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Thread: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

  1. #46
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    thnks i appreciate it


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  2. #47
    weightless
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    my topical battle verse aginst text emecee




    Looking through the plane window thinking to himself..


    2 years in Okinawa I don’t know if ill be the same,
    Torn bodies in Defeat Rivers of Blood toll numbers gain
    ...Graphic themes my day dreams flash.....
    I look down at my home I stare blank on what’s been changing,
    I been away for so long through my letters I was always grieving,
    My families connection kept me tied down to reality...


    The Plane lands...


    Look at all these memorable faces I see my loved ones,
    Arms open wide as a smile as long as the San Diego bridge....
    I stand still ware I stepped off but they stood still in cringe,
    Why they not run so? It’s as they looking through me,
    My heart freeze an drops with a tear blur my eye see,



    he approaches them...

    Stepping closer they step back from my presence,
    I yell to them “it’s me your father" but there eyes...
    Stared a dagger straight though my spirit,
    Pain shot through I was heart broken I admit,
    I felt as my families love turned on me as a hypocrite




    He watches them walk away as he cries...




    The Greatest

  3. #48
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Quote Originally Posted by Asia View Post
    my topical battle verse aginst text emecee




    Looking through the plane window thinking to himself..


    2 years in Okinawa I don’t know if ill be the same,
    Torn bodies in Defeat Rivers of Blood toll numbers gain
    ...Graphic themes my day dreams flash.....
    I look down at my home I stare blank on what’s been changing,
    I been away for so long through my letters I was always grieving,
    My families connection kept me tied down to reality...


    The Plane lands...


    Look at all these memorable faces I see my loved ones,
    Arms open wide as a smile as long as the San Diego bridge....
    I stand still ware I stepped off but they stood still in cringe,
    Why they not run so? It’s as they looking through me,
    My heart freeze an drops with a tear blur my eye see,



    he approaches them...

    Stepping closer they step back from my presence,
    I yell to them “it’s me your father" but there eyes...
    Stared a dagger straight though my spirit,
    Pain shot through I was heart broken I admit,
    I felt as my families love turned on me as a hypocrite




    He watches them walk away as he cries...




    This peice had a different approach towards it, i think this peice came off, more of a poetry peice than a 'usual' topical peice,
    Although i liked your description, your flow was there, your structure was poetical based so for a "OM" it was absent but the flow for a poetical peice was there, i thought your topic was unique and your metaphors have always shown amazement,
    Nice peice, Keep writing...And STAY UP!

  4. #49
    Writer Ctrl Alt Elite's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    official smells...
    Last edited by Ctrl Alt Elite; September 4th, 2009 at 11:44 AM

  5. #50
    Writer Ctrl Alt Elite's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    My latest poetry piece. Just a 15 minute boredom thing because i couldn't sleep.
    Any feed on the poem page itself please not here

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...886/index.html

    Thanks

  6. #51
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    ^ Sike!
    haha

  7. #52

    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    hit up my PS poem

  8. #53
    Legend.
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    A rough copy to the start I may use to my crew battle. Tell me what you think.

    Sands of Time

    A whimsical dance- heedlessly waiting for this; my final chance,
    for with a withering glance- one of distain romance; depicts my
    mood as I pull through the obstacles my mind so sublime, I bet
    my bottom dollar dime, I’m losing to fate and the sands of time.
    Legend.
    RB Original.

    Meta. Convicts.
    18-0 Crew Record, 06-07 Best Crew.

  9. #54
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Crimson tears rain down from the shattered skies.
    From deep within heaven lays a battered angel.
    Hurt and defeated, he lies still as he dies.
    His demise is unkown, but a painfull
    angst is written all over his derranged face.
    His demons torment his last few hours,
    as he soars rapidly from the pleasures of grace.
    Touch
    I'll Be The Fire That'll Catch You


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  10. #55
    Legend.
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Much much better dude... not sure about the first word on line 5 lol... but better, I liked it a thousands time better than the other one.
    Legend.
    RB Original.

    Meta. Convicts.
    18-0 Crew Record, 06-07 Best Crew.

