what you do with your time, defines the thin line
between your life and mine, and the feelings inside
but what makes us decide what to do with our lives
is what gives us the drive to succeed and survive
and in my minds eye there's no meaning to life
there's no god its a lie, cos I've seen with my eyes
and behind the disguise of amazement and deception
there's the dull realisation that answers my question.
This was very short but I felt that it had a good rhyme scheme to it and I think that it you keep working on throwing more imagery and detail in your work that it will begin to develop. Read writers like Ebolrama, Mr.Write, XCIII, Stock, and Blayde to get an idea buddy
Hey I liked this man; it seems the way your poem was setup kinda of takes away from where you were trying to head with it though. It was a good topic and like the fellow said above me with time you'll become more descriptive, etc.. good job none-the-less!
more detail plz??
short, nice rhyme scheme....
was realisation suposed to be realization?
nice, none the less
respect
thanks for the feedback guys, really appreciated.
What i wrote was basically my thought-line word for word as I came up with it, i didn't really try and meld it into a poem with imagery and detail because i thought it would take away from the simplicity of what i was trying to say.
What i was trying to convey is that it is our experiences that make us differ, and that sharing experiences with someone can let you see deep into someones deep, basic persona. I wrote it about a good mate of mine, we can talk openly about dark taboo topics that i cant talk to anyone else about, i.e suicide, and how we really feel about life and its meaning, yet we are so different when it comes to how we live on a day to day basis.
Anyhow enough ranting about my own poem, I just hope you guys can get some inspiration out of it.
Peace!
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