I Love You to Death

[Alphaeus]

I Love You to Death
by Stock


I love you in the undertone;
let me count the ways
kissing your ear as I plunge in devotion,
moulding my dermis to your bones.
I love you more than time it’s self,
I care more for you, than me;
you’re frame is what I aspire to adore,
picture perfect you are an original.
Knowing you’ve hidden secrets inside,
I want to lay beside you
with one hand above your heart;
the pulse in my thumb beats along
with the percussion in your ribcage.
Feed me your love with finest silver;
let me taste your sweetness;
go forth and mark my territory.
I, the welcome mat to your home,
stand over me – wipe your feet;
leave your mark upon my body.
My osmium claws seize you,
when nobody else is in your sights.
One pawn blanketing your heart,
I sense your dieing ode;
my hand then clasping the machete
swiftly whispering I love you.
Nevertheless do you detect
the stainless steel ripping your flesh?
Why else would I move close to you;
especially on a dark night like this,

The phrase ‘I love you’ on repeat,
today; New York and our love,
can stay asleep…

[Alphaeus]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...dy-396552.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...en-395454.html

[Nik Caese]

I love you in the undertone;
let me count the ways
kissing your ear as I plunge in devotion,
moulding my dermis to your bones.
I love you more than time it’s self,

Knowing you’ve hidden secrets inside,
I want to lay beside you
with one hand above your heart;
the pulse in my thumb beats along
with the percussion in your ribcage.
Feed me your love with finest silver;
let me taste your sweetness;
go forth and mark my territory.
I, the welcome mat to your home,
stand over me – wipe your feet;
leave your mark upon my body.
My osmium claws seize you,
when nobody else is in your sights

Aight yo its simple like this... I'm diggin it haha. not the entire piece but for the most part its good enough to keep me interest throught the whole poem. If u can do that without me dozing off or just saying got damn this nigga garbage. find more ways to keep the reader interested... more depth is what i'm talking about. you strait yo... just need elevating, darker conception for this type of piece. Word

Caese

[Soul Slayer]

I on the other hand think this was written close to perfection.... I guess you know by know that, people will interpret poems differently so feedback will differ according to how each of us take it but this was nice my dude. I liked the use of poetic devices in this piece. It is what made it that much more enjoyable to follow. Sweet and short.

[Alphaeus]

Thanks Sci.

[obseqious]

interesting peice i thought it was a little bland , i thought your word play was very good, excelent vocab but the exspresion itself, is what it lacked, i can connect with the thoughts, but i dont see or feel any emotion sorry......
again this is only one persons thoughts, as long as you wrote this poem for you or somone you love, then you can never be wrong!!!!!