new here, be honest

[Girlie559]

I look at you
look deep in your eyes
your soul is so deep, It aint by surprise
i'd been loving you for far too long
and ive been sayin
hatin
for too long
i only wanted too
so much to do
only wid u
oooh
i only wanted you
so much wid u
only for u
forever
uve been hatin
waitin too long
but you she be gone
an I'm here only for you
so come here, you kno I'd be true
oooh
I hate the way
I am today
without u here
I gotta pay
my soul is creepin
outta my mind
you gotta save me from going blind
ooh
i want you bad
its so sad
what u had and now its gone ooh
and so i'm here
but you still fear
that you pay cost of what you lost
and i am wid you now
take me in your arms and hold me now
we be together
souls forever
in the same eyes
dont be surprised
i dont spread the lies
no i aint her
its still a blur
that i'd be true to you
so come and stay
and we will play
forever
together

[LunkHead]

it wasn't too bad. the only thing i suggest is tht you make your lines longer. like you shouldn't have just one word on a line. other than that it wasn't too bad.

could you peep my battle...http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=40316

and could you also check out my verse? its "try out verse"

[Sincere™]

EMmh wusnt that bad like Lunk said...........

need just more work...thats all practice makes perfect

[Jet]

pretty good....lil to sweet for my liking ...check out "Bowels of Hell".......peace

[SmoKeyThaBear]

Originally posted by ~RuThLEss~
EMmh wusnt that bad like Lunk said...........

need just more work...thats all practice makes perfect

exactly what i was gonna say

[Av1r3x]

^^^yeh basically make sentences and not 3-word combos.Lil too repetitous,get a lil more creative wit it.Stay ^
-Avi

[MuhThugga]

The concept of this piece was good....but the overall structure could use improvement.

You don't have to end every line as soon as a rhyming word comes up. You can have internal rhymes and such.
Try to lengthen the lines some bit, but then again, maybe this sounds good when you say it. I don't know. But if you lengthen the lines so may find it easier to express your feelings.
However, this is your style and I can only give pointers, and am pretty much reinforcing what everyone else has said.

[I.TWriter]

it was decent peeps my shit beware of the boy/mylife