As long as she doesn't forget me.

[Wordz AhGod.]

As long as she doesn't forget me.

I sit here writing this now... surrounded by the proof of my pain
just wondering if she was honestly worth all of this suffering..
Ive drank myself to sleep and lost myself in the rain more times then I dare to count.
I write this letter now possibly try and
eleviate my thoughts in hopes that she'll see....*


I know I'll always feel this way.. they think Im empty inside.
And she thinks that Im an animal, but I aint mean to make her cry.
I Never thought shit would end this way.. I lost my best friend today.
And I can't stand holding on to these thoughts for a rainy day.
But what can she do? He doesn't answer the phone..
...so she leaves another message even though she knows that bastard is home...
Its like a cancer being alone.. because it messes with your sanity
and every moment that passes just makes me see my own vanity.
Its either that I should call her back, or she keeps calling me...
..but my pride wont let me dail and Ive been struggling all week.
But she really doesn't want to see my face or hear my voice..
So my pain is at the bottom of the bottle just to fill this void.
And he can't take.. so he's killing himself slowly
filling the building with women and homies, chilling not willing to say he is lonely
sitting down sipping on jack and henny ,thinking about killing himself with remy
but no matter he does, he knows she's my love and that she'll never forget me..


the distrut and entoxicated young writer pulls out
a black Glock 9mm from the desk drawer that is just behind his head.
His vision is twisted and the reality that held on to for so long has gone.
As the sweat drip past his eyes, he whipes his face with his sleave and
begins loading the pistol and begins to speak as if the cause of his
grief is in the bullet itself

Now its storming up above and this here's a story for my love.
Because I HAVE to be honest.. I got addicted to those drugs.
I ditched class and sometimes I didn't even go to it
But luxie.. this world should know how big of a fucking hoe you is.
I TOLD you this was gonna come and bite you in the end...
... And now you gotta nigga who don't love you... he just pretends..
So if you need a friend.. then go to church and pray
Because I can't hear your cries ..but I'll try to keep you safe...


With the rain drizzling on the other side of his window, the writer
leans into the glass as if to feel the breaze on his face.
Staring down in silence.. he can hear the trees blowing
as the wind hollows through the branches.
A bottle of 1875 black label Jack Daniels tips over behind his feet.
As the bottle completely parallels itself to the hard wooden floor,
the writer then puts the gun to his head and whispers,
"I know now why Shakespeare could not compare his love to a summer’s day."
then pulls the trigger shortly after words.




http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ch-384131.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-383993.html

[Ebolorama]

Are these the lyrics from you song with Nick? Anyways I think that this was good and you did a good job portraying the pain in this piece. The flow was real smooth and I liked how everything went together and how the story progressed. I think that this was dope though

[Wordz AhGod.]

yeah, I wanted to make it into an open mic story by adding nauration to it. Give a twisted feel but thanks for the feed though. Trying to win OM this week and AOTW if possible lol.

[Fatal.]

This was really nice. the imagery was flawless i could picture everything that was going on. you used some nice words to describe the scene. the flow was on point and your rhymes were good. overall this was a enjoyable read. my favorite part was:

But what can she do? He doesn't answer the phone..
...so she leaves another message even though she knows that bastard is home...
Its like a cancer being alone.. because it messes with your sanity
and every moment that passes just makes me see my own vanity.
Its either that I should call her back, or she keeps calling me...
..but my pride wont let me dail and Ive been struggling all week.
But she really doesn't want to see my face or hear my voice..
So my pain is at the bottom of the bottle just to fill this void.
And he can't take.. so he's killing himself slowly
filling the building with women and homies, chilling not willing to say he is lonely

this was dope. keep writing.

[Wordz AhGod.]

thanks blac, up.

[Space Cadet]

you switched between 3rd person and 1st person too much too follow this in a fluid read
and im not even talking about the narration... in the verses your saying "he" describing yourself and then you switch back to "i" and then you switch back all in a few couplets.
even in the narration its switching
very detrimental to the read man

"Now its storming up above and this here's a story for my love.
Because I HAVE to be honest.. I got addicted to those drugs.
I ditched class and sometimes I didn't even go to it
But luxie.. this world should know how big of a fucking hoe you is.
I TOLD you this was gonna come and bite you in the end...
... And now you gotta nigga who don't love you... he just pretends..
So if you need a friend.. then go to church and pray
Because I can't hear your cries ..but I'll try to keep you safe..."

ok, this is all first person and the lyrics hold much more complex emotions than the emo-ness of the rest of the poem sorry i had to say it, i mean the suicide over a girl is pretty melodramatic and after the shakespeare line, theres no other way to say it but that was corny as fuck... real feedback here dont get mad. what i quoted would be a much stronger OM all by itself

also this is another couple lines i liked

And he can't take.. so he's killing himself slowly
filling the building with women and homies, chilling not willing to say he is lonely

sorry i was harsh but im tryin to help, not to dickride

[Wordz AhGod.]

meh, its cool man. Its really an audio track so if you get to hear it then you'll understand what Im going for fam. But thanks anyways.

[Space Cadet]

i could see if u were using different voices or tracks to switch between first and third it would make sense to me

[Wordz AhGod.]

up, only three pieces of feed? Come on ya'll

[Wordz AhGod.]

2 fucking pieces of feed? What the fuck.. I left feed on mad shit here and nobody knows how to return the favor or some shit?

[Uben. Pwnd]

I'll leave you feed my friend.
Okay, I haven't this as an audio yet but the flow was on point and was very strong at times. Imagery and emotion was obviouslly visable and it was pretty flawless at times, although I also had a few problems reading certain parts, due to the 1st and 3rd person views. I'm not really used to it so maybe that why it was my downfall, not yours.

I know I'll always feel this way.. they think Im empty inside.
And she thinks that Im an animal, but I aint mean to make her cry.
I Never thought shit would end this way.. I lost my best friend today.
And I can't stand holding on to these thoughts for a rainy day.
But what can she do? He doesn't answer the phone..
...so she leaves another message even though she knows that bastard is home...
Its like a cancer being alone.. because it messes with your sanity
and every moment that passes just makes me see my own vanity.

In my opinion those were very good lines, and showed emotion of how the situation is affecting.

Strong writing. I hope you continue to drop good and solid peices my friend.
Also don't forget to hit this up.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...le-383864.html

[Spoken]

This here was a nice drop glad to see you expressed yoiur way of things nicely with great emotion and yes the switch of person views was too much man for reals... kill that but your verse other than that was splendid loved the metaphors and some errors though in spelling and grammar but its ok i still loved yor verse props!


keep it up man!

[Wordz AhGod.]

Word, thanks... Maj, I'll hit yours up in a minute.

[Uben. Pwnd]

sounds good man.

[Idol]

Wordz-
Dope piece here my brother, I read this thing straight through and it gripped my pretty well. I could feel the writers pain and suffering and to me, these are the best lines:

With the rain drizzling on the other side of his window, the writer
leans into the glass as if to feel the breaze on his face.
Staring down in silence.. he can hear the trees blowing
as the wind hollows through the branches.
A bottle of 1875 black label Jack Daniels tips over behind his feet.
As the bottle completely parallels itself to the hard wooden floor,
the writer then puts the gun to his head and whispers,
"I know now why Shakespeare could not compare his love to a summer’s day."
then pulls the trigger shortly after words.

..it's the most tragic part of the story but the most significant as well i'd say. keep it up man...