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Thread: The Cycle

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Jun 2009
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    The Cycle

    In our society, as we speak, young minds are corrupted,
    thus a path of learning interrupted
    leading to ruptured dreams and goals unreached.
    Morals go unpreached as oral teachings, while some speak, go unspoken.
    This, in the areas that need them most as
    violence and inequality are provokin the copin mechanisms
    that tend to unravel a community and grab it by the throat.
    Theres a moat,
    a divide between the castles of the wealthy and the huts of the poor
    in this mideval type system lackinng the traditional wisdom
    the divide seems to be untraversible and the effects of it unreversible,
    and while the problems of the rich are the problems of the country-
    yours sound quiet personal.
    For a while this seems to have been the case.
    as young ones try to stay straight-laced
    they are pulled away from that prospect. It's a gradual process
    begun at the onset that claws and grabs unrelentlously,
    welcomed by the industry.
    Soon these kids are given props for shootin cops-
    but will it stop? i know not
    until we stop feudin, join factions, take action, make it happen
    these crack n dope fiends will run the streets while they face defeat,
    and the cycle will rinse-repeat.

  2. #2
    fLAMEDUBBALLERGATZ
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    801
    Battle Record
    1-1

    Re: The Cycle

    This poem was inconsistent to me. That means that there were certain parts that I thought were pretty good, and other parts that seemed to impede the meter and flow of words. Personally, I'm not a rhymer, but I see the merits. I always say: don't force the rhyming. It can be an effective device, but oftentimes, especially with people who don't know how to rhyme fluidly, words and sentences are forced to make the rhyme fit. Of course, re-reading never hurts, because some of the language and spelling can be cleaned up. I thought that your poem lost steam towards the end, and that your language and control of the message broke down. The main problem is that, this is a topic that has been beaten to death, especially on a rap forum like this. Having said that, there were some nice lines, and you had some good things to say, especially towards the beginning.

  3. #3
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: The Cycle

    Need links, closed.

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