.../Suicidal Thoughts\...

[Dobblekick]

I keep a secret from the world, its locked away in my brain.
Anticipating silence from the heavens and waiting for hell to send my pain.
The devil creeps in with a grin and grasps a knife in his right hand.
With my last breath my arms stretch to grab the bible on my night stand.
Protect me lord, for I’m sorry I caused so much evil.
I would have never expected the giving of your wings to turn out to be so lethal.
Please guide me to the light in the sky where I can stand by your side.
At this point in time it might be better for us both that you just take my life.
Take me to that better place, let me live there for forever and beyond.
Lord teach me to walk across the water that your feet once set foot on.
Take me on the same journey, nail my hands to that same cross.
Lead me to a palace in the clouds where its only your life you’ve lost.
Give me that set of wings lord, even though I know I didn’t earn them.
What’s the point of creating lives and then letting the devil take and burn them?
Instilling hatred in the world is all that concerns him.
Once he grabs hold of souls there is no chance that he'll return them.
Except mine... I've found a way out and I bought a one way ticket to heaven.
I'll wait at those gates for as long as it takes for me to get in.
I just can't stand it here anymore living in this hell on earth.
I wake up everyday and each step that I takes just hurts.
I know that my mom is gunna cry and be sad that her baby boy went first
But this knife in my hand keeps tellin me to help these veins burst...
I asked for your guidance and never heard back on whether or not I should
So all I ask now is that you protect me just like the pastor said you would...



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...in-399974.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ld-399975.html

[JJHankz]

Wow.
I Like this alot.
Its very deep and i'm definately feeling it although at points i find the flow hard to keep.
Ignore me though, thats probably me not you.
Keep it up man, I'd like to read more from you

[Dobblekick]

yeah my flow wasn't the best on this one. I was just trying to vent a little bit through words. glad you liked it! haha

[Issue]

I keep a secret from the world, its locked away in my brain.
Anticipating silence from the heavens and waiting for hell to send my pain.
The devil creeps in with a grin and grasps a knife in his right hand.
With my last breath my arms stretch to grab the bible on my night stand.
Protect me lord, for I’m sorry I caused so much evil.
I would have never expected the giving of your wings to turn out to be so lethal.
Please guide me to the light in the sky where I can stand by your side.
At this point in time it might be better for us both that you just take my life.
Take me to that better place, let me live there for forever and beyond.
Lord teach me to walk across the water that your feet once set foot on.
Take me on the same journey, nail my hands to that same cross.
Lead me to a palace in the clouds where its only your life you’ve lost.
Give me that set of wings lord, even though I know I didn’t earn them.
What’s the point of creating lives and then letting the devil take and burn them?
Instilling hatred in the world is all that concerns him.
Once he grabs hold of souls there is no chance that he'll return them.
Except mine... I've found a way out and I bought a one way ticket to heaven.
I'll wait at those gates for as long as it takes for me to get in.
I just can't stand it here anymore living in this hell on earth.
I wake up everyday and each step that I takes just hurts.
I know that my mom is gunna cry and be sad that her baby boy went first
But this knife in my hand keeps tellin me to help these veins burst...
I asked for your guidance and never heard back on whether or not I should
So all I ask now is that you protect me just like the pastor said you would...



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...in-399974.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ld-399975.html

My first thought is how bad & stretched it looks like that, & how I'd have preferred this...

Suicidal Thoughts


I keep a secret from the world, its locked away in my brain.
Anticipating silence from the heavens and waiting for hell to send my pain.
The devil creeps in with a grin and grasps a knife in his right hand.
With my last breath my arms stretch to grab the bible on my night stand.
Protect me lord, for I’m sorry I caused so much evil.
I would have never expected the giving of your wings to turn out to be so lethal.
Please guide me to the light in the sky where I can stand by your side.
At this point in time it might be better for us both that you just take my life.
Take me to that better place, let me live there for forever and beyond.
Lord teach me to walk across the water that your feet once set foot on.
Take me on the same journey, nail my hands to that same cross.
Lead me to a palace in the clouds where its only your life you’ve lost.
Give me that set of wings lord, even though I know I didn’t earn them.
What’s the point of creating lives and then letting the devil take and burn them?
Instilling hatred in the world is all that concerns him.
Once he grabs hold of souls there is no chance that he'll return them.
Except mine... I've found a way out and I bought a one way ticket to heaven.
I'll wait at those gates for as long as it takes for me to get in.
I just can't stand it here anymore living in this hell on earth.
I wake up everyday and each step that I takes just hurts.
I know that my mom is gunna cry and be sad that her baby boy went first
But this knife in my hand keeps tellin me to help these veins burst...
I asked for your guidance and never heard back on whether or not I should
So all I ask now is that you protect me just like the pastor said you would...

You see how it looks neater & not so vast? That doesn't just make it look pretty but it stops the whole structure from looking so heavy & bold, & then helps the flow of the overall piece because the reader isn't overcome with big arse lettering lol.


Once you get past the sudden influence of the giant words you realise that beneath it there is quite a stellar piece wrote here man. You deserve props. A lot of your vocabulary was strong, & despite in effect you lost a bit of your flow in the centre of the whole thing, I thought lines such as,

Give me that set of wings lord, even though I know I didn’t earn them.
What’s the point of creating lives and then letting the devil take and burn them?
Instilling hatred in the world is all that concerns him.
Once he grabs hold of souls there is no chance that he'll return them.

They were fantastic, it was a very emotional couplet of bars that told the story of the Devil well, & why you're afraid. It impressed me. The closing bar was very strong too, & if the readers can get past the initial fault in the font, this is a very good piece.


Well done, Dobbin


Please return the favour & feed my piece,

Revelry

[Ace_of_Fenix]

I agree with Issue the regular txt seems a lot neater and easier to read but I think i see where u were goin with how u did it like suicidal thots arent supposed to be nice and neat theyre supposed to be unconventional and untamed right? I actually just did a OM that was dark mine wasn't too spiritual tho not knockin urs tho cuz im really diggin it... let me know wut u think