AC - Life

[AaronC]

AC - Life


Im gonna recite a tale
of a man who succeeded and failed, through hardship prevailed
but darkness was overwhelming his realm and he ended up nailed
from running an enterprise, to living on benefits and up in the sky
It was no surprise - He went to an alley and bought supplies
Thats the moment he brought disguise

4 A*s at the age of eighteen
he was attached to perfecting routine, to damn perfect like a machine
now including more toxins along with morphine
Although All under control and at his feet
He completed more courses so he could pack his resource a
and ride on the wagon pulled by the army of headless horses

at 20 he opened his sport store
and it werent long before he scored that beatiful chord
the girl of his dreams, that all mandem adored
But he joined gangs and went to war
Like a poison fang, with his boys all around him bang bang
viscious recreation of the taliban clan
They used guns but he used his hands

Hooked on Shit in little white bags
he wouldnt even share with comrades
the evil grin as he rolled the fags
his sins repeated as he cheated as he slept with slags
All downhill little by little, the stone in the lake - the ever expanding ripple

His addiction was driving him ill
every night depriving him of meals
he'd sit down and start feasting on handfuls of pills
crackhead soldier, he'd beat his enemies
then dive for the kill
Life wasnt the real deal, he was in a fantasy
like a drunk on skunk behind the madman's fury and zeal

Rehab didnt work, turned away by his church
the priest thought he was trouble and kicked him out on the double
and fucking all mighty only made his pain worse
deep down he was hurt, hed grab his punch bag and go berserk
or stay up late at night creating his verse
cos he positions other than coming first

and in his right hand a weapon for sure
he didnt know if could longer endure this fucked life that was tampered and obscure
but in his left a photo, that brought him back to reality
as he wandered the streets in messed up mentality
he was lost in the beats and the new life approaching brutality
he couldnt ride the roller coaster of life
and aimed for his temple with the barrel of a loaded revolver
every time he dropped the misleading life solver
one pop and the bleak future was over.

[AaronC]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...re-386274.html


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ne-386265.html

[AaronC]

Upppp

[AaronC]

Any Time now????? UPPPP! leave feed back

[IconIQ]

Im gonna recite a tale
of a man who succeeded and failed, through hardship prevailed
but darkness was overwhelming his realm and he ended up nailed
from running an enterprise, to living on benefits and up in the sky
It was no surprise - He went to an alley and bought supplies
Thats the moment he brought disguise


okay. first off, your structure and flow are pretty poor the whole way through, there are some really disjointed parts throughout. for example, well, your whole starting part. wording is important!

the girl of his dreams, that all mandem adored
But he joined gangs and went to war


holy shit, never say mandem again. thats the single shittiest piece of london slang ever. also;

Like a poison fang, with his boys all around him bang bang

^^ sounds corny.

Hooked on Shit in little white bags
he wouldnt even share with comrades
the evil grin as he rolled the fags
his sins repeated as he cheated as he slept with slags
All downhill little by little, the stone in the lake - the ever expanding ripple

^^ stop trying to force words just because they rhyme. if it rhymes, but sounds stupid, don't use it. eg comrades. it doesnt fit in with this piece, and it sounds terribly stilted in the bar.

he couldnt ride the roller coaster of life
and aimed for his temple with the barrel of a loaded revolver
every time he dropped the misleading life solver
one pop and the bleak future was over.


eh no hate, but kind of a weak ending. overall, this wasn't great honestly. work on your structure and flow, thats paramount. also start trying some more interesting rhymeschemes.

rtf;

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ne-386468.html

[AaronC]

Im gonna recite a tale
of a man who succeeded and failed, through hardship prevailed
but darkness was overwhelming his realm and he ended up nailed
from running an enterprise, to living on benefits and up in the sky
It was no surprise - He went to an alley and bought supplies
Thats the moment he brought disguise


okay. first off, your structure and flow are pretty poor the whole way through, there are some really disjointed parts throughout. for example, well, your whole starting part. wording is important!

the girl of his dreams, that all mandem adored
But he joined gangs and went to war


holy shit, never say mandem again. thats the single shittiest piece of london slang ever. also;

Like a poison fang, with his boys all around him bang bang

^^ sounds corny.

Hooked on Shit in little white bags
he wouldnt even share with comrades
the evil grin as he rolled the fags
his sins repeated as he cheated as he slept with slags
All downhill little by little, the stone in the lake - the ever expanding ripple

^^ stop trying to force words just because they rhyme. if it rhymes, but sounds stupid, don't use it. eg comrades. it doesnt fit in with this piece, and it sounds terribly stilted in the bar.

he couldnt ride the roller coaster of life
and aimed for his temple with the barrel of a loaded revolver
every time he dropped the misleading life solver
one pop and the bleak future was over.


eh no hate, but kind of a weak ending. overall, this wasn't great honestly. work on your structure and flow, thats paramount. also start trying some more interesting rhymeschemes.

rtf;

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ne-386468.html

Allright cheers for the feed back but when it was in my Word Pad it was all layed out really nice ect. i will take some of them things well all if i can into consideration though.

[AaronC]

Uppppp

[country]

this was nasty man


good story

played out welll


return the favor

[fazeT]

the first part was really good
the seccond paragraph was less
then it fell off
you need to re read yo shyt and then add and subtract shyt to make it stand out
naw mean???

[AaronC]

Upppppp!

[AaronC]

Upppp

[Rappa Young T]

Great rap! Loved it from the start Aaron.

4 A*s at the age of eighteen
he was attached to perfecting routine, to damn perfect like a machine
now including more toxins along with morphine
Although All under control and at his feet
He completed more courses so he could pack his resource a
and ride on the wagon pulled by the army of headless horses

That paragraph shows a lot on how easily a guy can change from one life to another like you said '4 A *'s'. You'd expect a guy to get a good job with that but this guy didn't.

Amazing rap, keep it real homie.

[AaronC]

Thanks for feed back Young T

[AaronC]

Upppppp!