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Thread: Sharing the Dawn

  1. #1
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    Sharing the Dawn

    Sharing the Dawn
    by Stock


    Youthful people in future age’s
    proclaiming victory for our globe,
    a 'come together'
    in forever fields of green,
    a steal – a keep of memories,
    a flood of feelings fleeing -
    Littered walks of concrete mass,
    to bask their extra senses.

    See all these palest visions,
    dark momentums, liberated;
    from years of expression.
    Come together as one voice,
    hear the deejays blessed
    by rhythmic beats;
    In the stadium of light,

    Linger awhile, feel the heat,
    for these years, missed by many
    still clinging o forgotten hope,
    be the best years of their life.
    share the jokes around fires lit to
    take a chill and talk a talk of freedom;
    tell us of your stories,


    Listen to the tale,
    Boulevard of Broken Dreams


    This accident black spot
    ate teenagers and excreted urban myths.
    You’ll have heard the one about the kids who
    drunk, skidded into it, leapt
    through the windscreen more
    grudgingly graceful than showroom dummies,
    died and gave birth to a bed of flowers.

    One week later,
    two more kids of the same age
    took the same corner at the
    same speed, just as drunk,
    hit it at the same angle,
    same make of car but survived for
    the impact was cushioned by the
    snowdrift of flowers,
    cards and teddy bears piled high.

    A few months later,
    once the news had done its rounds,
    a crazy man drove full pelt into it,
    bollards breaking neck as the molar doth a twiglet,
    wearing no seatbelt,
    no airbag, nothing but a
    full-size, top-to-toe
    teddy suit.


  2. #2

  3. #3
    as ain't Jamhuri's Avatar
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    Re: Sharing the Dawn

    I liked this piece. I kind of relate to it, feeling like Im at that accident black spot in my life and i want to be an exception.
    i liked the irony in the crazy man dornin a teddy suit, after the kid'd been saved by one. Great poem, i must say.

    rtf when you can.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...407/index.html

  4. #4
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Re: Sharing the Dawn

    This is interesting because the style and diction changes halfway through. I have to admit, I didn't like the first half, before the bolded line. A lot of it sounded without any emotion or meaning, although I know it wasn't meant to sound that way. It was good as a leadup to explaining the havok and folly of youth/our times. There were just certain things in there that didn't really add to the poem as a whole. I didn't understand why you threw in something about djs. It was also off to me using "chill" as it seemed out of place. I thought some of the lines seemed a bit cliche too, but I can see what you were trying to do with some of it by using it as a bridge to build off of. I guess if I could offer any advice it would be that you should try to be more consistent with certain things. While it can be good, using emphasis and whatnot, to switch between certain 'levels' of vocab in a poem, it didn't really work here (see 'doth' line). Also try to write without being so direct. The first part of the poem was like this.

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