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Thread: Ma Fate

  1. #1
    Newbie Heavy Christo C's Avatar
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    Arrow Ma Fate

    Hey, this is my second post, I'd appreciate feedback. Thanks.

    I Get On Stage......

    Im on stage, i have stage fright but i dont give a fuck,
    im actin all tough, puttin ma buck in da hat,
    da DJ plays a beat, n ma opponent start rappin trynna raise da heat,
    my turn but then.....
    Im stuck, cant think of words that ryhme,
    da clock's tickin im runnin outta time,
    da words are slowly mergin in my mind,
    i openin ma mouth but nuthins comin out, apperently im chokin now,
    lost da battle now im fucked especially wen i just spent ma last buck,
    got no where to go exept home, mamma gonna kill me wen she sees that im stoned,
    my adrenilines movin at da speed of dead mice,
    still shocked, i gave it all my thoughts,
    on my way out da words are rollin out like dice,
    i dont understand, my freestlyes are sick but when it comes for da clock to tick,
    im stuck, n then i lose my bucks,
    im pullin out ma gun, duno wut im doin, i mean harm to no one,
    i put it back in ma jacket,
    thinkin bout my opponents weakness,
    then i summarize it all n rap it,
    ''Dis guy looks like a rabbit, with his two stickin out teeth,
    as a matter a fact, look at his feet, they fkin smell worse then ham & cheese''
    i won da battle now, i gotta defend ma new tittle cuz im not gonna allow some bitch to take it away,
    this is ma life, this is ma fate,
    i walk in home, see a big file on da counter, its ma credit card debts,
    it says i spent 10000$ on airmiles??
    thats wierd, da last time i went on vacation was on New Years,
    i see another papper on da counter, its from ma girl,
    she tellin me its over, she wanted more,
    she wanted a bigger house, a faster car,
    she wanted to have a family, with a nice backyard,
    she said she was happy with me, now i understand all she wanted was the money,
    im cryin myself to sleep, recapin da events of da night,
    me winnin da underground title,
    ma girl leavin me cuz her money was vital,
    i chose one of the two which id rather have, n ma chose is crystal clear,
    its a pretty simple question.....
    what do i chose my girl or my rapping carrer??
    n da answer comes in ma head pretty fast, as i look back into da past,
    all the stress emotions rappin helped me to rid of,
    all da guilt n stress my girl put me in,
    ima keep rapping till i die, n ill win every battle that i try,
    rappings my fate,
    Last edited by Heavy Christo C; January 9th, 2009 at 09:17 PM

  2. #2
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    Re: Ma Fate

    this was pretty good
    some good lines in there

    got no where to go exept home, mamma gonna kill me wen she sees that im stoned,
    ^^
    I can relate to this, my moms used to trip when Id come home stoned!

    overall this was a little jumbly, all over the place. try to structure your lines more so that they're more perpendictular, if that makes n e sence!!

  3. #3
    Newbie Heavy Christo C's Avatar
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    Re: Ma Fate

    k thnxs

  4. #4

    Re: Ma Fate

    i agree with fazeT your flow was all over the place try counting the linse and syllables make sure it flows together i find it easy to find a flow by writing to a beat....
    other than that you had some really good stuff, once you get the flow down start working on multis similes metas and internals... leave some feed back on my newest post please
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6807166

  5. #5
    Newbie Heavy Christo C's Avatar
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    Re: Ma Fate

    sure

  6. #6
    Newbie Heavy Christo C's Avatar
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    Re: Ma Fate

    uppn ^^

  7. #7
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    Re: Ma Fate

    You May not Like To Hear this Man But You Need a Hella Work.....
    Your Flow Was all Over & Most of The Lines Were Blahhhh....
    I Seen What your Tryin To Do But Like I Said It Needs Work...
    Even out Your Lines & Correct Your Flow Then Work from Their...

    *NO HATE*.....Juss Truth...

  8. #8
    Newbie Heavy Christo C's Avatar
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    Re: Ma Fate

    yeh man i understand, thank for the feed though.

  9. #9
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    Re: Ma Fate

    I wasn't feeling this at all. The concept was weak and very played you know. I feel that the rhyme scheme was very sophomoric. I that you lines were extended and very stretched. All I can do is tell you what I think and its up to you to make the changes an elevate

  10. #10
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    Re: Ma Fate

    the lines weren't so bad yeah it was scattered but no one needs to be flawless i saw so much potential and this isnt hat you just havent hit the line yest but it is good
    ORDO ABACHO(ORDER OUT OF KAOS) CLICK
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    MASTER BLASTER
    LACK OF LOGIC
    DAMANI MIC MATITION
    ACIDIC
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    DeJureThaRaw
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    THE FAM IS LOCKED NO MORE APPLICATIONS PLEASE.






  11. #11
    Newbie Heavy Christo C's Avatar
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    Re: Ma Fate

    thanks

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