Above Decembers Cloud FT. Tactixx

[Bstill]

Above Decembers Cloud


Bilayer

Follow the fingers tips into the skies blue abyss
Fly through your stubbornness and leave the clouds ripped
See the other side.. where all the others write and recite
Hear an angel's cry, enter the world of apocalyptic fights
Mentally, I've risen above the clouds and beyond sounds
Eventually a reason will stand up loud and speak proud
Stating my purpose and tattooing a fate across my chest
Staining the surface and confusing those faking the test
My end's only one step away.. today there's no steps to take
Pretend that my life's changed.. when i know these dreams are fake
The inner me ever growing and flowering while thoughts showering
Words send power to me, With one last hour to bleed
My fate was given in a wrapped box and bow
Death was written and the edge drops below
A second to gasp and grind these teeth as it digs beneath
Millions of images flash and time is ceased.. lungs can't breathe
A sacrifice to anger and agony.. Sunshine hides from me
Scream while in danger and insanity.. Time slowly swallowed me
After I've fallen off and my tempers flame is blown out
I'll still walk lost, beneath Decembers rain, above the clouds...


Tactixx

Thoughts shrouded in mist to unlock the answers of how to exist
I'm forced to take risks as history's old writing evangelist
On a plateau of my own I lined the clouds with silver alone
the stars I outshone while I place my quill through the stone
a spark had grown but the dreams that I saw are slipping away
the golden chalice that I once sipped from pits and decays
The fabrics of time rip and are frayed, slit the wrists of fate
A path is displayed, I chose a path to take and opened the gate
See through the smoke and mirrors I produce and fight for truth
pry the knots loose at night when I want to tighten this noose
enlightened with clues I search and look to the sky for answers
blue turns to black as it's swallowed by sickness and cancer
realitys cold hands lead the way as an ever constant companion
fear and compassion, a flame that forever burns hopes in ashes
choked and gasping, time is a temptress provoked and laughing
this life was a test that I had absolutely no hope in passing
Now destiny decides that I must ride with the stars in the sky
Carve my name in time, Inscribed with the acid tears that I cry
for those who remember and scream my name to the heavens aloud
see what may have been.....as I look down from Decembers cloud


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...rk-385128.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...st-384197.html

[Uben. Pwnd]

Okay, I'm going to try and break down both pieces individually starting of course with Bilayer.
I like how you opened your piece, it was a strong entrance, and it grabbed my attention right away. your peice had good emotional content, and also had a descriptive vibe with it.

My end's only one step away.. today there's no steps to take
Pretend that my life's changed.. when i know these dreams are fake

I liked those lines alot honestly, those were really emotional to me.

Now onto Tactixx, your verse was very good in my opinion, I thought it contained some good emotional content as well. It contained some strong images that was provided with strong vocabulary.

enlightened with clues I search and look to the sky for answers
blue turns to black as it's swallowed by sickness and cancer
realitys cold hands lead the way as an ever constant companion
fear and compassion, a flame that forever burns hopes in ashes
choked and gasping, time is a temptress provoked and laughing

That was a amazingly awesome part, I liked it alot.
Good vocabulary used. Strong very strong.

[Bstill]

thanks for the feed majin

[Tactixx]

up^^^

[Alphaeus]

Bilayer, I thought you opened the piece well. You started off your piece with a decent flow and a nice, tight rhyme scheme allowing for no mistakes.
I mostly enjoyed your vocab and word choice, I though your writing was well thought out and fitted the piece nice.
You had nice description and put a lot of effort into letting the reader no your thoughts.
I liked where you took the piece and your direction that would in the end make an easy transition for Tactixx to take over, without damaging the flow of the piece already established by yourself.
Tactixx, first piece I've read from you and I was quite impressed.
First thing I noticed and Uben also picked up on it, the emotion you put into your writing was very good, I really like writers that go that bit further and sometimes just let emotion and description take over the piece. I believe personally you did this and I thought it was great.
You kept a nice flow as Bilayer did and both of your pieces came together and made this a very nice, smooth and interesting read.
Some nice piece coming from The Reign at the moment, nice work to both of you.

[Bstill]

thanks for the feed stock will return feed after i battle futile


uppin

[Soule]

It was an alright read, Bilayer for sure has the slightly better verse imo. Nothing amazing though. The wording was alright, lines could have been shorter and held a more equal syllable count OR just been done in a cleaner/more focused upon wording to help any storyline you may have had in mind come across the reader's minds. Rhymescheme was perhaps too simple. Just because you can use gigantic rhymes doesn't mean your piece is going to be dope. The flow was a tad boring at times. I don't know, it was an okay read. Had a lot of flaws and things you could work on. Both did their part at an average spot. Keep elevating, keep writing.

