldn't care less
    a line which may seem to be irreverant to a poetical piece
    but its who I am, I speak words that should be said...
    only at appropriate times.

    I hope that you've enjoyed my song, my passion, my life
    that was written and locked on that parchment from before
    thats now been played for all of the Rapbattles public to hear
    on the piano that keys only to the beat of my heart.







    .
    Legend.
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    Meta. Convicts.
    18-0 Crew Record, 06-07 Best Crew.

  8. #68
    Situations at a struggle. Bstill's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    ABL VERSE

    [SOUNDCLICK]8455150[/SOUNDCLICK]

    Hidden Content:

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  9. #69
    Situations at a struggle. Bstill's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    wow no feed back odd fuck it im takin the kids to play in the snow

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  10. #70
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    my eyes started stuttering at the beautiful cutlery
    my skin began shuttering,i find this knife is stuck with me
    luckily i pulled it out in time to rush to the hospital
    expressions dull,feelings are volatile,overcoming obstacles
    it isnt possible despite my many failed attempts
    steel opens my veins its like an icy lake,i beheld a glimpse
    since the waters freezing i wonder why i should bother breathing
    just a martyr bleeding,cutting steals the pain of my father leaving
    i sought out needing affectionate love from a strong male figure
    depression left me railed along with my cocaine and frail slippers
    a tattered robe and mess of curls covers a girl no longer alive
    her dad left his kids for new kids and a pearly white trash bride
    deep seeded anger and hatred left this girl lost and depressed
    the cost to confess is priceless,payment is being tossed into sex
    she obnoxiously texts her "man",but his minds moved to new girls
    teenage love lasts a week,you never forget sexy lips and blue pearls
    facial features and curves that are memorized,but shes desensitized
    he compliments her body and bright blues glowing through squinted eyes
    she seems lifeless with out emotion and it stems from no devotion
    her fathers poison to her is potent and she takes sips to calm her ocean
    another fight,another cry,another slice,i dont know why,i even pry
    but that knife is wedged in tight,at least the bleedings about to dry
    with open eyes the color turns to glass,sapphires rust to brass
    lips of red freeze icy blue,she smiles as her soul rushes past

    unfinished--still workin on it,let me know.
    Last edited by sILLable; December 11th, 2009 at 02:44 PM


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  11. #71
    Death fears me. Jason Voorhees's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Peep... Off that uh.. Juelz Ortiz beat.. If u fah eva a fan of hip hop

    I'm sick with the scripts nigga you'll get ripped, quick with the four fifth
    Ur liver'll shift, kidney clipped, u gone need a lift, cuz that sum serious shit
    Delirious witt, n im good with linguistics.. sick wit it, twisted like that Saw dude
    Thats why i dont fuck w.yall fools, n u can call a nigga rude.. so, fuck you too
    But what i do and when i do it, it's done, you dudes'll get sonned, nah, no pun
    Cuz i can fuck ya mom, then make you my son, that or the gun, so which one?
    Go dumb.. before i snap you niggaz, cock back and off the map you niggaz
    Oh you dont scrap bitches..
    Then you can feel em, i gotta extra clip, just cock back... n handle my bitness
    Clappin these triggaz... like im ovatin with pistols, u gotta issue, i wont miss you
    Precise like a missle cuttin the air like its tissue... wit da silencer hear it whistle..

  12. #72
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    im workin on this


    the night draws near,she switched the red light on
    she laced up her corset while her legs fed nylons
    my stiffness forms a pylon, she can tell im ready
    my dick it swells up heavy,nude; i held it steady
    im sweating as i enter in this sticky predicament
    i cant back out,perspiration shows my sentiment
    this laced maze is intricate im tightenin' the knot
    like locksmiths with broken picks fightin' with the lock
    she brightens up her block with deep hues of cherry
    vividly emanating from her porch,this used up fairy
    weary from working,with her tender muscles achin'
    when the money rustles,it helps her shuffle naked
    a muffled favorite bound tight with cloth and gagged
    her parlor tricks have aged,her skins soft and sags
    that face etched with sad,her depressions deepened
    the lust would sneak in,only hidden while shes sleepin
    peekin through venetian's,riddled with bi polar disorder
    the last trick changed her,he would hold and support her
    two court orders later she was sober,broke and strippin
    all she wanted was for a man to hold her close and listen
    inside her embers smoldered slow and glistened bright
    she held back her usual rage her minds switchin lights
    the front lights off,the rear fluorescent sprung to life
    a normal reaction to her thick mixture of rum and white
    the chalky substance left in the bottom of her glass
    is just to get her through workin a condom with her ass
    another autumn passed and her rooms still blushing
    night jobs mixed with coke,rum and real touching
    in the backroom hushing up her client while she ridin
    glidin up and down a strippers pole,inside shes cryin
    she dreams of a life with no tricks,tearin up chokin
    she could only picture that bleeding bulb broken
    Last edited by sILLable; December 31st, 2009 at 07:07 PM


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  13. #73
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    a womans purest form is before adolescence
    innocent and oblivious to realities perceptions
    corrections have been made about her equality
    but if we married she would probably still follow me
    i hope shes swallowing is the thought men conjure


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