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Thread: Nightmare Experiance

  1. #1
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    Nightmare Experiance





    He haunts our dreams, Kills us one by one.
    If you die in your sleep, thats it you're done.
    He's in my head but I'm sure he's real.
    Don't try to run away, He'll cut your achilles' heel.
    I can't sleep at night knowing I could be next.
    He's our worst Nightmares, Mine is insects.
    Not asleep, now bugs are growing out the walls of my room.
    My door just disapeared, now I'm sealed in this infested tomb.


    One, Two, Not running from you
    Three, Four, Not scared anymore
    Five, Six, Not falling for tricks
    Seven, Eight, Heart beats an unusual rate
    Nine, Ten, NEVER sleep again.


    I need to stop and think this is just a dream.
    Thats when Fred got mad and started to scream,
    "Theres no getting out, You're my child now"
    I had to finally beat him and I knew just how.
    I said "Fred your messing with the wrong guy,
    If you still think you can kill me why don't you give it a try"
    I own my dreams and your nothing, just my imagination.
    Thats when everything turned into cartoon animation.
    I was a Samurai, now he has to fight a sword.
    I ran toward, I cut through his chest and he just ignored
    Theres no way this is happening he just laughed at me.

    One, Two, Not running from you
    Three, Four, Not scared anymore
    Five, Six, Not falling for tricks
    Seven, Eight, Heart beats an unusual rate
    Nine, Ten, NEVER sleep again.


    I woke, Safe for another day.
    Or so I thought, I turned on my TV.
    Flipped through the channels, There was Pee Wee.
    He had knifes on his fingers, he's an encarnacion
    I turned it off and turned back on
    The playhouse crushed under its own weight,
    Thats it, Its over I finally won.
    And to think, The nightmares just begun.

    One, Two, Gonna kill you
    Three, Four, Stronger than before
    Five, Six, Punches like bricks
    Seven, Eight, Hitting at a fast rate
    Nine, Ten, Freddy's dead again.

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  2. #2
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    Re: Nightmare Experiance

    Bleh, I just posted because I didn't want to throw away what I wrote. Its not great I know.

    I'll post links later.

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  3. #3
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    Re: Nightmare Experiance

    Anybody?

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  4. #4
    ......... Camoflawge.'s Avatar
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    Re: Nightmare Experiance

    Favorite lines:

    He's in my head but I'm sure he's real.
    Don't try to run away, He'll cut your achilles' heel.
    I can't sleep at night knowing I could be next.
    He's our worst Nightmares, Mine is insects.
    Not asleep, now bugs are growing out the walls of my room.
    My door just disapeared, now I'm sealed in this infested tomb.


    I thought it was decent, nothing too complex... It's a decent read if you've seen the movie so at least you have a basic idea of what you're talking about but I don't know about someone who hasn't peeped the movie. The imagery wasn't that strong but it was solid I guess, the last verse was pretty weak, IMO... If you spent more time on this, B.. It could have been better, you should have took some more time to work on it. Stay up though..

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    ..Distinct Advantage..

  5. #5
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  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: Nightmare Experiance

    I dont know... found it hard to get any sort of consistent flow it just seemed to keep dropping off which made it a hard piece to read... need to work on your structure to try and tighten your flow up... use more multis in your pieces and itll make them that much better... Keep writing

  7. #7
    Gully Vallus's Avatar
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    Re: Nightmare Experiance

    Its pretty good....just work on choosing a rhyme scheme and using
    words that fl0w better....instead of making just the last word in the sentence
    rhyme, make your fl0w more complex and make the last 3 or 4 rhyme
    even two would make it rhyme much better and come off as less forced
    you had good visuas and solid structure which is what you need before
    getting complex with it, so I think you should work on incorporating
    more complexity and maybe some better vocab into your piece

    the concept behind the piece and the overall storytelling
    ability behind it was pretty good.....stay up^

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  8. #8
    oh! Chef Boy's Avatar
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    Re: Nightmare Experiance

    Awesome story telling piece. The vocab was pretty basic, and the flow fell off in a few points but over all it was a pretty nice read.

    "He haunts our dreams, Kills us one by one.
    If you die in your sleep, thats it you're done.
    He's in my head but I'm sure he's real.
    Don't try to run away, He'll cut your achilles' heel."

    The opener was one of my favorite parts. Just kind of gave an image of what was going on. Enjoyed it really.

    Please RTF on my verse in THIS SONG. It is the second verse.

  9. #9
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    Re: Nightmare Experiance

    More feed, please?

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