my mission + a quick keystyle

[PHARMACIST]

a topical/ open mic i did on my other site like a week ago maybe so dont hate
all feed is appreciated

MY MISSION
I have found my self to be left alone, family is dead and gone
now the worlds spun wrong, to reveal a life never shone
no phones no wires but instead oil fields on fire
coughing and gagging on a smell of burning rubber tires
no green just a land of savaged waste
for a salad i strive, for just one taste
its a dissaster, the world is ripped and tattered
im all that matters but it feels as if my bones will shatter
with every step i take, everyday i awake
for heavens sake lord just give me a lake
something to bathe in refresh my soul
but instead every minute i fall deeper in the hole
i cant get out the light is fading away faster and faster
a child of the dammed i have missed the rapture
i am stuck in this world, so is this really hell?
to my wife and kids i am sorry i failed
no emotions to wail no wind for me to set sail
i shoulda stayed close why did i up and bail
life is slipping the time bomb is ticking
consciousness returns and my gun is just clicking
reload oh no im out of ammunition
now only to survive is my ambition
im obligated to serve and protect
but if your dead, whats that motto reflect?
my mind is made, i know the what i must face
tempor begins to flare adrenillin starts to race
i run for the base but suddenly hit now i have disrupted vision
sent to a facillity, where am I? What was my mission

a quick key style i did as well

call me luis or clark cuz PHARM makin a settlement
with punches like switch blades that leave torsos irrelavent,
ha im intellegent with my spits... GET OFF MY LINES
get ya thrown out 'of court' quicker than speedin fines
dress in a matalic suit under the light youll never shine
cuz the Pharm put ya down quicker than pigs with the swine*

pharm= farm swine flu going around comes from pigs *

[PHARMACIST]

fed first by damage c

[Jove]

the topical was better than the keystyle.

topical was nice, good flow and decent rhymes with it. i didnt really understand the concept, but other than that it was good.

the keystyle didnt flow perfectly, and wasnt the best in the rhyme department, but the punches and metaphors were straight.

[PHARMACIST]

^^its called a cliff hanger,, your talkin about one thing that in the precense could have the meaning as another like i changed it to be at the end, the guy is in a war zone some could call a war zone hell.
the guy left his family to go to war hence the line up and bailed on his family. i make you believe that the story is about one thing but then as you read you realize its about a guy who is in a war missing his family probably been out in the battle zone for a few days with limited food supply then in the end he returns to a normal state of mind and realizes he is infact in a war and not hell i was going to keep the end going finish it out but if i did that there would be no since in the quote un-quote cliff hanger i through in at the end

i guess you could say it keeps you on your toes to find out what happens next

[PHARMACIST]

1 more up

[PHARMACIST]

feed please

[Wordz AhGod.]

ok, i liked how you told your story by beating around the bush rather then taking the direct aproach.. you used some pretty good metaphore at the end that got my attencion. the flow made a good read rather then a song so im assuming that was the feel you wanted. i give this a 6.5 maybe a 7. your keystyle was wak lolz.

[Speed Ice]

Yeah word up with the rest,topical was better than the freestyle diss.The ending was twisted and that made the story interesting.Some lines were great,some were average.Flow was fine.

The freestyle concept of swine flu-pigs-farm was some how disconnected and didn't work for me.The only line which stood out was :
"get ya thrown out 'of court' quicker than speedin fines"
^but then it wasn't too fresh.

Good work.

