D-Day Ft. Hawk

[Sting3r]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ab-388182.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ie-387456.html


Josh S.
Sulfur Island, 1945
[American forces]

There's the Shrapnel flying, lifting & prying I'm trying
while Japs are dieing and lying with Fits of crying..
sick of fighting with bloody fatigues we try to lead
With no sign of peace we're fighting to be finally free
Furthering reach, but it's hard to cope this far from hope
but bighearted folks invoking most so close to the slope
No room to choke, Because our country on our backs
tight with pride like our whole countries got our backs
When one man goes down we pick up the slack
On this up hill mission where the fifth division is at
The lift was vivid, in fact we had a minute to pack
& set out with a goal that would be cemented in past
Back to the task, dodging Bergmann bullets of 8 millimeters
Sub-machine gun repeaters struck between our leaders
reached the end of it, a symbol setting it higher
& with one flash of a bulb, four men envisioned an empire

Hawk
Normandy landings, 1944
[British campaign]

We’ve been drenched for weeks, our fists clenched in grief
Deadlocked for months now due to our entrenched beliefs
The panel is fraught, but order us too dismantle his force
We’re isolated, with only an ocean to channel the thoughts
With graft and our work, we undertook the task with ardor
Our navel was solid, but what if the enemies craft was harder
We ferried straighter, then unloaded from varied freighters
As we stayed away from undertows, only to be buried later
We possessed no gauge for pity, yes, this stage was gritty
We think were insane… but it’s still far from major cities
Looked to the shore, bombs hit & we took too the floor
Artillery strikes ensured that we were shook to our corps
Some fell and then drowned, as i expelled with my rounds
How can years of evolution only lead to shells on the ground
The last I recall, I was laying on the pebbles in despair
…it was never my aim too meddle in affairs -Undertoes


-Seine river
-Cores
-Medal

[Sting3r]

Don't sleep on this..

[Sting3r]

But this is a cult classic!

[Sting3r]

how about, no yelling!

[Sting3r]

I'm really surprised this didn't get more feed.
Hawk's verse was hot.

[Spaz Incendio]

I'm really surprised this didn't get more feed.
Hawk's verse was hot.

but your name is a massive turn-off

I'll feed it tomorrow...I'm tired now...

[Spaz Incendio]

Ok...this is what I prefer from reading historical pieces: an underlying meaning, a reflection of self, and historically accurate facts. Most tend to fill out about 2 of these requirements for me but it takes all 3 to get a 9 rating and above. Needless to say, both of you only managed 1, so imagine my disappointment.

Technically, it's about what you expect from both of you, so no real complaint there, but my should never really delve into technicality because I like a proper conveyance of the story more than anything.

Lethal.......meh, I wanted more, this felt empty. Your wording wasn't fitting as Hawk's and I feel as if the only part that meant anything was the raising of the flag and the photographers that took it. Which was good because it's the only thing of relation to Iwo Jima (Sulfur Island) besides the mentioning of the Japs. I had no feeling of intense war, no feeling of country pride of which I know you wanted to express by way of saying

"tight with pride like our whole countries got our backs"

The fact is Iwo Jima was one of the most serious battles in American history and there are so many things that make it that...yet you chose only the raising of the flag. This verse is disappointing. 7.86/10


Hawk........you've yet to join us, I don't think you care about feedback from me, and you'll never know that Lethal actually posted this so I don't know why I should give you feed, but I will. My favorite part your piece was the wording. It captured, to me, the eyes of a historian whilst keeping in the context of telling your story in the first person. Also, I enjoyed that you tried to capture only a slight moment and get it right. It's not perfect, but it's a better approach than what Lethal was doing ( ). That said, the verse is pretty straightforward and I guess I don't have many complaints on that matter. Somehow, I just wish there was more to it. Your verse feels short. 8.32/10

[Sting3r]

the object was to capture an image or event that took place in that scenerio or battle.

I chose the flag..

so there was really no reason to talk about anything other than details and emotions surrounding that event. the verse isn't about a battle at all.. that should have been quite clear.

[Spaz Incendio]

the object was to capture an image or event that took place in that scenerio or battle.

I chose the flag..

so there was really no reason to talk about anything other than details and emotions surrounding that event. the verse isn't about a battle at all.. that should have been quite clear.

alright..might as well just post the last 2 lines and delete everything else then :hosea:

[Sting3r]

no, good feed

[Spaz Incendio]

isn't my avy dapper...I think so...

[BeKawZ.]

good shit, i've seen this before back on the home site.. (R>I>P)


Lethal, as usual multies & flow were on point.. I liked the concept an all in all you def held your own.

Hawk outshined You a lil bit, IMO, he had more emotion, an a better connection throughout the peice..

Neways stay up cheifs><>.. always enjoy reading yah shit.

[AceDaKid]

but bighearted folks invoking most so close to the slope

worded so well. brings out the flow and just drew me in as i was reading it.

reached the end of it, a symbol setting it higher
& with one flash of a bulb, four men envisioned an empire

great way to finish the first story in my opinion.

Looked to the shore, bombs hit & we took too the floor
Artillery strikes ensured that we were shook to our corps
Some fell and then drowned, as i expelled with my rounds
How can years of evolution only lead to shells on the ground

best part of both verses. the shells line made me shiver from the creativeness haha

both pieces were highly creative and told a very good story. However the second story was more creative in diction in my opinion. Still, it was overall really nice, keep it up fam