we built a fort on the floor

[spokenoh]

we built a fort on the floor,
covered ourselves in blankets
and we were the only two handlocked
lovers this town would ever know

I kissed your forehead

you moved towards me like a lioness
who hadn't ate in days,
and I slid my hand to the small of your back

by the time your parents arrived home,
we were laughing at the joke we only knew

all the times I skipped dirty English class
to gloss your stomach and thigh with my tongue,
and how you rolled your head back
when I tortured you by spelling my love out
along the areola of your breast

p-a-s-s-i-o-n

but the last time was beautiful, when
your naked elegance shuddered in ecstasy
and you layed in my arms starved for
the words I only know

you are beautiful

[Neruda II]

the first two stanzas are wonderful. you're such a great writer that I knew i could read this aloud to myself and it would read well. so i did. and it did. i like that you kept it simple but the diction in the last stanza could be heightened a little, worded with more creativity. the first part of this is so charmingly reminiscent of childhood yet very adult in it's grandure. this seems like a bit of a departure from your usual writing style, if not only in emotion. (by the way, you know you have problems right?) but you did it well, and didn't lose that taste of punishing lover that seems to lace your poetry. i rarely say this, but you and I should write something, together. no homo

[Spoken Deity]

What gets me every time with your writing is how easy it is to relate with the concept. Seriously. Like Neruda said... It reminds me of high school and just after, throwing my heart you and finding love amongst sex. And yet, the emotion is utterly mature and adult.
Your wording and vocab choice makes this come alive. Each stanza built upon the next until the end of the piece. The only grip I really have is maybe using different lengths in sentences and images. You use long, drawn out sentences that def work for the piece... but i wonder if experimenting with shorter sentences and images might make things a bit more interesting?

[Spoken Deity]

oh, and I saw links for the last poem... can you throw some down for this one?

[spokenoh]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...548/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...881/index.html

[LiL'LADiE]

Your work is F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C...Your poems have so much thought in them....The emotion just hits you...Your other poem you did was great as well, but this poem it says something to you..great work too!!

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

Poetic porn, whatever next?

No seriously, This was really good. A very strong piece in which you managed to speak about what can sometimes be seen as an immature concept (no help from my first sentence..) In a very mature and emotional way.

What I most enjoyed about this piece was that i could relate to it. Its something we'll all experience (I hope)... and It really highlights the thoughts and feelings and the intimacy of the moment.

Really well written,

- Divine

[P. Mortuus]

just the begrudging stanza is written so well, it seems a simple idea but the smoothness of it really gets me. The rest of the piece was good to, I would have wrote something else instead of the lioness description but it wasn't a biggie. Also, I think lay would work better than layed.

Other than that honestly, not much more I can say. Good work, it's always good to see a vet writing here.

[spokenoh]

I'd like for someone I know to read this, but she'll never see it here, and I appreciate the replies however her reply is the one I'd really like to hear. Thanks.