[Issue]

a topical/ open mic i did on my other site like a week ago maybe so dont hate
all feed is appreciated

MY MISSION
I have found my self to be left alone, family is dead and gone
now the worlds spun wrong, to reveal a life never shone
no phones no wires but instead oil fields on fire
coughing and gagging on a smell of burning rubber tires
no green just a land of savaged waste
for a salad i strive, for just one taste
its a dissaster, the world is ripped and tattered
im all that matters but it feels as if my bones will shatter
with every step i take, everyday i awake
for heavens sake lord just give me a lake
something to bathe in refresh my soul
but instead every minute i fall deeper in the hole
i cant get out the light is fading away faster and faster
a child of the dammed i have missed the rapture
i am stuck in this world, so is this really hell?
to my wife and kids i am sorry i failed
no emotions to wail no wind for me to set sail
i shoulda stayed close why did i up and bail
life is slipping the time bomb is ticking
consciousness returns and my gun is just clicking
reload oh no im out of ammunition
now only to survive is my ambition
im obligated to serve and protect
but if your dead, whats that motto reflect?
my mind is made, i know the what i must face
tempor begins to flare adrenillin starts to race
i run for the base but suddenly hit now i have disrupted vision
sent to a facillity, where am I? What was my mission

Lose the "keystyle", it was awful.

The topical was half decent, you touched on some interesting expressions, but I also think you were lucky for this piece. If you understand, a poem like this has been done a thousand times, from the perspective of all involved; the soldier, his family, the enemy, etc, I think I've ever seen it from the perspective of a gun and a bullet lol, but you have to admit that this isn't a new topic to base something on, so a lot of what you say has already been said.

The reason I think your lucky is because the things you touched on, such as wanting the salad, were really good I think but I also think you just used them because they rhymed. Forgive me if not, but from the rest of the piece, I think the salad line stood out because of the line that preceeded it about a green land and savaged waste. If you would have elaborated on certain aspects here, then it would have been a tidy little piece, but it was so sudden and everytime you mentioned something you were off on about something else. It was all concepts bunched together and you never stuck on anything, if you've gonna create a war story you have to at least come across like you've thought about stuff and use something that is emotive and sounds good, this piece lacked emotion. It looks like you have only just taken up writing, which is good and I cant hate this for that, but there are certain aspects you need to improve upon.


If the ending is supposed to be a cliffhanger, then you need to lose it because it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece.



Return the favour with mine bro,

<-- Anna Maria

[PHARMACIST]

Lose the "keystyle", it was awful.

The topical was half decent, you touched on some interesting expressions, but I also think you were lucky for this piece. If you understand, a poem like this has been done a thousand times, from the perspective of all involved; the soldier, his family, the enemy, etc, I think I've ever seen it from the perspective of a gun and a bullet lol, but you have to admit that this isn't a new topic to base something on, so a lot of what you say has already been said.

The reason I think your lucky is because the things you touched on, such as wanting the salad, were really good I think but I also think you just used them because they rhymed. Forgive me if not, but from the rest of the piece, I think the salad line stood out because of the line that preceeded it about a green land and savaged waste. If you would have elaborated on certain aspects here, then it would have been a tidy little piece, but it was so sudden and everytime you mentioned something you were off on about something else. It was all concepts bunched together and you never stuck on anything, if you've gonna create a war story you have to at least come across like you've thought about stuff and use something that is emotive and sounds good, this piece lacked emotion. It looks like you have only just taken up writing, which is good and I cant hate this for that, but there are certain aspects you need to improve upon.


If the ending is supposed to be a cliffhanger, then you need to lose it because it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece.



Return the favour with mine bro,

<-- Anna Maria

the salad line should have been a land of salvaged waste and in that tense there is nothing no green no food or nothing so there for he was striving for a salad or anything

[AlphaMetric]

the flow wasnt bad but i dont really feel it,,, the vocab was soso... the story was too bad in it self.... the metaphore at in the key was dope tho.... I can see much improvement to be done here tho..

[Well Versed]

that was pretty good mayn...not ya key tho...sry just take that off...flow was good...ummmm idk how to say this...u didnt hook me with ya writingz...ur message was clear...n ya metaphorz came thru...but probly not as hard as u wanted...wordin is very important when u are writing...anyway...good flow..ok conceptz...ok vocab...some good metaphorz...i wud just work on my wordin (im currently doin this myself)...GOOD DROP n KEEP ON WRITING BRUH!!!

yo RTF on any of my drops...