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Thread: The Shelter

  1. #1
    Fly in under the Radar. Tactixx's Avatar
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    The Shelter

    This was a verse for sacred scriptures....but my opponent no showed so Im postin this up for some feed....thanx




    THE SHELTER


    .........THE CONTINENTAL U.S.....2018.......



    A faded memory from his past remembers his daughter's first grasp
    His better half... A fallen angel with her mother's perfect laugh
    With his emotions masked he walks fast and then motions for a cab
    "Turn up the radio?" he asks and then rolls down the window a tad
    Tries to relax but in this future the globe is enamoured with war
    People anarchy torn, unjust lust for violence, thirsting for more
    The first thing he swore was that his ladies would always be safe
    In another mind-state he walks up the sidewalk and opens his gate
    Again he's hopin for steak, but notices no one had set the places
    Both wife and daughter almost looked fake with fear in their faces
    News bulletins live from Vegas shows most of the mass devastation
    Terrorists bomb Africa, and promise that was only a demonstration
    With no time wasted he gathers his family and all their belongings
    Off to find new lodgings, a new spot for their christmas stockings
    Reality's grip is shocking when he finds himself left to a choice
    You must protect your family now says the young man's inner voice
    His thoughts produce offerings for his offspring and his own life
    He then recalls a bomb shelter Grandpa built for him and his wife
    Right after World WarII erupted, now seeming intentional foresight
    "You went to the store right?" he asks & turns on the porch light
    "Your father lives north right?" he says, shutting the door tight
    They head to the country where they hope to find their salvation
    "The threat is now nuclear"is repeatedly aired on a radio station
    Its now clear panic grips the nation as they turn off the highway
    The mans plan now fully thought out as he pulls into the driveway
    "There's a shelter in back,take Caylee around and start to unpack"
    Takes out a letter & insurance cards and tucks them into a napsack
    "Go hand mommy that" he asks, hugs her and he knows time is short
    Constantly turning the stations for vital information of some sort
    Static interupts all news reports and shows the threat of violence
    "I left something back at the car" he says after an eerie silence
    He carresses their faces and knows, with them he will cry no more
    "Im sorry there is only room for two".....And he slams the Iron door




    2 Years Later.........



    The aftermath fills the air with darkened layers of smoke and ash
    And finally now little Caylee realizes why dad had stole the mask
    Misses him bad, and now no amount of comfort made her feel better
    With mother and child still together they had discovered a letter
    Begging forgiveness and stating he would always love them forever
    They found money he had tucked in her sweater, before he had gone
    He had given his own life so that his family could still carry on
    He had been left with no choice and he hoped they would understand
    Mommy walks with you in life and he'd quietly hold the other hand
    A bond unbreakable, and this resolute father's ultimate sacrifice
    Decisions he never questioned, even now in his infinite afterlife.....




    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ht-386353.html
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-386858.html

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  2. #2
    Banned Agony.'s Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    With no time wasted he gathers his family and all their belongings
    Off to find new lodgings, a new spot for their christmas stockings
    Reality's grip is shocking when he finds himself left to a choice
    You must protect your family now says the young man's inner voice
    His thoughts produce offerings for his offspring and his own life
    He then recalls a bomb shelter Grandpa built for him and his wife


    hot sht there man.


    This whole piece was creative. Nice imagery and everything.. Flow was pretty good. Kinda wish u used more vocab and multies. But it still was a well creative and solid pieace. Keep dropping sht like this.But overall i liked this drop fro myou bro..SCTSYO

    THEY HAVE YET TO SEE CRAZY

  3. #3
    Fly in under the Radar. Tactixx's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    thx man....up

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  4. #4
    Newbie silentAwedience's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    Damn dude, That shit was crazy.
    you story tell like few people can anymore. sad to see it as a talent lost to most of the hip-hop world.
    The concept of a man in a worn-torn world, thinking about his wife and daughters, etc. is kinda played, but you managed to keep it fresh, i was feelin' it man. good job

  5. #5
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    yea, i agree. i've seen pieces like this before. but, how you wrote it kept it fresh for me. sometimes your wording was forced for the sake of rhyme man, watch out for that. i gotta say, i wasn't expecting him to give his life for his wife & kids. that was a dope touch, man. & then the ending was cool, the picture fit everything perfectly. really good read.

