Beautiful. [Soule & Jonathon]

[Soule]

Beautiful
By Soule and Jonathon




Porcelain – milk; or baby powder
the soft skin that I remember...
Just another morning routine,
meet, love, leave, leave love...
But the dirt outshines the meat.
This fruit of a relationship;
not dense, yet it still doesn't float our boat.
I close my eyes, and see you;
Miss Everything...
I miss everything.
Stubborn hearts make tough people,
& vice versa, but you wish it was that way.
No longer, no... No longer are we,
outside it's play, every day...
It is a play & we are actors, on a stage.
I wish though, if I had another penny –
let the stage just another re-run...
Remembering the good ones,
the times when clocks didn't matter...
If only things were the same,
but now the pain is different...

Swallow a bullet in this game of Russian Roulette,
sorry the angels weren't there to rescue you again.
Ignore me for laughing as you bleed on your dress,
it just reminds me of a child painting off the canvas.

Your golden locks remind me of crystal under the sun,
shining like my Cadillac & attracting my dire attention.
Skin shows the resemblance of a cloud in the morning,
like you've seen a ghost, your cold to the very touch.

The leaves of Autumn follow you like cars on a train,
it's a radiance around you while everything else is gray.
I'd tell you something, but I guarantee you know,
you're so beautiful, that it's impossible to see your pain.

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...rd-395057.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...im-394901.html

[Soule]

leave links.

[Soule]

I'm gonna crucify somebody..

[Jon]

please... feed

[Vince]

The leaves of Autumn follow you like cars on a train,
it's a radiance around you while everything else is gray.
I'd tell you something, but I guarantee you know,
you're so beautiful, that it's impossible to see your pain.

These lines really stood out to me or whatever I was really feeling the imagery.
I like how were relating to the season of autumn almost as a 'Dawn'....thats symbolic of a person's like inner glow or whatever.....
There was alot of quotables in this piece altogether.
The tone in this piece seemed a little more subtle than usual......
I've more emotional and more heartfelt pieces from you...
but this piece here, I don't know for some reason it kinda seemed like the onset to another bigger piece.

I think maybe you should lengthen this and add a little more drama to it.

RTF:
Amethyst Teardrops.

[Soule]

Thanks, this is being SLEPT ON!

[Bloom.Quist]

I'm not sure who's work is who's, but...

First stanza
loved the flow. At first it felt choppy and much too 'stop&go' to put up with, but the more I read on the more I noticed that the punctuation and short pauses in the middle of the also short lines caused for a nice rhythm that I don't see in many writings. I really liked this line in particular:

But the dirt outshines the meat.
This fruit of a relationship;
not dense, yet it still doesn't float our boat.

thought that was very nice.

Second, third, and fourth stanza
At first, I didn't catch on with the structure of where you were going. If you were purposefully going for a slant rhyme on the end of your lines, or if it was supposed to just freeverse an ironically it was just kind of there. No matter, I still enjoyed it. I thought maybe you were paying a little too much attention to sound & rhyme, that you kind of strayed from the content, but not too bad. Whenever you rhyme ANYTHING, just make sure the content is leading the rhyme, not the rhyme forcing what you're talking about simply for how the word will sound. That's why I don't rhyme, I can't pull it off on a level I see fit .

Good from both of you, whoever's verse is whos.

[Jon]

Thanks, mine was first...

[Soule]

Word, I didn't try to rhyme at all lol. It just kind of did they way I worded things. Thanks Luke.

[Bloom.Quist]

My bad. Sorry bradda. I probably misread it.

[Dan 'V]

I really liked this collabaration, even though both styles of writer were different you brought the piece over to the reader.
Bringing the story to life with your words and langauge made the read very nice to me as a reader, I enjoyed it alot.
The piece was started well and ended well, taking notice from each of the writers and their own styles and bringing forward the best of both of you.

Please RTF
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ng-395687.html