  11. #56
      Touch.'s Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    i was trying a new rhymescheme but my old style kinda came threw with the rhyme midway through the sentence
    Touch
    I'll Be The Fire That'll Catch You


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  12. #57
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    My part in treazons topical



    Constantly glaring to the public with fire Inferno’s eyes,
    Hoping one day his spirits lift as a child’s laughter cries,
    But for now hatred Sooths my cravings for attention,
    Maybe now for my malicious actions ill receive Recognition,
    Tear, fight, spit, Kill, Murder wrongs feels right
    A positive and negative output in life serves my type,
    Greed now cause happiness if I’m not liked I hate,
    All whom opposes my shadow will suffer a cruel fate,
    Feel how I feel when you are disliked, feared, forgotten,
    Feel how it feels to be mistreated, made as the down rotten,
    Looked down upon as mere pheasants to the royal,
    ….Laughed at as a joke, an been left when loyal,
    I never cry I bleed hate, laugh pain, sleep dead,
    Alone in this pathetic world who lives on lies fed,
    I hate people I hate the way they are an live,
    If I see a person in need I rather turn my back then give,


    The Greatest

  13. #58
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Sands of Time

    A whimsical dance- heedlessly waiting for this; my final chance,
    for with a withering glance- one of distain romance; depicts my

    it begins just as my poetic ways ! i dont know what whimsical means but i do understand it i liked the way you beagn but i no you can start off hard an deep but since its a rough copy ill let this slide mister

    mood as I pull through the obstacles my mind so sublime, I bet
    my bottom dollar dime, I’m losing to fate and the sands of time.



    your ending was good i like the way you use your regular vocab to push out a strong message
    The Greatest

  14. #59
    Legend.
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    Collab - Treazon, Asia and Messiah.

    --Addicted to Hatred--

    constantly annoyed and irritated at the world
    paranoid that hell seem soft in front of girls
    not knowing that he’s making it harder to be liked
    exposing that he’s a shit starter turning girls to dikes
    anyone whose come in contact cant stand his face
    girls with there hands up raised, demanding space
    his rut is stuck in pause, and his depressions heavy
    in a rush to cuss when he talks, the lessons steady
    it doesn’t matter cause he never learns to be nice
    so instead of love and life, he’s just earning his fight
    mouth glued open from his cement laced saliva
    salivating off his lust for bust, content facing the liars
    pliers pull free the debris stuck between the gums
    while his teeth are decayed from the shit his lips run
    now he’s just a twisted soul left wandering in a shell
    composed of the hatred that’s decomposed into his hell

    Constantly glaring to the public with fire Inferno’s eyes,
    Hoping one day his spirits lift as a child’s laughter cries,
    But for now hatred Sooths my cravings for attention,
    Maybe now for my malicious actions ill receive Recognition,
    Tear, fight, spit, Kill, Murder the wrongs feels right
    A positive and negative output in life serves my type,
    Greed now cause happiness if I’m not liked I hate,
    All whom opposes my shadow will suffer a cruel fate,
    Feel how I feel when you are disliked, feared, forgotten,
    Feel how it feels to be mistreated, made as the down rotten,
    Looked down upon as mere pheasants to the royal,
    ….Laughed at as a joke, an been left when loyal,
    I never cry I bleed hate, laugh pain, sleep dead,
    Alone in this pathetic world who lives on lies fed,
    I hate people I hate the way they are an live,
    If I see a person in need I rather turn my back then give

    My mind is blind to the bind thats aligned my brain
    and distain from this pain but fail in vane as this ache
    that breaks me- and calmly shakes my twiddling toes
    and expose my lows but fail to compose my ideas
    as i smear my fear onto the cloudy window - sincere
    in with words that donate my state and bait my eyes
    into disguise as my reprise it dies on me and i contrive
    my thrive that dead or alive and drive to survive.
    Legend.
    RB Original.

    Meta. Convicts.
    18-0 Crew Record, 06-07 Best Crew.

  15. #60
    TreaZoN sILLable's Avatar
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    Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.

    something im workin on what yall think


    theres a new breed of machine thats recently been developed
    genetically enhanced while every piece has been embellished
    with a sheen the shade of relish,circuits surpassing our own
    put inside the palms of newborns,purchased be clashing clones
    wrapping stones in precious cloth to be used for barter and trade
    feuding clones destroyed order,all governments started to fade
    theyve departed a wave of these advanced cybernetic behemoths
    to rid the planet of those left standing the frail and the squeamish
    brilliant inventors compelled by genius invented our futures destruction
    targeting systems and missile compartments are a few of its constructions
    the sound of eruptions fill the void once inhabited by the silence
    streets run rampant with tyrants and the innocent evading violence
    debating with tyrants over drug trade,terrorists have been replaced
    by evil scientists who control the horde and try to distort the worlds fate
    were swept aside and quickly replaced by industrial robotic enhancements
    weve evolved into machines in place of humans due to advancements
    Last edited by sILLable; September 14th, 2009 at 05:36 PM


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