Drifting In An Eternity of Night

[AceDaKid]

Drifting In An Eternity of Night

The raft moving along the water, but it doesnt seems like its moving at all
it seems like all life surrounding has come to a stall
So appalled, seems like Im drifting along
Like Im in space, only thing I can reach for is the stars
But it take so long to reach that far
I think its be better for me to leap to Mars
it leaves me to contemplate... if i should jump into the water
I dont believe in suicide so id be a hypocritical martyr
It feels like whats left is wrong, so whats right is when I write
Man feels like Im drifting in an eternity of night

Its so ironic, those who are cold-hearted
Will forever be burned in hell cause with God, they parted
So the ice in their heart will be cleansed
But the exchange is that they will meet their end
Forever gone, forever burning
Forever alone, Forever yearning
Begging for a second chance of life
as they are drifting in an eternity of night

Journeyless, so dont have to hurry unless
I have an oppurtunity of death
Cause the nights so soulless
And the life that we are trying to be holdin
is worthless, just pain thats hurtin
and salvation is perfect
cause Im so sick of this earth shit
Rather be chillin with Jesus,
But the devil is lurkin
So gotta keep up in this world, stay in the fight
Cause trust me human life feels like
Drifting in an eternity of night

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nt-388454.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...es-388398.html

[dlite]

i really like the title of this piece

that sentence has a great feel to it

this was a pretty well executed piece

pretty unique rhyme scheme altho some lines could have been worded more effectively

for ex,,,,,its so ironic, those who are cold-hearted
Will forever be burned in hell cause with God, they parted

but there were also some really well worded lines like

it leaves me to contemplate... if i should jump into the water
I dont believe in suicide so id be a hypocritical martyr

its funny cuz i thought this piece would be more philosophical n abstract

but u really begin to feel the angst in the first verse,,,very relatable

that feeling of wanted to end it but knowing that it isnt the correct path

"cause Im so sick of this earth shit"

that line really sums up the viewpoint of the piece imo

it is a shitty feeling to not be content with a situation that there is no way to change

ur grade,,,,,B-

i liked the concept n u stayed on topic

the technical aspects could def use a rewrite to tighten up

the loose ends

good shit though most pieces i feed wont even get a B

my advice would be to reread ur pieces a couple extra times

when i do this i always notice things that need to be changed

keep it up homie

one

[AceDaKid]

much love fam, uppin

[AceDaKid]

no love? bump