[It's Showtime!]

good drop...vocab and imagery were on point...you guys collabed nice and i really couldnt find who was better so it was equal and a good read throughout...

keep it up...

[Spoken]

ok this was a nice READ! and i see people catching on to the flow i have been using as of lately?..a trend maybe? idk. its whatever. anyways this collab is safe to be called a great collab... though the only thing i wish was to show how well you guys were comfy with each other nah mean... you wrote a verse Aero then Tac wrote a verse i mean... thats it? i read collabs wanting Camaraderie amongst the two men or who ever is involved. i do lots of collab sand i make sure to have my light shined on whoever i am with nah mean... i set up my verse for the next person dude and in here it was just WRITE my verse then pass it over and left tac finish ya know... so i want a bit more sign of comfort if you guys choose to tak emy advice.

Ok
Bilayer:
your verse solely reminded me of myself man....i felt like i was reading one of my verses man...for reals anyways.... your drop here was a nice improvement for you especially from where you came from nah mean... you have done a excellent job in taking criticism man and turning it to something posetive unlike some people nah mean. anyways i loved your flow, right but what i didnt like your right when i was getting into it shit started dragging and being longer than it to be said nah mean...especially when you fell off in the rhyme department with "Showering" and "Bleed" i mean if audio iight cool rhyme it off with your approach in saying it but text man...shit doesn't read off well man. i mean it rhymes a little with the sound but not entirely man...that shit for me killed it aswell. Just remember the shit i said man... i know your posetive side man and this here was a great hob but i came to leave feed so i wanted you to know what i think you should tweak to reach another level in writing nah mean.

My fav. lines from you

Follow the fingers tips into the skies blue abyss
Fly through your stubbornness and leave the clouds ripped
See the other side.. where all the others write and recite
Hear an angel's cry, enter the world of apocalyptic fights

^^Simple yet with a subtle touch of complexity it shows itself off nicely.

A second to gasp and grind these teeth as it digs beneath
Millions of images flash and time is ceased.. lungs can't breathe
A sacrifice to anger and agony.. Sunshine hides from me
Scream while in danger and insanity.. Time slowly swallowed me
After I've fallen off and my tempers flame is blown out
I'll still walk lost, beneath Decembers rain, above the clouds...

The flow here was a little extended but i love it here cause of the content.

Tactixx:
Your verse had the same type of flow like bilayers which is nice so it wont fall out of place. so safe. I loved your content out of this collab it was real technical. The way you came about your shit was nicely put...i have to admit you had the better verse content wise but bilayer had the emotion. this verse you ut up was on top of its flow i mean just like bilayer it fell sometimes but no biggy nah mean that shit can be fixed. just like bilayer you had one line that to me really didnt roll off the tongue in the rhyme scheme "Ashes" and Companion" to most maybe it would rhyme idk... but to me... i wasn't really feeling it. Overall dude nice verse!

My fav. Lines

On a plateau of my own I lined the clouds with silver alone
the stars I outshone while I place my quill through the stone
a spark had grown but the dreams that I saw are slipping away
the golden chalice that I once sipped from pits and decays

The content was superb. i liked how it rolled off my tongue

See through the smoke and mirrors I produce and fight for truth
pry the knots loose at night when I want to tighten this noose

I loved how you worded this rhyme right here...pure beauty!

Overall
dudes this was fuckin illy... minor flaws yes but nothing relaly to subtract its just tips for the future! thanks for doing this man... i loved it...just better from my advice guys! tac can't wait for our collab!

[Airness]

Bilayer:

Stating my purpose and tattooing a fate across my chest
Staining the surface and confusing those faking the test

That flows SUPERB, and it's got meaning as well. Props to that.
I really like your verse, nothing seems forced at all through the entire thing and all in all progresses on the same idea from beginning to end, nice work.

Tactixx:

On a plateau of my own I lined the clouds with silver alone
the stars I outshone while I place my quill through the stone

That might be one of my favorite bars I've ever heard, legit. No lie. I can't even give enough props to how well written that is right there.

choked and gasping, time is a temptress provoked and laughing
this life was a test that I had absolutely no hope in passing
Now destiny decides that I must ride with the stars in the sky
Carve my name in time, Inscribed with the acid tears that I cry

Again, that's about as close as you can come to impeccable writing as it gets...
I'd say this is probably my favorite verse that I've read anywhere on this forum till now, keep up the hotness man.

[Bstill]

thanx for the feed guys really appreciate it

and write yea im slowly developing into a writer now

[Alphaeus]

Please would you return the favor Bilayer
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...od-385362.html
Thanks a lot

[Bstill]

yea i was reading when u dropped that link lmao

[Spoken]

better appreciate my feed i barely get the pull ot feed like that!

[Bstill]

yea i was actually using ur criticism with this piece im about to drop tomorrow im glad that you did look for the odds and ends and tied them up that way i can perfect my style of writing