One Day I collapse

[Bstill]

One Day I collapse

Condemned by blood the pivot of love
And drifts into a pathway of cold razors
A quest for miles but the road is savored
and blessed to a test what u must Accept
I guess this ends with death above Summer
Lover lover love her for a mother breathe
And listen at ease compound your energy
Can't we have sex at a older age
more than a blaze I commit suicide today
nonchalant...oh my...please Hold me
Tears fall and shield my pain sorely
bless this..I..and me..you and yourself
Your..touch holds my heart through hell
August...the pain of it all sets a goal
And holds your soul in a power Grasp
I ask "must I submit my throat fast?"
Your answer means amor but no laugh
Can I..ask something of you for a minute
Why DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE TO FINISH!
My heart troubles! your simplicity doubles!
Blocked by torret syndrome Im Subtle
Hunted in a tunnel away from Diversity
One sin away from hell but God mercy's me
And it equals no more to finish this chapter
Stuck in the trachea with glass shard fractors
CAN YOU HELP ME FIND MY OWN PATH
THIS IS DIFFERENT WHEN LOVE HAS NO WRATH


All I can do......
is.....
do nothing more than love you...love you...love you

Can it be something God taught us.....taught us.....
about this Snowy day in August...August...it means more....


Once u make sense I make Trends
plus my goal is no more ever again
I wanted to have and love children
Ceiling walls colored by love syringes
The cradle rocks by far the most evil
Is done to people but atheist believe you....
And I no more have a chance
If I comprehend my plans inside
must you lie
I try
But nothing fails my eyes
Brain
Murder
Love
Sodomy.
It equals all
Street knowledge
The ever grace of path..my God
I'm glad
I told your dad to kiss my ass
I tried to take it all away
From your presence
I GUESS YOU DIDN'T LISTEN ENOUGH TO ACCEPT IT
What must be going through your own Brain!?
Crazy!!
Deranged
Suicide???
Simple to execute death frames

must I show you the pathway to life
once more I am kicked off my bike
Ears hold sound waves to mold
The frequent angel laughs are utmost
the Father believes only the goodness
you love ones who hate your bullshit
I..
Can
See a pathway to structure
But the apocalyptic forms stutter
This is my last day to remember
So If a moment of your time is eternity
I must hold my prelude till it is Sinister

Life and more...
it equals once life chances
and expands again
I'm cursed but my Sun is eclipsed
Dammit.....




Links
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ur-386162.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ay-385813.html

[Soule]

Damn, this shit is fucking long man.





Before I give any critical feedback. Do me a favor on your poetry from now on. Format and structure that shit out dude. Put cammas, periods, shit like that where it's needed. And I'm sure you are using Spell check to get words right. But make sure that not every line starts with a capital letter. I don't know, that shit just bothers most readers (me obviously being one of them) and it's really not hard to fix up. Ya know? You took a risk by changing up the whole style and flow half way through the piece. And that'll have a different impact on different readers. Some won't like it, others will. I personally thought you pulled it off fairly. It started off a little choppy after you switched shit up but after a while... it started to flow better. I guess it's just the sudden change through me off for a few seconds. Wording was great, you are very wise with your vocabulary and grammer. Imagery and emotion was cool.. overall cool piece. Keep it up.

[Bstill]

^^ thanx for the feed fam

[Fiasco]

I agree this piece was not only a little too long it was also a little long-winded. After the first set of bars tho when you had the repeating I think you picked up the speed but again the structure of it all where you had the all capital line and stuff really threw me off as far as the pace of it. I think you have potential but u have to work on ur structure.

[Bstill]

uppin for feed

[Spoken]

Honestly dude i felt like you dragged this abit too much nah mean... it was like you ran out of fresh concepts and just went with it dude... try not forcing like i said before just try letting it come to you but not just anything be picky of somewhat about it aswell.. the flow of things was somewhat jagged like it kept me going back and forth with what i was supposed to think nah mean... but this was a nice poem dont get me wrong but i just felt like you needed to tweak it a bit and revise some shit and get you rpoint more over the hump nah mean... nice shit though man and i really felt your content though and emotion...keep it up..

RTf please
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...re-386082.html