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Thread: Penny For Your Thoughts

  1. #1
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    Penny For Your Thoughts

    Patterns are cut into our fabric

    clothed in one design of the future 

    mortician's stitch applied to the stiff

    individual just like today's

    fashioned statement 

    tailored to fit a custom

    ordered fate.



    Already knowing it would come to some

    cause of death, perhaps this time

    from a bloated heart that shriveled

    once the pins came loose 

    from a cushion left thumped

    upon a cap sleeve.

    The reaper sews and I 

    the living also have patterns 

    chiseled onto my fingertips

    for making the agreement to touch

    circles like the central points

    of blackness dotting each eye 

    spelled out before the black 

    magic of a short hemmed doom.

    Loose threads flutter and hang;

    these lashes cease their beating

    like whips or wings or whatever

    it takes, like this time to see

    it is happening again, a brand

    new coat to these arms.



    There are always more

    circles in the copper of cheap

    penny wishes left behind in the light

    weight of eyelid donations

    not so much in exchange

    for thoughts but torrents 

    of their rain ruled out

    by reinvented heavens

    that occur only in circular 

    discussions that mean so much

    in their unraveling irrelevant way



    of life. But this season,

    we have the upside

    down umbrella to accessorize our fleeting

    opinions.

    A fashion statement has been made:

    A reawakening is just

    another reoccurrence.

    A burial of days is

    a new suit of lacking sight so shut

    the doors to look at the fresh

    inconsequential cause

    of a dying fad

    that will come back
from the bones

    at the back of the closet

    and once again it
    will make it
to all the covers

    that will soon turn

    over.

    So just walk it off

    while you can

    like a front 

    page model and then click pose.



    Strut to the end in linen or wool

    or some material that covers up the future

    decomposition of your special flesh but

    Only our fingerprints make our mark.



    You may take this opportunity

    to  rip off their sentiments and 

    patch a dead man's genes.

    It is what it is, so what is

    the point of marketing

    live death when you know that 

    you are your own maker?

  2. #2

  3. #3
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    Re: Penny For Your Thoughts

    You may take this opportunity

    to rip off their sentiments and 

    patch a dead man's genes.

    It is what it is, so what is

    the point of marketing

    live death when you know that 

    you are your own maker?

    I liked how you really made the metaphor come to life man...Its like you were speaking of flesh and the human body as if they were tailored by GOD and how you comparing god to a fashion designer....

    One of the more creative topics I've seen from you and one of the more creative ones I seen on the sight in a while....Cool way to approach a P.s. piece IMO.

    Structure- imagery- flow were definitely onpoint....you'd be hard-pressed to find any real flaws in this piece.

    Good job Ebolorama....I'll be on the lookout for your next piece.

  4. #4
    OG Poet, er some shit.
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    Re: Penny For Your Thoughts

    Eh. I liked it, but it's just one of those poems I lose interest in half way through. It was good, nothing wrong with it, just kind of lost me after the first couple of stanzas. I did like a few lines in particular.

    You may take this opportunity

    to rip off their sentiments and 

    patch a dead man's genes.

    Probably enjoyed that little stanza the most. Gave me the inspiration to write a line or two on a piece that I'm working on. So thank you, for the read, and the help for myself.

    -Bloomy.
    Po'Ethics - Est. 2004




  5. #5
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    Re: Penny For Your Thoughts

    Thanks...

  6. #6
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: Penny For Your Thoughts

    I wish you would have put some sort of punctuation in this. I had a tough time following the rhythm of the poem other than small guideline provided to me in the breaks. I like the "patterns chiseled into my fingertips" line, very good image, common image in poetry but very well worded. Hmmm, I quite like how clever a lot of these lines are actually. You have a knack for wordplay and puns it seems. I think the only thing that I felt was lacking in this poem was your tone. I didn't hear a distinct voice in this, it was just read, not really heard. I suggest maybe adding some more punctuation to really accentuate(hurrrf) your words and make certain lines stand out. I think your style would be more fit to collab with mindless, he's very precise with his writing and I've never been disappointed by him. I think you could learn from his style and develop your own style more with some help from him.(although he is a ghost these days) I think you have a lot going for you man, just let it all come together and I think you'll give anyone on this site a run for their money.
    murder murder

  7. #7
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    Re: Penny For Your Thoughts

    Thank you for the feed..

  8. #8
    Rap Is Alive Keeby Swaggz's Avatar
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    Re: Penny For Your Thoughts

    this is my favorite one of yours so far... real dope imagery... and the way you tell it was very intimate and personal, so it drew me in... moody, kinda dark, but not creepy... very nice...


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