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Thread: Looking Over Jesus - SS

  1. #1
    Po'Ethics
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    Looking Over Jesus - SS



    Looking Over Jesus

    The wheels squealed as the curtain unsealed,
    Blistering daylight revealed acres of green field --
    But the barred windows obscured the sight,
    His eyes were delight, the yoke of his eye bright,
    And yet, depression held solace over his life,
    Lacking a wife, his path was laced only with strife.
    Early morning clarity was all to praise,
    Before the day's meds caused psychological delays.
    So there he sits, eyes lit with sober wit,
    Waiting for his door slit to spit the usual skit:
    Sterile white coats holding rainbows of pills,
    An intense feeling accompanied by shivering chills.
    .
    .
    Tap, Tap, Tap
    .
    .
    The fist rapt at the reinforced door,
    Swinging open, a lone shadow was cast over the floor.
    His eyebrow twitching, the patient leaped to his feet,
    This fleeting chance of freedom was indiscreet
    But it would sufficiently suffice,
    Twice he had considered, and had paid the price.
    Flinging his wheelchair aside, he lunged at the white coat,
    Grasping the man's throat, he thrashed as if a wild goat.
    The white coat thrusting a fistful of pills into his mouth,
    The patient swallowed uneasily, as the pills tumbled south.
    Enraged he clutched the man's chin,
    Twisting violently, a crunch embodied his sin.
    Crumpling on the floor, the patient cracked a smile,
    Jumping over the pile, his actions felt worthwhile.
    .
    .
    .
    Peering down the hall, he began to walk,
    His lucidity fading -- he felt brittle as chalk.
    Confused feet swept along the smooth plastic,
    Fingers elastic, his movements felt enthusiastic.
    The patient began to collapse under his weight;
    Ornate walls diffused into his psychological state.
    Falling to his side, the patient burst into a darkened room,
    The gloom eased only by light candlelit fume.
    Gathering himself, he braced himself against a painting,
    Trying to resist fainting, his energy ever-draining --
    The sleeve of his robe dangled into the candle flame,
    And there in the dark he saw an object of pure disdain --
    A statue of Jesus, stood defiantly, glaring into his eye,
    Aflame, he laughed, as his clothes fluttered goodbye.
    .
    .
    There they faced each other, flame and peace,
    Falling onto the statue, the patient finally felt ease.
    All he had wanted was to touch the cool grass below,
    He was at peace now, but could no longer grow --
    Movements slow, the statue was engulfed in the fire,
    The two figures becoming one; a morbid image meant to inspire.


    Po'Ethics Lives

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Po'Ethics
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    Re: Looking Over Jesus - SS

    ...
    Po'Ethics Lives

  4. #4
    Po'Ethics
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    Re: Looking Over Jesus - SS

    ...
    Po'Ethics Lives

  5. #5
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    Re: Looking Over Jesus - SS

    This was kinda vague in areas....and in others I could pick up on exactly what you were saying...To me its about someone that has some kind of neurosis....And for him Jesus wasn't a concrete statue there.
    It was like one of the archetypes in his subconscious for pure GOOD.
    And them blending together creates his perfectly imperfect little world.

    The topic is dope ass shit and haven't seen anyone do it the way you did here....kudos for that.

    The structure was cool and imagery was hit or miss but where I think you fell off was with the rhymescheme....IT was kinda aa...bb....y'know?.

    Overall you had a good piece here with a very entertaining story.
    Thanks for the read....PEACE....I'll be looking for more of your stuff also.


    outt.

  6. #6
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: Looking Over Jesus - SS

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-383993.html
    ^here, feed on this...






    this piece was pretty damn good. I think some parts weren't as clear as they should've been... I mean, your message and what you were trying to get at with the simultaneous burning of the statue and the patient, that was pretty cool. I almost didn't understand the "Looking over Jesus" thing... because I hadn't fully realized that he was staring down at the statue before he fell/jumped (which is also unclear, was he pushed or did he suicide it? lol)... but yeah... the piece as a whole was dope, flow was good. kept a clear picture going up until those last parts I mentioned, but other than that I'd say this piece was pretty fuckin' sweet... haven't read much from you, but I am impressed by what I do read... stay up...


    - Cry

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