Forgiven Too.

[Soule]

Forgiven Too

Written by Jon Dagel.


He walks through avenue boulevard,
head hung over but he's not hungover.
Bleeding clearly through a broken heart,
hoping that it's okay and their not over.

He's lied to her, one too many times,
but she's still standing in the doorway.
And he cries on her shoulder endlessly,
while her kisses let him know it's okay.

Still feeling guilty from what he's done,
he wants to die but she is on his mind.
Behind him is his heart, a newborn son,
with her caressed skin and his blue eyes.

Like his father,
he can be forgiven too.
It's been while,
but he'll listen through.
Just 'cus daddy left,
don't give you the right.
Since you love this woman,
you must stay and fight.

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ne-390733.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...em-385401.html

[Alphaeus]

Ok let’s do this...

He walks through avenue boulevard,
head hung over but he's not hungover.
Bleeding clearly through a broken heart,
hoping that it's okay and their not over.

I thought this was a nice opener,
your second line was really well worded, it was simple but read dope.
You started off well but didn't reveal to much to the reader,
opener was strong and on point.
Third line was strong and again stood out, a great choice of words.

He's lied to her, one too many times,
but she's still standing in the doorway.
And he cries on her shoulder endlessly,
while her kisses let him know it's okay.

Again a nice little set up here,
your first and second lines went well together,
You delivered a brilliant image to me as the reader.
I liked the way you ended the stanza, great imagery.
Strong word choice and on point.

Still feeling guilty from what he's done,
he wants to die but she is on his mind.
Behind him is his heart, a newborn son,
with her caressed skin and his blue eyes.

This part is where you upped the emotion a lot I think,
this was from the heart friend, and it just came across fantastic.
The middle section is really well delivered, worded and thought out.
I really enjoyed this verse, good job.

Like his father,
he can be forgiven too.
It's been while,
but he'll listen through.
Just 'cus daddy left,
don't give you the right.
Since you love this woman,
you must stay and fight.

First to line's must mean something to you, it's just the way you chose to word them, i
ts the first feeling I got upon reading.
This is really strong and you are playing to your strengths here.
You made this look effortless.
Detailed vivid imagery and description that instantly leads to great images for the reader.

Well done mate, an awesome read.

[Alphaeus]

Please,

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...gn-391567.html

x