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Thread: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

  1. #1
    Soule
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    In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    In Their Early Dawn
    "A Personal Piece"

    Soule
    Stock




    He woke up one Friday morning as the rain was pouring,
    by his snoring lover, hugged her with one touch adoring.
    His thoughts laid boring but caught onto a new subject,
    some said she'd been acting funny, something to suspect?
    They'd connect lips with a simple kiss to allow sunshine,
    one time, then another for the lovers to let out some lies.
    The line between tired and fire drew across her pale face,
    a snail race for words between the two with a frail pace.
    He'd bail grace by questioning her love & asking of a son,
    cat got her tongue, he picked up a feeling that just stung.
    His tears would run because he knew it was nothing,
    but it’s something in his mind; a cry of mistrust or loving?
    The sun stings his watery eyes, a groggy sight misleads,
    sleeping on a couch tonight or might she try to ditch me?
    As she sat upward, he laughed unheard as her mind slept,
    the night's dead, but a wise man would try to fight dread.
    Causing her depression by his judgment, she was broken,
    open a door- he'd kneel to the floor, she'd just shown him.


    emotions awake,
    depression comes out to play;
    our words go to waste.



    They parted ways to start the day on a better journey,
    he worried about her & she hurried every word but never too early.
    Surely, they’d speak on the phone back home or they’d meet again,
    his dreams would spin, waking up from a nap at Main street’s end.
    Her friends just drag on about the last prom and how he ruined it,
    she’d laugh some, the past’s done and her heart gives a fluent shift.
    He’d already been forgiven and is livin’ happily behind her eyes,
    to disguise the flies swarming around her lies as she tried to hide.
    Within days, mom and her would pray but her stomach just grew,
    & if he knew, what would he do? This thought just stuck like glue.
    Is it too soon? Or will his parents build a tomb and keep him from me?
    Will he let our baby go hungry? Maybe it’s ugly, a buzzard’s lunch meat?

    Actually he’ll be a great father, won’t try to escape and will bother,
    he will feel stronger, just by the sole sight of his life filled monster.
    To kill or slaughter the image that he’d be angry with the decision,
    she’s going to tell him tonight, that they’re bringing life in a prism.
    Her friends are talking again, walking in circles like headless chickens,
    pushing her every limit until that’s it! I really do not need this bitches!


    her thoughts now impure,
    questioned by other’s actions –
    he exists in darkness.



    He slowly opened her door as she spread across the floor,
    she asked for his hand and the man in him asked what for?
    Straight to the core, her eyes began to flicker so he slithered,
    I had a tough day & my rough faith in us makes me shiver.
    But I believe that you and I will breathe together for awhile
    and now we’ve got ourselves a trial…

    He tells her not another word, the nonsense is absurd,
    he’ll cure the hurt that scars beneath the surface that burns.
    There’s nothing they can’t do or say, the pain flew away,
    her tears were of happiness and his were of blue and gray.
    Their not afraid and it’s like a bridge transmits their minds,
    Never saw it coming, the numbing of this stare in his eyes.
    She was surprised by his smooth touch,
    and if she must, she’d kiss him twice on his crud scruff.
    She stood up to breathe, her need to tell him built some more,
    he reached into his pocket, lost it then dropped it on the floor.
    She saw it, then covered her face to replace the cherry cheeks,
    he dropped to a knee, then quickly asked her will you merry me?


    ever lasting love,
    let us be as one, together;
    make me human again.

    Last edited by Soule; April 10th, 2009 at 10:12 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Epic Logue's Avatar
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    That.. was an amazing read. One of the best drops I've read in OM, I don't really feel like pointing lines out to say which ones I liked more and this and that but you catch my drift. You plan on recording this?

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  4. #4
    Soule
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    nope.. thanks mate.

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Epic Logue's Avatar
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    Aww dude, I think this would sound awesome recorded, but no prob.

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  6. #6
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    Great written bro,
    very personal to you and a lot of meaning, raw emotion behind the lines and the words used, I really liked it, your best OM by far.
    Rhyme scheme was done very nicely and tight through-out, flow was nice and steady and you got some nice touches of imagery into your writing.
    Thanks for asking me to help out - a pleasure.

    Nom'd

  7. #7
    Soule
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    Thanks dude, really appreciate it.

  8. #8
    Same OG Sting3r's Avatar
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    Cool story. very detailed and full of well worded scenes. As far as lyricism and multi, a bit more of that would really keep the reader focused, that may cause you to sacrifice a little content, but it's worth it, if you're looking for people to want to keep reading. in it's entirety; a cool story like I said. the second verse was my favorite, and the ending (kinda saw coming) was good. Worth the read to me. Glad you asked me to read it.

    surely, i have no idea why stock even had a hand in this.. it's so little..! lmao
    $usernamejoshs

    $9.99 for an unbiased vote
    $14.99 full breakdown vote

  9. #9
    Soule
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    I asked him to do some Haiku shit to make it all tie in. Thanks. And I'm a storyteller, multies aren't my style.

  10. #10
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    Up.

  11. #11
    Expression Is Everything XM's Avatar
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    Ok so lil Bell has greatly improved in his writing ability you've came along way from back in the day i have to honestly admit i am extremely impressed at this drop, you controlled the entire piece with emotion which stood out the most out of the entire piece, I am actually proud out how far you've come along since your writing has matured along with your mind this is definatly the best i have seen from you throughout the years of elevating in some areas it seems a tad bit bland and not of my taste but this is was i expect from you to put your emotion over all as you know i am audio so flow is a big thing for me and so is vocabulary but your really got this all together except for flow other then that somewhat a perfect display of writing second best dorp i have read today. Props on the drop comrade
    Where the fuck was I fore they found me?
    Floatn in a meadow, dragonflies all around me
    Seeded in a ghetto, smokin cigarellos
    Stress oceans try to drown me
    Walking on water like when Christ did, glidin
    Mic in my plam like the trident in the hand of Poseidon

  12. #12

    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    Wow... this was really good... you really put a lot of emotion into it which made me feel like i was there as i was reading it... flow was nice to... was a really easy read amazing job on this one... cant wait to read more from you in the future.

    Theres a link in my signature of you could return some feedback i would appreciate it greatly


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  13. #13
    Soule
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    I got you, thanks man.

  14. #14
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Kapital J's Avatar
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    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    I have to agree wit everybody else this was an amazing peice. Normally I get bored easil wit poetry but not dis one
    You just wanna be super but your as simple as it gets
    Some get the pooper scooper cuz I just shit on this kid!!

    Kapital J aka "Imperial Trigga"
    ©

  15. #15
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: In Their Early Dawn - A Personal Read

    Gracias.

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