  6. #6
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    yea, i agree. i've seen pieces like this before. but, how you wrote it kept it fresh for me. sometimes your wording was forced for the sake of rhyme man, watch out for that. i gotta say, i wasn't expecting him to give his life for his wife & kids. that was a dope touch, man. & then the ending was cool, the picture fit everything perfectly. really good read.

  7. #7

    Re: The Shelter

    yea i agree with burden.. i wasnt expecting that either.. so that gives you bonus points lol.. flow and shit was nice.. good shit fam i enjoyed this.. keep it up 1
    - K a y - O o o - R e a d y -

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  8. #8

    Re: The Shelter

    I really like the unique subject matter, really different from what you typically see in rap but that's not a bad thing at all if it's brought strong like I felt you did. Just the fact that your willing to step out the ordinary and do something new while also brining dope lines is great.

  9. #9
    Rosetti il Genio Rosetti Frost's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    pretty nice stuck to your topic and flowed madd good.........nice drop
    [YOUTUBE]QS8lbfHUI3Q[/YOUTUBE]

  10. #10
    contraband Lasix's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    tactixx. That was awesome. very well written. What part of this forum did you intened to drop that?

    How long did that take to write?

  11. #11
    Fly in under the Radar. Tactixx's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    Lasix...It was a piece I wrote for the "Sacred Scriptures" league....(they give you a topic or a pic and you get a few days to write a verse to it and battle someone elses verse on the same topic...people in the league vote and declare a winner....but my opponenet no showed so I posted this here...

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  12. #12
    Fly in under the Radar. Tactixx's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    Thx....for the feed guys....leave some links and I'll gladly read over your works...Peace...

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  13. #13
    Newbie silentAwedience's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    ^well now that you mention it...
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=387388
    not excellent in terms of written, but works well with the beat i made. Thanks, and again, really sick verse dude

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  14. #14
    You've Earned a Custom Title! IconIQ's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    A faded memory from his past remembers his daughter's first grasp
    His better half... A fallen angel with her mother's perfect laugh
    With his emotions masked he walks fast and then motions for a cab
    "Turn up the radio?" he asks and then rolls down the window a tad


    ^^ real nice vivid, concise way to open up. great flow that sets a rhythm for the rest of the piece too.

    The first thing he swore was that his ladies would always be safe
    In another mind-state he walks up the sidewalk and opens his gate
    Again he's hopin for steak, but notices no one had set the places
    Both wife and daughter almost looked fake with fear in their faces


    ^^ evocative imagery and contrast. nice.

    "You went to the store right?" he asks & turns on the porch light
    "Your father lives north right?" he says, shutting the door tight


    ^^ literary repetition being put to effective use, this couplet was dope.

    Static interupts all news reports and shows the threat of violence
    "I left something back at the car" he says after an eerie silence
    He carresses their faces and knows, with them he will cry no more
    "Im sorry there is only room for two".....And he slams the Iron door


    ^^ heh, i like the way he eases in to what he's about to do, just as they catch on, he's gone.

    He had been left with no choice and he hoped they would understand
    Mommy walks with you in life and he'd quietly hold the other hand
    A bond unbreakable, and this resolute father's ultimate sacrifice
    Decisions he never questioned, even now in his infinite afterlife.....


    ^^ solid way to close. the second bar was fire.

    this was a hell of a good read for me. imagery was on point, really brought out some 'Z for Zacariah' type feelings and images. flow was pretty much perfect. overall, just... pretty dope. hope to see more like this.

    if you want to rtf;
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-387468.html

    pz 1

  15. #15
    You've Earned a Custom Title! BEAZY813's Avatar
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    Re: The Shelter

    goddamn my nig!! Imagery was so fuckin good, I started eatin popcorn like watchin a fuckin movie,lol

    but seriously, nice drop my dude very inspiring, now i gotta go hit tha notepad,lol

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